Are You Being Understood?

This month we are so honored to have Helen Moses weigh in on communicating effectively. We think this topic is so valuable to our readers as understanding and being understood are the hallmarks of all great relationships. We’ve asked Helen, who is a voice and messaging coach, to talk about some common difficulties in verbal communication and some simple and inexpensive ways to work on being a better communicator….

 “If a tree falls in the forest, but no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” I imagine you’ve heard this question before. The answer according to physics is yes, of course, it makes a sound! I ask philosophically, however, “Does the fact that it makes noise really matter?”

When it comes to human relationships, the question becomes, “If you are speaking but no one can understand you (or no one is interested enough to pay attention) does it even matter that you are talking?” My answer to that is a resounding “No!” You are wasting your breath, your time, and your energy, as well as the time and energy of your potential partner.

Relationships are all about connection, and making a strong connection is impossible without successful two-way communication. Improving your verbal communication is possibly the best way to make being in a relationship easy.

Here are the top three reasons why people may not be able to understand you (assuming they don’t have a hearing loss):

1.              You mumble.

.           2.    You speak with an accent.

3.              You speak too fast.

People are reluctant to tell you they don’t/can’t understand or hear you. This is because they don’t want to offend or embarrass you. It can be awkward to ask someone to repeat themselves again and again. It’s also possible they don’t admit they can’t understand you because they don’t want to appear weak. Regardless, if they won’t tell you when they don’t understand you the chances of this relationship growing in a positive direction are very small.

To combat these common communication barriers, try the following tips:

1.     If you mumble…

a.     Pay attention to the movements your tongue and lips are making when you say different speech sounds in your words. Slightly exaggerate your lip and jaw movements when you talk to increase your enunciation.

b.     Sit and stand with good posture when you are speaking. You will not only look more confident but also will sound and feel more confident, which tends to naturally make you speak more clearly.

c.     Breathe often to help you project your voice better. Frequent breathing also helps calm heightened nerves. Don’t let your voice trail off at ends of sentences. Instead, pay attention to when you are getting low on breath and tank up whenever you need more fuel for your voice!

2.     If you have an accent…

a.     Address it upfront. You can say something like, “Sometimes people have trouble understanding me because of my accent. If that happens to you at any point, please let me know.”

b.     Add more pauses in your speech between phrases and sentences so the listener can process what you just said.

c.     Determine the sounds you are most likely to mispronounce. The most common ones for non-native English speakers are TH, W, V, Z, L, and R. Seek guidance on how to produce them correctly, and practice before you meet someone! (One helpful resource for learning standard American English pronunciation is the website Rachel’s English (https://rachelsenglish.com/) which has many free videos and tips.

3.     If you are a fast talker…

a.     Pause more often – at the ends of phrases, sentences, and thoughts.

b.     Allow your pauses to last at least one full second between sentences. They can last for up to three seconds when you are shifting topics.

c.     To slow down, as is recommended for mumbling, make slightly exaggerated mouth movements. Doing so takes longer and decreases the number of words per minute you can utter. Moving your mouth more won’t slow you down enough to make you sound unnatural. It will help you be understood.

The bottom line when communicating is to set an intention to connect before you start a conversation. In addition to the tips outlined above, here are some bonus tips for making strong connections when communicating:

1.     If you are in a situation where you can’t understand someone, speak up in a respectful way. Don’t pretend to understand when you don’t.

2.     Take time to truly listen and see things from the other person’s perspective. The better you get to know them, the easier it is to relate and connect and to build on that foundation.

3.     Don’t interrupt. Let them finish their thought before interjecting yours.

4.     Don’t make the conversation all about you.

If you would like some unbiased feedback on how you come across when you speak as you prepare to be in a new relationship, sign up for a free 15-minute “How do I sound?” call with me and I’ll be happy to give you my honest opinion.

Happy connecting!

Helen

Helen Moses is a voice, speech, and communication expert with over 30 years of combined experience as a singer, speech-language pathologist, and public speaker. In 2013 she founded Command Communication, PLLC, where she helps her clients leverage their voices to make better connections and maximize their potential impact.

Helen Moses, Your Voice and Messaging Coach

Amplify Your Impact: Leverage your voice to get the results you want. #SpeakToConnect

mobile/text: 984-212-7220 |  www.HelenMoses.com 

Emotional Freedom

This July 4th, Celebrate Freedom - Emotional Freedom!!

As we enjoy our nation’s Independence Day, I asked my dear friend, Susan Ahlstrom, to write about FREEDOM, specifically emotional freedom. She shared some of the ways that Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), more commonly known as Tapping, can help us to break free of the emotional ties that bind us -- those thoughts and feelings that hold us back in life and love. Susan’s even used EFT/Tapping to help me work on a fear of flying that showed up recently.  Here’s Susan………

EFT/Tapping is an easily mastered, self-care tool that can address everything from pre-date jitters to crippling anxiety. I’ve helped clients deal with feeling unworthy or unattractive. I’ve helped them tackle other old beliefs that negatively impacted their relationships and dating experience. Working through these issues using EFT/Tapping helped pave the way for relationship success.

George Cohan’s classic patriotic song, Grand Old Flag, starts with the lines, “There's a feeling comes a-stealing, And it sets my brain a-reeling… “ referring to when the band strikes up an old familiar song like Yankee Doodle. That’s how easily how our mind and emotions can get swept away by feelings. When the feeling that “comes a-stealing” isn’t positive, however, it can rob us of health and happiness.

When it comes to dating, EFT/Tapping can help us get ready to open up and let the love in. Dating can be an emotional roller coaster at times. Getting “out there” and gearing up for the ride is often hard for people. Old fears and hidden insecurities can rise quickly to the surface when we step into a vulnerable space. Starting a new love relationship is definitely one of those places!

During a session, the client is guided through a conversation that inspires self-reflection while literally tapping on a series of specific points on the body. The process of checking in with your thoughts and feelings while stimulating these energy points works to help clear confusion and prepare the mind and body to problem solve. Other energy techniques that may sound familiar are Reiki, reflexology, or yoga. EFT/Tapping uses Meridian or acupressure points that run through the body. Studies have shown that stimulating these points can actually calm the central nervous system.

When Tapping, the client first rates the intensity of their emotional feeling or problem on a scale from 0 - 10. This helps to give a clear perspective on where they stand with an issue and to begin to check in with themselves. If the intensity level is at a 10, a person simply cannot think straight. The goal is to get their number down so they can feel relief and find clarity.

An advantage of Tapping is that it is easy to learn. It can even benefit the youngest of minds. In working with children, I’ve asked, “Do you know when you get angry or frustrated? These points are like buttons you can push to get rid of that feeling.” At the risk of overstating its effectiveness, it is almost that simple. Tapping can help reduce stress and anxiety and eliminate troubling feelings that hinder our health and happiness. It has even been approved for use in VA Hospitals to help patients with PTSD.

Tapping can help us take control of our thoughts and feelings. It can help us feel brave and free and ready for the dating experience. If we allow ourselves to enter into new relationships with the eyes of a child, carefree and full of wonder, we’ll be better able to wave our own flag with a free and loving heart.

Susan

Susan Ahlstrom is a Certified EFT Professional, MS in Counseling, and Reiki Master. She provides coaching and mentoring to youth and adults for increased self- awareness and self- mastery. Clients are supported in a safe and compassionate way to calm their most pressing concerns while learning self- care skills to bring more ease into everyday life. For a limited time, Susan is offering a special introductory rate for friends of Authentic Connections. For more information, she can be reached by email at Tappingtime@gmail.com.

Type, Temperament and Dating

An Interview between Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox and Stephanie Rogers, MPA.

Kate:  This month I’m so pleased to speak with Stephanie Rogers. Stephanie is a sociologist with expertise in personality theory. She has worked with some of the great theorists in the field of type and temperament. We had a chance to speak and I was blown away with the breadth and depth of her knowledge, so I’m so pleased she is willing to explain this for my audience this month.

Kate:  Stephanie, please start by letting us know what you do. 

Stephanie: For the past thirty years, I have used the frameworks of personality type and temperament to help clients understand themselves better, so they can be most effective in social settings. I use type and temperament to help clients understand inherent personality differences and create better relationships with others.

Kate:  I know you are an expert at working with the MBTI® (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®) and The Keirsey-Bates Temperament Sorter. The Keirsey-Bates is one of the personality tools used by Authentic Connections to get to know our clients better. Can you explain what the MBTI is and how it relates to Jung and Keirsey’s ideas about type and temperament?

Stephanie: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a psychological instrument. It was created by a mother-daughter team (Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers) in the 1940s-70s, to make Carl Jung’s psychological types accessible to the lay person. The instrument is widely used around the world in business, military, and counseling settings. MBTI scores are represented by a four-letter code, with one letter taken from each of the four preference pairs (Extraversion/Introversion, Sensing/iNtuition, Thinking/Feeling, Judging/Perceiving), i.e. ENFJ. Each of these terms comes with rich content, and great depth of knowledge. The letters/names are just the beginning.

Kate: Please explain personality type and temperament for our readers.

Stephanie:  Gladly, Kate. Psychological Type was developed by the famous Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, in the 1920s. He was particularly interested in how people focus on their internal world or the external world, and their processes for perceiving information and making decisions. He identified eight “function-attitude” types, each having two versions of expression (for a total of sixteen). This was just one theory among a large body of his work that dealt with developing the unconscious.

Temperament was developed by David Keirsey, an American psychologist, in the 1970s. He identified “core psychic needs” of people to support good mental health. He recognized these four temperament patterns as ones that had been commonly recognized by great thinkers for centuries. He developed these four temperament patterns in a modern context for the lay person to sustain positive mental health and achieve their greatest happiness. The four temperaments are Guardian, Rational, Artisan, and Idealist.

Kate:  Did Jung and Keirsey believe that we are born with our type and temperament already established or do they develop through life experience once we “arrive?”

Your type stays the same throughout life, but there is a predictable pattern of development for each type that alters the expression of the type at different stages of life. Similar to human maturity, there is type maturity. You are always you, but you are not now as you were when you were two, but you are not entirely someone else either.

Kate: Does a person need to take the MBTI to use type and temperament?

Stephanie: No, individuals can usually identify themselves by reading the various descriptions, but what can be very helpful is having a knowledgeable practitioner interpret your four-letter type code or your temperament core needs. There are numerous online sources these days, some better than others, but nothing compares to having one-on-one coaching with someone who has expert knowledge of type and temperament.

Kate:  How can type and temperament help folks find a romantic relationship?

Stephanie:  There are many ways, but I’ll lay out a few here:

1)  Language – it gives us all a language to help us describe ourselves, our core values, and the qualities we find most important in life. We often take these things for granted, so we are not mindful of how we express them to other people. Then we are disappointed when people we care about don’t seem to understand the most basic things about us. Type and temperament give us a language to describe those qualities. Knowing that others share those qualities with us validates and reinforces those qualities in ourselves. Knowing we are different from others helps us to temper the expression of our type to help us get along better with others. It helps give us the confidence to be who we really are.

2)  Valuing Similarities and Differences – it gives us a framework for understanding personality similarities and differences. When we share some common characteristics with others, we sometimes have an expectation that we are alike in many ways – even if it isn’t true. Likewise, we may be attracted to someone that is very different, but then we expect them to behave or respond just like we do. Type and temperament reminds us that we each come with a package of qualities that is easily identifiable and equally valuable. It gives us the knowledge to appreciate others for who they are instead of trying to change them.

3)  Acceptance and Perspective – in relationships, it gives us the ability to glimpse another perspective. We have a window into another way of being in the world. Instead of writing people off, understanding the different types and temperaments allows us to get to know others from their perspective. And we have the tools to share our own perspectives. Sharing perspectives is a critical part of building human relationships. Type and temperament give us a guide to understanding other perspectives as we build relationships.

Kate: Is there a best type or temperament match for a loving relationship?

Stephanie: Yes. The best one for you! But seriously, there is no magic formula to determine which type or temperament combinations will be successful. While there are general patterns with each type and temperament, the unique life of each individual influences personal desire in a love relationship. Individual experiences influence our preferences for or against other types/temperaments. But the advantage of knowing type and temperament is invaluable because it provides a framework and language for discussing similarities and differences that can offer a short-cut to identifying a workable match. It also serves as a life-time tool for navigating the inevitable conflicts in any relationship.

Kate: In choosing a mate, does it make sense to search for someone who has the same type/temperament?

Stephanie: That can be successful, but it might also be a little bit boring. Type theory includes a clear path of development. The psyche wants to learn all the qualities that linger in our unconscious, and the universe seems to create opportunities for that development to occur at each person’s own pace. Even if a couple shares the same type, there is no guarantee their development process will be the same. With any combination there are challenges to face, but facing them with type knowledge is always better than without.

Kate: Are opposite types attracted to each other?

Stephanie:  Yes, but that does not mean that it is always the best match.  These relationships begin with a lot of intrigue, but they take great care if they are to last for the long-term. One pitfall is that often one person in the pair begins to assert their personality over the other, and the relationship lacks equity. This can happen in any pairing, but it seems common among opposite type pairs. If this pitfall can be avoided, opposites can provide a lifetime of energized development, each encouraging the type development of the other.

Kate: Are there impossible type combinations?

Stephanie: No, there have been life-long successful relationships of every type combination. The key to successful relationships is always about truly valuing your partner, and being truly valued by your partner. Type and temperament can help you to know how to ask for what you need to feel valued, and how to identify and confirm what you can do to truly value your partner.

Kate: What is the most loving type?

Stephanie: Well, that is different for everyone. What would be experienced as “loving” to one type could be “really annoying” to another type. The key is knowing what is “loving” to your partner, and offering that to them, even if it is totally different than the way you want/need to be loved. And you should never settle for less for yourself. In type, we aspire to the Platinum Rule rather than the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule states, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” The Platinum Rule states, “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” It is a true act of respect, and everyone deserves to be loved respectfully.

Kate: In your practice, how have you seen the awareness of type and temperament help someone looking for an authentic relationship?

Stephanie: So glad you asked. I love talking about success stories! There are two people that come to mind. Let’s start with “Sherry.”

Sherry had several good relationships that always seem to fail just at the proposal stage. In her mind, she had an idea of the perfect dates that would lead to the perfect relationship. She was very attracted to men that wanted to share great adventures and romantic moments because they created picture-perfect dates. She had a hectic work schedule and close friends and family that also required her attention. The men she dated worked around her busy schedule and found it easy to always create great dates during the time they shared. This worked especially well for the men who were also busy and had several interests they could pursue when Sherry was not available. With each relationship, as time and intimacy grew, Sherry began to think about marriage and the kind of family life she wanted. Her image of married life was very different than her image of dating life, and as she would communicate her desires, the men would seem to retreat. Her image of married life called for a complete shift to a co-existence that allowed little room for individual pursuits. Sherry’s type tends to want real life to match their idealized life, but the men she dated fit her perfect ideal for dating, but not her perfect ideal for marriage. The type of men Sherry dated were adventurous and independent and they thought they found a perfect match in Sherry because she seemed to want the same adventure and independence, until she suddenly wanted something very different. Sherry was frustrated with all the men that seemed to let her down, so she sought some advice about type and temperament in hopes of finding a type that would suit her better. She was quickly able to identify her own type and she could easily identify the temperament pattern of the men she had dated. With some discussion of her various relationships, and how each had dissolved, she began to see that the men were consistently behaving as their type would predict, and it was her behavior that revealed inconsistency. She admitted that even though the ideal date and ideal mate images didn’t seem contradictory to her, it was apparent why the men had felt she had been pretending to be something she wasn’t. Once Sherry was able to see herself through her partner’s eyes (using type and temperament), she was able to offer a more authentic description of the partnership she was seeking. She didn’t change the type of man she was looking for, but she did communicate early in her relationship about the image she had of building a closer bond that would lead to greater interdependence that included marriage and family, along with some great adventures. She found a man that was willing to build a more interconnected life than he had originally imagined possible for himself. They have three kids and many adventures.

“David” had a disappointing divorce after just two years of marriage, but he was ready to find someone to build a life with and have children. He wanted to get it right this time so he sought advice on finding the right type to pursue. When he described what he was looking for he said he wanted someone that was flexible, caring, and didn’t have to have everything perfect all the time. When asked, he explained that his ex-wife had all of those qualities but she just wasn’t very mature. Further discussion revealed that his mother had been very overbearing, and he resented the control she inflicted on him. He was able to identify his own type by identifying with the qualities of structure, stability, and responsibility. He gave examples of working for the same company since graduation and saving enough money for the down payment of a new house. He said he was easily attracted to women that flirted with him but was then disappointed when they didn’t seem serious. He complained that a few of the women he dated seemed flaky or too interested in how much money he had. He finally revealed that he always picked women that seemed to be the opposite of his mom. But when he was asked to describe the qualities he would want in a wife he said reliable, neat, friendly, liked her job, family oriented, and conscientious. Even David realized he was describing someone like himself. Then he realized that was not the type of person he had been dating at all. With more discussion about type and temperament he concluded that he and his mom were the same type, and probably more alike than he cared to admit. He also realized there were some things about his mom that he really respected like her organization and dependability, and the fact that he always knew he could count on her to be in his corner; qualities he hoped his own children would have in a mom. By trying to escape the over-bearing quality of his mother, he had disregarded other qualities that he really wanted in a partner. His ex-wife and the women he dated did not meet his expectations of a reliable, more traditional partner. David was able to better understand his own personality, appreciate similar qualities in the women he met, and not attribute the negative experience of his mother to them. Most importantly, he saw within himself the potential to become an over-bearing father to his own children, and he takes care to prevent that with the sons he shares with his very conscientious and dependable wife, Dara.

Kate: Thanks so much for those great examples! What can our readers do to learn more about type and temperament?

Stephanie: A good first step is to learn more about your own type and temperament. It can be very affirming to learn that there are other people like you that approach the world in the same way you do, and care about similar things. It helps to find language that you can use to communicate to others what is important and meaningful to you. Once you understand more about yourself through the lens of type and temperament, curiosity usually takes people to the next step of learning about others. You don’t need to become an expert for the knowledge of type and temperament to be useful. Just having a new appreciation for all the different ways people approach the world is an asset in building relationships. People often seek expertise in trying to manage an interpersonal conflict, or to resolve the wound of an old relationship. This can really help people increase their knowledge by exploring the concepts through a personal experience. Some people are at just the right moment of readiness for what type and temperament have to offer and they can’t get enough, for others it is a long process of discovery. There is no one right way to learn about type and temperament. However, there is one important rule, the knowledge should never, ever, be used to tell someone else who they are, who they should be, or how they are right or wrong. That goes for both practitioners and newbies.

Kate:  Is there a book you’d recommend for someone wanting to learn about temperament and types?

Stephanie: Yes! Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types, by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates.

Kate:  Thanks for sharing from your vast knowledge of type and temperament, Stephanie. It is clear that being aware and understanding these personal preferences and differences can really help those who are wanting to get into a romantic relationship, those in long-standing relationships and really anyone relating to anyone else in any way. Powerful!  Thank you!

You can reach Stephanie at stephanie@purposepoints.com or at her website at: www.purposepoints.com. 

Are Your BFOs Scaring Love Away?

“You can be right, or you can be married.” I first heard this quote at a workshop for couples given by Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage. At the time, the workshop participants responded with nervous laughter. It was something we all knew and didn't want to admit; the need to be right can be a love killer.

BFO has many different meanings:  Basic Formal Ontology, Beat Frequency Oscillator, Blood Forming Organ, Blinding Flash of the Obvious and Best Friend at the Office. For today’s purpose, BFO stands for Big Fat Opinion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the need to be right about our opinions. We will go to great lengths to discredit information that might poke a hole in our firmly held BFOs. People will go to jail for their opinions. People will sometimes die for their opinions. Sometimes that is justified, even heroic. But in everyday life, do we sometimes cling to opinions that don’t really matter?  Do we sometimes push others away who think differently than we do? Are we all losing out on a whole lot of potentially wonderful love by doing so?

As a matchmaker I take it as my responsibility to speak about this phenomenon because it is getting worse and it is making us lonelier and lonelier.  (Paradoxically, I’m espousing a BFO right now in writing this, and I hope you won’t fault me too much!) Democrats won’t date Republicans. Republicans won’t date Democrats. People who use I-Phones won’t date people who use Android phones and vice versa. (You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not!) Some people must date red-heads. Some people won’t date red-heads. Our opinions about who is “in” and who is “out” may really limit potential suitors when someone is looking for friendship or love.

BFOs can be used to help us make connections with like-minded people. However, firmly-held, dogmatic BFOs can also shield us from any challenge to our favorite prejudices or any requirement for us to rethink our pet peeves. That shielding freezes us in the past and limits our discovery, our surprise, our learning, and the spontaneous joy, compassion and connection intrinsic to being human.  We all want to be loved for who we are at the deepest part of ourselves.  Don’t bury that under BFOs about others or about yourself. 

My invitation to everyone reading this is to allow yourself to ease up on at least one opinion. It could be as simple as what is the “proper” way to load the dishwasher or whether you love or hate kombucha. It could be as complicated as what you think about politics or religion. Open yourself up to new ideas and new experiences. Don’t shun someone because they think differently than you do. Maybe you could even have an actual back and forth, give and take, CONVERSATION!! If everyone did that, the world would be a much nicer place and you might even find LOVE!

We only experience true love when we look beyond the external and see into someone’s heart and let them see into ours. Try it!  Wishing you abundant love!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

The Six Predictors of Relationship Success

Matchmaker Secrets: The Six Predictors of Dating Success

I had the chance to meet one of the authors of this insightful book at the International Matchmakers Conference in New York City last month. Elizabeth Cobey-Piper is an optimistic and upbeat matchmaker from Ohio who has a down-to-earth approach to matchmaking. She and her co-author, Susie Hardesty, came up with these six predictors of success after many years in the matchmaking business. I think what she has to say may be helpful to my clients who are currently navigating the dating scene.

The first predictor of dating success is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Priority Predictor. The Priority Predictor is pretty self-explanatory. Someone seeking love needs to make finding love a priority in life. I see a lot of singles with super busy lives who are not willing to fit finding love into their schedules. Work is important. Friends and family are important. Working out is important. Binge watching television is important. Yet, many singles long for love and still are not willing to make finding it a priority. Without making finding love a priority in life, Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say many singles won’t. So carve out the time and then take action!

The second predictor is the Belief Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that singles need to believe that love is possible. The Belief Predictor goes on to say that someone seeking love needs to believe that a person who is a good match really exists and that it is possible to find that person. I’ve seen the opposite occur when heterosexual men or women make disparaging comments about the opposite sex or when any single person spouts off all the reasons that it is impossible to find love. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty don’t weigh in on this as much, but I believe another important element of the Belief Predictor is what the single person thinks of him/herself. If you don’t believe you are worthy of love, then it can’t find you. These sometimes negative beliefs about the self often go unrecognized. It takes effort and attention to identify negative beliefs about self and others, but it is well worth it to identify the beliefs that may be getting in the way of our goals.

The Third Predictor is the Open Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say, “love is looking for you, so be open to how it shows up.  Free yourself from the constraints of your preconceived ideals and allow love to surprise you.” We live in an era where we can pop our criteria into a matchmaking application and whoosh out come all the candidates who live within ten miles of us, who are x feet tall or a size 6, who love all the things we love and think the way we think. We are sorely disappointed when Mr. Six Feet Tall meets all those criteria but isn’t particularly nice and doesn’t love us. If one is looking for love, don’t make so many hard and fast criteria. Love can present itself in many forms, with many different ways of thinking and you just never know what can work. Maybe you dated someone with curly hair in the past and it didn’t work out. Don’t write off all the curly headed individuals you may meet in the future! I know in my own experience my husband didn’t check a number of my “must have” boxes and still our marriage works. I think you'll find that to be more often true than not.

The fourth Predictor is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Balance Predictor. This one I love because it speaks directly to the emotional ups and downs of the of dating experience. I've seen it online where a dater might get so excited about someone they see online and then that person doesn't respond to an email and they are already so infatuated when perhaps that person isn’t active or is not even real. I have a client who I just adore who understands that he's going to have to meet a lot of people to find the right one. He doesn’t get overly excited about any one person nor does he get overly depressed about any one person. A date coach can really help someone with that emotional balance and perspective.

The fifth predictor is the Vehicle Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty  say “give love a way to find you and give yourself a way to find love.” They recommend at least three “vehicles” to find love. Those vehicles can be using online dating services or working with a matchmaker. A vehicle can be making a habit of going out to places where other single people hang out which includes mundane places like grocery stores, book stores and outdoor events as well as organized singles events, speed-dating and Meetup groups. When you use these methods, you can’t go one time and say, “Meetups don’t work” or “I tried Match.com for a week and didn’t meet anyone.” Be patient with yourself and others and make sure you are getting out and doing it. Everyone knows you cannot hunt from the cave.

The sixth predictor is the Action Predictor. It is all well and good to have these new concepts committed to memory, but now you have to take action. Just thinking about finding love and making your vision board of the perfect person does not bring that person to you. These thoughts and images are important and really helpful if they aren’t so specific as to blind one to other possibilities. Still, without concrete action, nothing will happen. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that action is needed in all the other predictors. It will take action to make finding love a priority. It will take action to examine beliefs about self and others and to change any beliefs that are getting in the way. It will take action to open up to love in all its forms. It will take action to stay balanced on the emotional roller coaster ride to love and it will take action to find and “drive” your vehicles.

These six predictors are awesome! From my own experience in life and dating it is clear that when one of these elements was missing, I didn’t reach my goal. I invite everyone to take the Six Predictors quiz that Cobey-Piper and Hardesty developed. When my friend Susan A. took the quiz, she was surprised that she was getting in her own way of finding a new love. Here’s the link to the quiz:

Http://MatchmakerSecrets.com/quiz

Have fun with it. If you find any great insights about your dating experience, feel free to share it via email or sign up for a time to talk below. Let us know if we can share your story in future issues of The Heartbeat.

Your Unique Snowflake Self

Hey! You’re a Snowflake!!

Apparently, it is really true that no two snowflakes are alike. It’s scientifically proven, even though we cannot retrieve all the snowflakes that ever fell or will ever fall and examine them under a microscope. In the PBS video, “The Science of Snowflakes,” Joe Hanson explains why this is so. I’m not even going to attempt to explain the science but check out the video if you are curious.

My new friend, Joe Hanson, says that the “unique snowflake/unique human” metaphor is one of the most overused of all time. That may be true, but I’m not ashamed to be cliché in the quest to remind you of your personal magnificence. 

One of my great joys as the principle matchmaker at Authentic Connections is conducting Discovery Interviews. I get to meet complete strangers and spend a couple of hours in their home talking about their past and current love life as well as their hopes and dreams for a future beautiful love connection. It is a humbling experience as people unfold before my eyes. At the end of the interview, I feel connected to, and inspired by, the wonderful human being I’ve gotten to know.

While I’m continually inspired by my clients, I don’t always know that they feel that same way about themselves. So today, I am shouting out to my clients and to all of the wonderful people I have met over the course of this month, year and lifetime that I SEE YOU! I see the beauty of you and the light in you. You are a unique gift to the world and there is no one else who can be a better you. 

While you are basking in the glow of your own unique greatness, take the time to notice the special bright light shining within those around you. That light isn’t always glaringly obvious. Sometimes it takes a while to reveal itself. Be patient with yourself and others as you look for the light.

In the dating world this means being willing to go on a first date even though the other person doesn’t meet all your selection criteria. It means taking the time to REALLY get to know another person. It means going on a second date even if you aren’t positive where this relationship is going. It means loving your self enough to believe that someone else might love you too. When you open your heart to let others in, you’ve got a chance to find the connection you’ve been longing for.

Wishing you a holiday season full of peace, joy, light and love!

Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Lessons from the Highly Coachable

What We Can Learn From The Highly Coachable

By Traci Philips, The Innate Coach

I’m often asked what makes someone “coachable?”  Are there some people who seem to do more & go further with coaching than others? To this, my answer is, undeniably, YES!

I believe being coachable is as much about approach & attitude as it is anything else.  If you are someone who wants to improve any aspect of your life, you will want to be concerned with how coachable you are.

If it’s not someone, like me, who helps you along, you can always rely on life to coach you through the perfect opportunity to be challenged & tested.  The key is acknowledging and knowing what to do with the information that is being offered to you.  The more coachable you are, the more awareness you’ll build, the more you’ll learn about the importance of perspective and the better you’ll become for having had the experience.  Here, as we focus on “better,” being the operative word, it all boils down to attitude and individual perception.  If you want to experience more or a higher degree of anything in your life, it’s about establishing a positive relationship with change.  After all, if you would like something else, then change is exactly what you need!

So, let’s dig in and look at some of the principle traits of those who are highly coachable.

Curious            Although we might blame it for “killing the cat,” curiosity is all about leading with                              what you don’t know as opposed to what you do know.  Curious people allow themselves to be in the “unknown” in order to learn, grow & improve.  As children,  we all started out curious until we learned from others and life experience not to be.

                          We were made this way because positive growth relies, to a large extent, on  curiosity.

Open                 Just as a door that’s closed cannot be entered, when we are closed off to looking at “how we do life,” we cannot truly learn what we need to know to improve and  enter the next level of our lives.

Atypical         Let’s face it, people who are willing to lean into their discomfort in order to be,                             have & perform at their best are not the norm.  That’s why “the best of the best” constitutes a much smaller percentage of the population.  It takes a certain caliber of person to be willing to do whatever it takes to shift, refashion, augment and transform their situation and life.  Yet, anyone can become better if they choose to be this.

Cares About Growth             At the end of the day, a person who is coachable is someone who is more growth-oriented than they are comfort-driven. Our comfort zone may be, well, comfortable, but nothing ever grows or improves there.

High- Achiever           Anyone who wants to perform at their best knows that a big part of this is being able to examine “all of their parts.”  High-achievers always look at what they have  done to assess how they can do it better the next time, and this includes receiving and incorporating feedback from others, as well.  Even if you don’t consider yourself  a “high” achiever, working on being a “higher” achiever, can do a lot to create an  environment where more possibility and opportunities can enter.

Accountable            One of my favorite quotes is by Noel DeJesus.  “Continuously lying to yourself is just as fatal as suicide; only slower.  Take ownership of your life, be accountable to you.”  Coachable people embrace the opportunity to have  others help them to be self-accountable.

Believable                 No matter who you are, as a human, you have a “bull s#%&” meter.  On some level, we can all spot authenticity.  Coachable people strive to be genuine, transparent and, thus, believable.  They want to make a positive impact and they know to do this, they must show up fully as who they truly are.

Life Learner              As Brian Herbert wrote, “the capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice.”  Coachable people choose to  be life-long learners.

Enthusiastic             I mentioned before that attitude & approach are key elements of coachability.  Someone who is enthusiastic about learning & growing sees any opportunity to do this as an adventure.  With this attitude, it’s much  easier to view challenge as a necessary part of the development process.

In looking at some of the characteristics of coachable people, we can understand how these individuals can experience higher than average levels of success, fulfillment and positive life engagement.  They become models for all of us on the value of choosing growth and betterment over comfort and being right and safe.  Any one of us can be this kind of person.  It all depends on how much we want to experience what we desire in life.

Perhaps, Michael Jordan said it most succinctly, “my best skill was that I was coachable.  I was a sponge and aggressive to learn.”

About the Author: As a Leadership & Performance Strategist, Traci is a crackerjack at assisting her clients to clearly define their personality, passions and purpose to create a targeted and congruent strategy to assure success in any area of life. With unique strengths in translating both verbal and non-verbal language, Traci assists individuals and teams to apply effective tools and approaches to identify core issues and challenges that are blocking desired objectives and outcomes. Her clients learn and practice better communication & resolution strategies and are able to create and sustain more cohesive & cooperative situations and environments, while experiencing more fulfillment and pleasure in their lives. 

You can connect with Traci through her website www.theinnatecoach.com or on Facebook & LinkedIn.

Love and Money

This month’s article focuses on the commonalities in human behavior when it comes to love and money. My dear friend told me about a class he took based on the workbook, How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything. The fact that he never cracked the book during the course was a powerful and funny lesson for him. Perhaps our behaviors around love and money follow the same anything/everything pattern.

Three of my favorite Financial Planners, Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors, Debbie Ash of  Ashbridge Financial Solutions and Martin Noble of Edward Jones have agreed to weigh in on this article, just to make sure we are keeping it between the lines. Together, let’s address some common aspects in love and money.

Do Your Homework

Charles had a lot to say on this topic, not just from a financial advisor point of view, but also as a matchmaker (Go Charles!!) He asks his single friends to address the following questions when looking for a mate.

·      Has your intended been married before? What was the learning from that relationship?

    How does your intended treat his/her parents and strangers?

    How does your intended act when s/he doesn’t get what s/he wants?

In today’s world you can do your homework by checking out a new love interest on line. How does this person show up on social media? Do they have a history of trouble with the law? It is all pretty accessible through the wonders of modern technology.

Your financial homework is to go to a third party source to corroborate your investment plan. Get others’ perspectives before forging ahead financially.

Don’t Judge a Book By Its’ Cover

Financial investments as well as love can sometimes be swayed by what is glitzy or pretty. Martin noted, “It may be tempting to buy a popular investment, however it may not fit with the rest of your portfolio, and it may be risker that you expect.  When considering an investment, it is important to evaluate how it fits with your overall goals, comfort level with risk and your diversification.  Buying into an investment that is popular or hyped may actually distance you from reaching your financial goals.” 

In love, don’t be swayed by glitzy glamor photos that reflect only the exterior of a person on an extraordinary day. Look deeper to understand the character of an individual. 

Staying the Course

Charles, Debbie and Martin agree that when you have a good financial plan, you sometimes need to “stay the course” through ups and downs, knowing that the plan is sound. Charles says, “invest in a strategy that has a high probability of you reaching your goals.” It doesn’t mean you don’t “tweak” your portfolio from time to time, but you don’t change your entire investment strategy because of temporary circumstances. Martin adds, “it is important to hold a long-term perspective when investing.  This will help you weather storms and allow you to focus on what you can control – holding a diversified portfolio of quality investments designed for your specific goals, time horizon and comfort level with risk.  Frequent reviews of your portfolio and strategy help you stay on track through proactive adjustments when necessary.”

Similarly, successful long-term relationships didn’t get to be long without wading through significant ups and downs. Expect that any long-term relationship is going to have its highs and lows and sometimes you need to “stay the course” if you’ve committed to another person. If you are on solid ground, keep working at it, tweak what you can and have faith.

Understand There are No Guarantees

In finances and in love, there are no guarantees. Being married doesn’t guarantee you will never experience loneliness. Having an investment plan doesn’t mean the market won’t tank. Protect yourself with diversification. Even though you are in a long-term committed relationship with another, do you have great relationships with friends, family and yourself so you can survive should you lose your significant other to death or divorce?

Martin reminds us, “In financial planning, it is important to manage risk.  A diversified portfolio is a key component to help you ride the ups and downs of the market.  An investment that underperforms inside a diversified portfolio becomes a disappointment rather than a disaster.  Also, make sure you have the right protection in place to help you and your loved ones should unexpected death or disability occur.”

Bad Investments

In love and in money how often do we “throw good money after bad?” Do we sometimes fail to own up to bad financial choices we’ve made? Do we keep at a love “investment” even after realizing it was a poor choice?  Do feelings of shame prevent us from owning up to our poor choices so that we can make changes? It’s important to be honest with ourselves and others both in our financial and our love lives and to take the necessary steps to make things right.

Seek Professional Advice

Debbie, Charles and Martin agree that we shouldn’t make big investments without a trusted financial planner. Debbie says that retirement is our biggest financial goal and it should never be taken lightly.  She feels it important to work with a financial planner who understands your unique situation and can coach you to your goals. 

Similarly, in our love relationships it pays to get expert advice from a matchmaker, date coach or therapist. Why go it alone? In the world of love, you can get help in all the following areas: finding someone special, recognizing a destructive relationship, maintaining a relationship through the inevitable ups and downs and surviving the loss of a relationship.

You Cannot Win If You Do Not Play

In all aspects of life, you can’t sit in your home all alone with your head buried in the sand and expect to grow your relationships or your money. It takes action on your part. Don’t be an ostrich!

Thank you to

Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors (Primerica.com/charlescalloway),

Debbie Ash of Ashbridge Financial Solutions (www.ashbridgefs.com) and

Martin Noble of Edward Jones (www.edwardjones.com/martin-noble) for their thoughts on this topic. If you are looking for a financial advisor, you won’t go wrong with any of these fine people!   

Wishing you abundance in all aspects of life!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

It’s Not Chemistry; It’s Physics!!

This month’s article features a Q&A between Dr. Kate and her longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Lacy Frazer.  Enjoy!!

Dr. Kate:  When we were both psychologists working in a federal prison complex I was so impressed by the class you taught called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” It was a life-changing course for the inmates who participated. I especially remember the presentation on “Energy” that you gave to 200 inmates. They were spellbound by what you had to say. You discussed many properties of personal energy that resonated with me. Today, I would like you to talk about these basic properties of energy and how they are relevant to people who are actively dating. Please start by telling us about some of the basic principles of energy.

Dr. Frazer:  I discovered these principles of energy following a powerful personal trauma. While on the quest to heal from that trauma, I discovered the field of quantum physics which studies atomic and subatomic systems that make up energy. I learned that everything is made of energy; we as humans have energy coursing through us at all times and we live in an energetic universe. This energy is both electrical and magnetic. My discovery of quantum physics completely changed the lens through which I view life, walk through life, and interact with everyone and everything. I see the power of each person’s energy field which includes the quality of the energy running through them and the frequency of the energy they generate and emanate. What is so crucial about this is that each person’s energy is magnetic. So we are always attracting into our life people and experiences that are an energetic match to what we are putting out.

Dr. Kate: Is that like “you reap what you sow” or “what you put out you get back”?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! This is the scientific explanation for these commonly used phrases. 

Dr. Kate: So, are you saying that people have the power to attract the mate they truly want?

Dr. Frazer: Yes. But it’s important to understand that the power to attract someone lies in one’s own energetic vibration. Most people are unaware of the quality of the energy they are putting out into the world. Essentially, the energy field we are “vibrating” can be largely negative, positive, or neutral. Whatever the overall quality is, it is also magnetic. This means that we are often unknowingly pulling into our life people and experiences that are a match to our energy output. For instance, if we always feel angry at someone or something, we are likely drawing to us people and experiences that match our anger. Similarly, people who energetically “vibrate” abundance and love, attract more of the same in their life. Does that make sense?

Dr. Kate: Absolutely! So, assuming that most people reading this want to attract the “perfect” mate, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: To put it very simply, thoughts lead to feelings and feelings are E-motions….or energy-in-motion. So, if we have over 60, 000 thoughts a day, and each thought contributes to this “energy-in-motion” AND this energy is magnetic…..then we better be paying attention to our thoughts and how we are feeling -  because it is pulling into our experience energetic matches to our predominant energetic vibration.

Dr. Kate: I see many singles who are fed up with the dating “game” because they have met people who lie about themselves online or are insensitive or callous. Maybe they have had an abusive long-term relationship in the past. The “baggage” from these experiences can really sour the next attempt at dating. Do you have any suggestions for people who have been hurt in relationships or the dating process so they don’t keep having the same experiences?

Dr. Frazer: To really change one’s predominant energetic vibration takes lots of practice. The goal is to get your own energy field clear, clean, and positive. When you do this you will automatically change the people and experiences that come into your life.

Dr. Kate: So, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: Again, this is a question that is not easy to answer in a sentence or two. However, I can say it begins with self awareness.

For example:

•    Learn the power of positive thinking. Practice it!

•    Interact with positive people.

•    Feel grateful and appreciative.

•    Engage in activities you love.

•    Spend time in nature.

In contrast, pay attention to the thoughts that contribute to negative emotional states (i.e., judgment, complaining, self-pity, resentment, competitiveness) and come up with antidotes to those negative thinking patterns.

Dr. Kate: So, getting back to our title, I hear so many singles complaining that they don’t experience any “chemistry” with another person. I’m thinking it may have more to do with “energy” or “physics.” What do you think about that?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! When we talk about chemistry in this situation, we are really talking about energy or physics. More important than visualizing the person you want to have in your life, FEEL the feelings you want to feel when you are with this person. In your daily life, practice feeling the joy, the love, the connection that you desire. The more you feel the feelings (even if just in your own mind and heart), the quicker you will call into your experience the person that matches those feelings!!!

Dr. Kate: Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I am sure many of my clients will find it helpful. I know you mentioned you are a life coach. Do you also coach people regarding relationships?

Dr. Frazer: Yes, I help people through my coaching and consulting practice. It takes some time to gain self-awareness about energy. My clients also learn and practice the necessary skills to shift the quality of the energy they are putting out which helps them heal, change, and live the life they are meant to live!

Dr. Kate: Dr. Frazer has agreed to offer a seminar, “Energy and Relationships” in October 2018. Stay tuned for information so you can attend that seminar. In the meantime, you can reach Dr. Frazer at:

Lacy Frazer Coaching and Consulting, LLC

lacyfrazer@gmail.com

919-448-4268

Breaking the Sugar Habit

HOW TO BREAK YOUR SUGAR ADDICTION

By Jennifer Rose Lazinsk, CHC, OTR/L

By this point we all know that we need to eliminate sugar. After all, it is well known that sugar is very often the culprit in many health and weight challenges that have become pandemic in our culture. That being said, it is easier said than done!!! A sugar addiction can be very difficult to overcome and the older the habit, the harder to break!!  Like other addictions, it involves the brain and its’ high demand for energy in the form of glucose. When glucose falls, the brain releases neurotransmitters which elicit cravings for sugar in an effort to quickly increase levels.

Being able to stabilize your blood sugar to minimize fluctuations in critical hormones in your body is key to breaking your sugar addiction! In fact, it is key to preventing some of the most serious health problems of our day!

Here are just some of the roller-coaster effects of eating sugar: fat storage in abdominal area, diabetes, high blood pressure, acne, cognitive difficulties, fatigue, depression, muscle weakness, headaches and inflammation.

But the good news is: You can begin to break your addiction!

Here are a few tips to begin:

1)      Substitute Monk fruit, stevia or xylitol for sugar (warning on xylitol: while healthy, it can occasionally cause mild tummy distress if using too much). I keep packages of stevia and monk fruit in my pocketbook for my coffee and tea when I am out. These can be used as a tool until you break away from the idea that so many foods need to taste sweet. These natural sweeteners don’t raise blood sugar levels and have other health benefits as well!

2)      Adjust how and what you eat: 

a) Do not skip meals. This can lead to low blood sugars and stresses your adrenals (think “fight or flight” response in your body).  This is especially problematic when you are first trying to eliminate sugar. The cravings become intense.

b) Protein and healthy fats (avocados, nuts, coconut oil, olives and olive oils) provide even glucose release. Consistently spacing meals with higher protein and fat gives your body sustained energy and time to rest.

c) Eat your carbohydrates last in a meal (ten minutes after veggies and protein) is very beneficial for blood sugar regulation.

d) Eat your larger meals earlier in the day and smaller meals in the evening since our ability to handle carbohydrates deteriorates later in the day. Larger meals later means your blood sugars remain high for longer. Eating your larger meals during the day also sets your natural rhythms, synchronizes your biological clock and balances your hormones.

e) Eat small high-protein/fat snacks between meals. You should fill you up on this snack so that you actually end up eating less during your meal. Fun and easy snacks are: a tablespoon of almond butter, half or whole avocado, a small serving of pecans or any other nut you love (macadamia nuts are a decadent joy for me!), or, if you are okay with dairy, a slice or two of your favorite cheese!

3)      While you are breaking your sugar craving cycle with the above suggestions, why not make it easier for yourself by removing the sugar and sugary foods from your home! Replace with strawberries, a fresh apricot, half a small grapefruit, roast butternut squash and cut into bite size squares, or keep small squares of high quality dark chocolate, in limited quantities, on hand to satisfy your desire for sweetness (they have small packages of squares at Whole Foods).

There are many other wonderful foods and vitamins/supplements that help tremendously to support you in balancing out your body so YOU can feel in control again!

You can do it!

Jennifer

Jennifer R. Lazinsk, CHC, OTR/L is a Certified Health Coach who specializes in guiding “Women in Transition” to feel healthy and strong and to look amazing. Check out her website at www.MySublimeHealth.com to learn about how she can be of service to you. You can reach her at 919-602-9706. She offers a free one-hour introductory session. Though I’m not personally ready to ditch sugar altogether, I can tell you that Jennifer is a dynamo of positivity and I’m sure you will get results if you start working with her.  Dr. Kate

Let's Celebrate INTERdependence Day!

Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

Don’t you love the festive fireworks and the celebration of all things summer that come with this holiday? It’s inspiring to know that some extremely courageous people almost 250 years ago had the chutzpah to know we can make it on our own and to bid a hard-fought farewell to colonization. Beautiful, exciting, scary independence was won!

Our images of Americana are chock full of independent, scrappy pioneers who performed feats of extreme physical endurance on solitary ventures across the unknown. Our American icons look like the Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man. Stephen Covey in his famous book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, explains that the current social paradigm, “enthrones independence. It is the avowed goal of many individuals and social movements. Most of the self-improvement material puts independence on a pedestal, as though communication, teamwork, and cooperation were lesser values.” Covey posits a “higher” level of human evolution, a higher degree of maturity than independence alone – “Interdependence.” He explains, “If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own.” Only independent people are able to live in an interdependent world. When dependent people get together, they become co-dependent which is very different from interdependence.

Basking in the glory of our own independence, do we reject help from others? Sure, I can wash my own car, but why not do it together? It is a lot more fun. I can accept a ride from a friend or a stranger opening the door for me. It builds relationship. We don’t need to interpret a lover’s outstretched hand as implying we don’t have hands of our own.

On Independence Day we celebrate while we remember that it IS important to come together with others, to play nice in the sandbox, and to recognize our inextricable link to one another. We do accomplish so much more, and our lives are so much richer, when we fully appreciate the value in being and working together.

Remember The Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man? The Lone Ranger would never have made it to a second episode without the exquisite attention, love and caring of his famous friend, Tonto. And we all know what happened to the Marlboro Man. I hope this July 4th is a time when you can fully recognize your own personal independence while you savor the interdependent joy of the company of others.

With a smile and interdependent hugs!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

Dog Fashion Sense

Do You Have As Much Sense of Style as Dr. Kate’s Dog?

By Susan Preston of Geek Adonis

Guest Contributor

When Kate presented this provocative title to me for the July newsletter, I definitely wanted to explore it further because I’ve met Rocky and he is a mighty fine dog.

Turns out that what Kate was talking about is that Rocky often responds to her style of dress with differing levels of enthusiasm. His most joyful response to her of course is when she’s wearing her dog-walking outfit; no surprise there! Kate also reports that Rocky will look at her somewhat wistfully when she’s dressed to head out for a business meeting. She added that he has an even different canine response when she’s headed out to a Singles’ Event but I’m not entirely sure that I believe that one although he is a smart fellow.

This started me thinking that my favorite and most oft-repeated mantra “people respond to you based on how you’re dressed” may actually cross species!  This further emphasizes how important it is to project the image you want to present to the world when you walk out your front door.

As a professional stylist, I’ve heard many reasons from my clients why they feel they shouldn’t have to do this. Do any of these sound familiar?

“I’m just more comfortable in shorts and T-shirts.”

“It shouldn’t matter how I look; it’s inside that counts.”

“Why should I dress to impress at work? I’m good at my job and that’s what matters.”

“I don’t have to dress a certain way to meet a new woman/man. If they’re that shallow, they’re not for me anyway.”

Believe me when I say it DOES matter. When you take the time and make the effort to dress better in well-fitting and flattering clothes, you’re telling the world that you care about your appearance. You’re confident. You’re self-assured. You’re into self-care. If you’re taking care of your personal appearance you’re perceived as being more competent and more trustworthy. And able to take care of important matters in your life, like your job and people you care about.

So give your appearance more than just a passing thought…and others will sit up and take notice! Maybe even your best canine friend J

You can find Susan at:  www.geek-adonis.com

Are You Ready for Love?

Are You Ready for Love?

5/8/2018

Divorce is a Process

Don’t expect yourself to be ready to start a new relationship within weeks or months of your divorce. It is a process that can takes years. In their book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti identify fully 19 (!) stages in the process of rebuilding after a divorce. They know through their many years of research that it really does take time and conscious effort to be able to form healthy romantic relationships again.

By now, we are all familiar with this handy pain scale. Used to assess physical pain levels, this tool can also be used to gauge emotional pain. The emotional pain of the divorce can take many forms: grief, anger, shame, regret, loneliness and jealousy to name a few. What is your emotional pain number? Be honest with yourself. You should not be dating if the average of your perceived emotional pain number is over a 4. If you are crying or talking incessantly about your Ex on a first date, you are in the wrong place!  It is time to take care of yourself first and to get your emotional ship in shape before attempting to forge new romantic relationships.

What is Your Relationship Story? What is Your Divorce Story?

Can you:

• tell your divorce story without your emotional pain scale skyrocketing to 10?

• remember the good times with your Ex without sinking into a puddle of tears?

• identify anything good that has come out of being in the marriage?

• name anything positive you have learned about yourself or about life because of the divorce?

• see the part you played in the unraveling of your relationship and forgive yourself for that?

• even imagine ever forgiving your former partner?

• imagine a happy life as a single person?

• imagine happiness with a new partner?

When you are in the beginning stages of divorce, these may be lofty goals. Still, it is important to move in the direction of forgiveness and in the direction of new possibilities if you want to get on with your life, whether you choose to stay single or get re-partnered.

Caring For Yourself

Whether you know you are NOT ready for a new relationship or you believe that you are, you will need to take care of yourself. What does that look like for you? It is different for everyone. What do you enjoy doing?  Do more of that! Decrease that which brings you down and create a forcefield of positivity around you so the challenges you are facing don’t wreak emotional havoc. Eat healthfully, exercise and reach out to others! 

Getting Into a New Relationship

In the Rebuilding book, the authors emphasize avoiding rebound romantic relationships. Friends can really help your emotional growth. In contrast, a new romantic relationship – if entered into before doing the work on yourself – can divert you from the path of self-reliance and growth. It may be super tempting because of the fun and excitement of new love, but ultimately you will both end up hurt if you are not ready.

If you are ready to date again, there are TONS of resources out there. You can try online dating resources and apps. You can meet people through Meet-up groups and by venturing out on your own to enjoy a movie, meal or show. You can employ a matchmaker or date coach to help you. These folks are expert at helping you figure out if you are ready to get back into the dating scene and they will help you navigate the tricky waters of dating. 

Don’t go it alone.

If you are in extreme emotional pain and there doesn’t seem to be any let-up, get professional counselling! There is no shame in getting help to get well. The shame would be in wasting any more time feeling terrible. 

There is life after divorce. There is the possibility of loving again. You will survive this difficult time in your life. You are doing yourself a great service by choosing high quality legal services. Let your attorney stand up for you when you need it. Get the help you need to deal with difficult emotions. Work on feeling a little bit better each day and you will see the light!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Does Your Home Look Like You?

Does Your Home Look Like You?

Does your home match the way you dress & present yourself to others?  Or would visitors say your home doesn’t look anything like you?  This usually isn’t a compliment!

Frequently home décor isn’t given the thought & action needed to invite others over without significant lead time, if at all!!

Here are some ideas to help your home rise up to meet you:

Clean.  If you don’t have time to do it yourself, hire a professional service to thoroughly clean everything, including carpets & upholstery.  Give attention to windows & the exterior.

De-clutter.  Donate unused or left over items.  Paperwork is not pretty or interesting.  Remove it from the counter or table & place it in a drawer or decorative box. 

Furniture.  A few good pieces will elevate your home to represent you.  Include new pillows, lighting & art. 

Bathroom.  Extra cleaning!  Include clean hand towels, soap, garbage can, & plenty of toilet paper in your bathroom.  A room scent is a nice touch.  Put all other items in a vanity or closet.

Bedroom.  If you want to get intimate with someone, your bedroom should be inviting. The same decluttering rules apply here. Also, make sure your sheets are clean and in good condition. You don’t need a worn-out fitted sheet suddenly not fitting anymore. Nor should there be photos of family members staring at you and your prospective lover from the bedside table.  Animal hair is not a turn on, so come up with a solution if your pet likes to sleep on the bed.

Soul.  The good stuff!  This represents a little of your past, a lot of where you are presently in life  & a sprinkle of your future intentions.

Past:  Include the best of life events with photos & objects.  Edit!  Less is more.

Present:  Show your current passions in art  & photos, maybe a display cart with items from your travels or interests.

Future:  Provide a glimpse of what your future plans are. Books are a wonderful way to reveal your desired destiny.

I have given you a very basic list to get your home in shape & give you the confidence to ask, “would you like to come to my place tonight?”  The bonus is you will enjoy relaxing in your new updated home that reflects who you are right now!! 

Cathy Scheib

Spring Closet Clean Out

Spring Cleaning Means Taking a Good Look at Your Wardrobe

by Susan Preston of Geek Adonis

As the warm temperatures have teased us with thoughts of spring, that means it’s time to take a good, long look at what lies in your closet. Do you have clothes that you haven’t worn since Bush (the younger one) was President? Are there outfits that are no longer the right size and just might be the wrong color for you? All of us have fallen victim to a ‘great bargain’ that we just couldn’t pass up on that clearance rack and it probably still has the original price tag attached. Not such a bargain after all!

Most people actually wear 20% of what’s in their closets 90% of the time. If you want a fresh, new look for spring, a closet review should be the first item on your list for spring cleaning! Here are some helpful hints to get you started:

Be meticulous with each item in your wardrobe. Try it on. Ask yourself if the item is in style, is the right fit and determine if it is a flattering color for you. Remember that just because you like a color doesn’t mean it’s a good one for you to wear.

Be honest with yourself. Are you keeping an item of clothing because it’s as comfortable and familiar as an old shoe? If so, it very likely is past its prime and should be replaced with something newer, more vibrant and makes you feel attractive.

You may have a few pieces in your spring wardrobe that really are dynamite but don’t match anything else you own. So you’re probably not wearing them! Make it a priority to shop this spring for slacks or a top that will complete that outfit.

Finally, be firm. If a piece of clothing or a pair of shoes just no longer work for you and are in decent condition, donate them to one of the many worthwhile charitable organizations in the area where you know they will be put to good use.

You're Not Shopping for a Car

“Back in the day” shopping for a car meant choosing exactly what make and model just like today, but a consumer could also choose the interior and exterior colors as well as what “hi-fi” package. If you were really advanced and a cautious person, you might even choose to include seat belts. Nothing was standard and you could completely customize your car.

After a New Year’s water leak in our home left my family needing to make many repairs, I found shopping for bathroom fixtures equally customizable. How many sinks in your vanity? How tall? How wide? How deep? What color? Center mount faucets? What material? What manufacturer? What style? All my purchases could be sorted through myriad filters until I arrived at the perfect product at the perfect price point.  Whew!

I wonder if we aren’t using the same framework in choosing a mate these days. Dating is no longer a fun discovery of other human beings, but a sifting of potential mates through a series of ever-refined filters until we achieve the perfect constellation of factors that we believe will produce a happy relationship. Online dating sites really thrive on matching along these dimensions and even matchmakers (myself included), spend a lot of time discussing what characteristics our clients are looking for in another. Just like my new bathroom vanity (which is gorgeous, BTW), prospective dates pass through endless filters.

Specific evidence of this filtering process was detailed in a statistic from Bottom Line, based on Match.com research. “iPhone users are 21 times more likely to judge Android-phone owners negatively… while Android owners are 15 times more likely to think poorly of iPhone users.” I mentioned this to one colleague who had recently been in the dating scene and he said that a lot of people are going to need to change their cell phones. Two other friends suggested that there really are differences between people who use Android phones and those that use Apple phones and that this is a legitimate way to narrow down the pool of suitors. I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone!

There are, indeed, many prospective mates in the world and it may seem like narrowing the field is critical to success. Still, it is important to be thoughtful about what criteria we are using to narrow the field. Is a mate’s choice of cell phone really going to matter in a long term relationship? Or is it those factors that cannot easily be quantified that will make all the difference? Factors like, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor about life and about themselves, compassion, adventure? These are just some of the non-tangibles that are the foundation of a great relationship.

So, watch out for “shopper’s mind” and start enjoying the possibilities when you look to get to know another person in a deeper way.

With love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Love Me? Love You!

Happy Valentine’s Day! As a matchmaker and human, I love this celebration of love. Wouldn’t it be even more wonderful if we expressed our loving sentiments EVERY day? For now, let’s break out those cards and flowers and personal expressions of love for one another in honor of February 14th.

This month’s focus is “Loving Oneself.” It is said that we can’t fully love others if we don’t love ourselves. As a person who struggles with loving myself, I’ve often found this phrase annoying or condemnatory, as if my own self-doubts somehow cast a shadow over my most significant relationships. Maybe I don’t really love my son because I’m not in love with everything I do as a parent? Maybe I’m a crappy wife because I don’t take fantastic care of myself? Perhaps the only alternative is to go to a cave and get myself straight before I subject others to my company!

Well, I’m not planning to go to a cave and I really don’t think that “working on oneself” in solitude is the answer AT ALL. We grow through our relationships with others. We learn through our interactions as well as by our own introspective process. So, don’t run from people so that you can work everything out to be ready to be in relationship. Know that relationships are imperfect and that the players are imperfect and that it is worth it anyway. Remember too, that relationships skills can always grow. Love is always fluid, always an action, never a static state. I don’t have to constantly experience love for myself in order to love you. I do need to treat myself in loving ways in order to treat you in a healthy loving way. I can’t eat horrible food, get no exercise and fill my head with negative self-talk and expect to show up for you in a positive, loving way.  

So, how do we love ourselves before we’ve reached enlightenment??

Try this exercise:

Imagine that you are the sole caretaker for a beautiful child. What would you do to nurture that child’s body, mind and spirit? Would you:

• Have the child smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol or consume my personal favorite vice, Diet Pepsi?

• Make the child stay awake even when exhausted?

• Binge-watch TV together?

• Hang around negative people who tell the child how horrible the world is or, worse yet, how unworthy he or she is?

Or would you:

• Feed your child super healthy foods.

• Get out in nature every day.

• Be with positive people who brighten the day.

• Take naps when tired.

• Run, Play, Ride Bikes, Dance.

• Go to a museum.

• Dress up.

• Make music, paint a picture, read a poem.

• Whisper words of encouragement and love to the child.

IMAGINE: You are the child. You are the caregiver. You can love yourself the way you would care for a precious child. This child doesn’t have to earn love and care. This child gets to learn love and care.

So, dear readers, my invitation to you this Valentine’s day is to treat yourself to a healthy life. As you love yourself this way, you will be better able to love others. It is true, if you want to love others, you need to be loving toward yourself! If you don’t already have a practice of being loving to yourself, start right now!! Want help? Call me!

Valentine Hugs.

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Your Visual Resume

Ready for Valentines’ Day? Update Your Visual Resume!

By Susan Preston of Geek Adonis

How attractive do you feel? Are you confident when heading out on a first date? Is making a good first impression important to you? Taking a look at and improving your ‘visual resume’ on a regular basis can help you feel more attractive AND boost your confidence.

A 2011 research study at Harvard University and Mass General determined that people form their first impression of you in a quarter of a second based solely on how you look. But don’t be intimidated; wearing clothing that fits well and choosing the most flattering colors for you both go a long way toward creating a positive image.

Begin this process by determining the best colors for you. Just because you like a particular color doesn’t mean it will be flattering for your skin tone.

And what about the fit of your clothing? Too tight or too big are both fashion no-no’s and will only serve to make you feel uncomfortable, unattractive and less confident.

Consider your shoes carefully. Make sure they go well with the outfit you’ve chosen and that they feel good on your feet.  As we say in the styling business, “Ain’t nobody pretty if their feet hurt!”

Don’t forget the importance of good grooming. Flattering hairstyles for both men and women and trimmed facial hair on guys are the icing on the cake. You’ll look more inviting and you’ll feel great.

Investing time in your appearance can yield big dividends for you in first impressions and lasting impressions. Here’s to Valentine’s Day!

Want Results in 2018? Get a Coach!

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. It seems like we shouldn’t wait until the new year to make multiple changes in our lives. Still, there is nothing like another year rolling past to make us reflective, possibly leading to identifying things that need to be made better in the days to come.  In this month’s musing, I’d like to spend some time talking about the value of coaching in reaching your personal, professional and relationship goals whether or not you call them “New Year’s Resolutions.”

Even Michael Jordan had a coach, so why shouldn’t you?

In the matchmaking/date coaching business I’m mostly met with enthused curiosity when I talk to people about my services. Sometimes, however, the welcome is not so warm. Some people quickly walk away from me as if I had a highly contagious disease. I was bewildered by this response from adults at singles events who were presumably looking for a romantic relationship.  Why wouldn’t they want what I had to offer? So, rather than sit around wondering, I asked. The response I got was typically some variation of, “I can do this on my own” or “you want me to pay MONEY for THAT??” I get it. Matchmaking and date coaching are things that many of us are not familiar with. Still, most of us have had some experience with being on a team of some sort. Perhaps we’ve played a team sport, been part of a business team, participated in theatrical productions or played in a musical group. If so, we’ve all been coached to learn new things or to improve on our existing skills. Why should one’s dating life be any different? I know I never took a dating class nor got any coaching whatsoever to improve my dating skills other than perhaps 8th grade dance class or Seventeen magazine. Maybe it is time for that to change. Maybe it is time to treat our dating and relationship lives as conscientiously as we approach preparing for a job interview or a big test.

So what is the value of coaching?

1. We do not know what we do not know! A coach is an expert in their field. He or she likely knows something you do not know about whatever you are endeavoring to do. The coach also has a different set of eyes and different mental filters and can shine a mirror up to you so you can see yourself in a new light. Just like there is a vast store of things that you know about yourself that others do not know, there Is a great deal that others know about you that you do not know about yourself. It is a coach’s job to shine a light both on the aspects of yourself that work and those that don’t.

2. Feedback. I received a Fitbit for Christmas (Thanks, Bro!). It is a simple feedback form to let me know if I have walked my 10,000 steps each day. I can’t fake out the Fitbit. I do argue that it doesn’t always give me “credit,” 😊 but the numbers are there at the end of the day without judgment – just simple facts. In a similar way, you and your coach will set measurable goals and track your progress towards them. You may not be able to see your own progress and a coach can point out when you are getting closer to your goal or how you might make small adjustments to get even better results.

3. Motivation. Let’s face it, making big changes in our lives is not easy! A coach can spur you on when you are faltering. Way back in my college years I had a running buddy named Susan. Neither of us were “runners” but together we would run 10 miles on a pleasant Saturday or Sunday afternoon. What I remember most was that as my energy was failing and I wanted to quit, Susan would shout words of encouragement and I could keep running. Miles later when she was getting fatigued, I would do the same for her. A coach can be that person shouting, whispering or chanting words of encouragement, helping you to remember why you started on this path in the first place and keeping your eye on the goal when you’ve lost sight of it.

Shameless Advertising!

We at Authentic Connections see that value of coaching in helping our clients reach their relationship goals and we’ve created two coaching packages:

The “Keep Me Honest” package is the simplest and most affordable. Authentic Connections will serve as your weekly “accountability partner” with a 30 minute weekly check-in to help you stay true to the goals you set for yourself.

The “Relationship Ready” package provides weekly hour-long coaching to address anything that may be getting in the way of finding true love. This package includes practice dates to get the feedback that you’ve never gotten before on your real-time dating skills. You might also take an in vivo flirting class or be accompanied to your favorite singles spot by a trusty wing man or woman.

As always, there is a la carte coaching available to all Authentic Connections clients and these sporadic sessions can help you keep your head above water as you wade through the sometime turbulent waters of dating.

Parting Words:

If you are up to big things in life, there is nothing like a trusty partner to encourage you along the way. If the coaches at Authentic Connections aren’t a good fit for you, we have many associates who might be just perfect and we are happy to refer you to one.

With gratitude for who you have been in the life of Authentic Connections and with hope and great expectations for 2018, I wish you a very happy new year!

Hugs!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

How to Handle the Holidays as Single, Thoughtful, Caring, Adult Human Beings

In researching the topic of being single during the holidays, I saw a recurring refrain of complaint. Singles are, almost without exception, tired of being asked, “Are you still single?” The advice given in many articles and blogs is to dodge the question or avoid the person who inevitably asks it at family gatherings.

I’d like to offer here some loving alternatives to avoiding Aunt Tillie and Uncle Bruce and their intrusive questions. And I want to offer us all some ways to express love and concern for our relatives – be they single or not.

So how can we communicate with each other to build connection instead of discomfort and alienation?

1. Give the Benefit of the Doubt. Assume your friends and family have a sincere interest in your life, even if they have an insensitive, if not downright rude, way of asking about it. If that is the case, maybe what they really want to know is how you are. Go with that. What if, instead of trying to escape your relatives’ insensitive attempts to learn about your life, you just tell them about it all – work, play, love life, vacation plans or a great book you are reading. You get the idea. Ask them about their lives too. They will be grateful and surprised that you took the time to really listen to them instead of making a bee-line to the appetizers.

2. Share Your Action Plan. You can also answer with the popular, “I’m just waiting on the right one.” The only trouble with this response is that it suggests a level of passivity that may not be true. If you think it is any of their business, you can let interested relatives know that you are actively seeking a great partner. You are working on your self to be a great catch and you are getting help from a date coach and matchmaker who is also on the lookout for a great partner for you. Maybe your relatives have some good ideas or connections to help you along. The possibilities are endless!!

3. Ask Open Ended Questions. This is Communications 101! Don’t ask a question that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Instead of, “Are you still single?”, maybe what you really meant to say was, “Hey Jack, I haven’t seen you since last year and I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. If you have a moment, I love to catch up with you. What’s happening?”

4. Resist the Urge! As a single, thoughtful, caring, adult human being, please resist any urges you may have to counter the, “Are you still single?” with similar insensitive questions like, “Have you thought about cosmetic surgery?” or “When are you and Aunt Agnes going to stop having that same argument?”

5. Embrace Your Single Status! When asked the tired old question, answer with joyful enthusiasm, “Heck Yeah!!”

I was once accused of Aunt Tillie-ism and had a great lesson in life. Seventeen years ago I got married and there were some changes in my friendships. I kept up a pretty good phone relationship with my best friend in DC. In my single days, I had time to run 5 hours up the road for a weekend visit but, with my new married life and then the birth of my son, casual weekend visits were almost impossible. In our phone conversations I would often ask my BFF about her dating life as it had been a big topic of conversation when we were both single. I still remember one call when she got really quiet and serious. With great kindness and inter-personal generosity, she let me know that she experienced my interest in her dating life as an affront to her single status; as if being single was somehow a “problem” that needed a “solution.” At the time of this conversation, I felt ashamed. Was she right? Did I think of her single status as a “problem?” Was there a part of me that enjoyed hearing about all the new and interesting people she was meeting because my own life had so quickly gone domestic? Was she being over-sensitive? Maybe it was all of the above. Since then, I don’t bring up the topic of dating and she and I have found scads of other things to talk about. If she wants to talk about her dating life, she can initiate that conversation. Our friendship withstood the test of time and our differences in marital status. I’m so thankful to my friend for speaking from her heart and setting me straight so our friendship could last all these 34 years!

So, dear friends, my invitation to you this holiday season is to remember that we are all connected by an “invisible thread.” With acknowledgement to The Rev. Dr. Nancy Petty, this thread is our understanding of how inextricably intertwined our lives are. When we understand this, we would always seek to create love, joy, comfort and understanding for and with each other. So buckle up and start relating on a deep level with those you love and those you may one day come to love!

Happy Holidays!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox