How To Deal With A Chatterbox

I recently heard from a client who voiced a common concern for many singles: 

Dear Dr. Kate,

I am noticing that ALL of my dates just ramble on, talking and talking. No questions about me. The one common denominator is me. What can I do differently? I have tried different approaches and end up with the same frustrating result. Please help!

Nan

Dear Nan,

This is a really common problem and, while you likely haven’t caused your dates’ talkativeness, there are certainly some things you can do to minimize your own distress, to turn things around and to maybe even have an enjoyable time.

 It is important to understand that overtalkativeness can be a symptom of many different problems and the response to each should be based on what the underlying cause is.

Problem One:  Anxiety.

Anxiety can cause people to be overly talkative. Perhaps you’ve even been guilty of running off at the mouth when you are feeling particularly nervous. If you think your date is suffering from first date jitters, do your best to calm things down. While it is easy to let another person’s anxieties make you feel more anxious, resist. There’s no need for both of you to whirl off into a state of shared agitation. Instead, do your own little calming rituals; maybe breathing a little more deeply, smiling kindly and listening for places to join the conversation. Slow your own rate of talking and keep breathing calmly. Keep the conversational topics light to avoid touchy subjects which could add to another’s fears. A first date isn’t a time to get into heavy stuff anyway, so you’ll be right on course.

Problem Two:  Narcissism.

Some people are truly enamored of their own story. Sometimes called narcissists, they don’t really care to know much about you. This is the type of personality is summed up in this exchange: “So enough about me, what do you think about me?”  What the narcissist doesn’t understand is that we aren’t thinking such great things when we’ve been overwhelmed by their incessant self-aggrandizing soliloquies and when we haven’t been asked a single question. It is tough to handle these personalities. They will become disappointed or even angry if you point out this shortcoming. You can try to interject, but a true narcissist won’t really take in what you are saying about yourself. If you want to hear the sound of your own voice during the date, you can certainly interrupt to ask questions that are aimed at getting the narcissist to talk more about him or herself. Just don’t count on them asking you any questions about you.

Problem Three:  Poor Social Skills.

I hate to be another baby boomer lamenting the mushrooming of electronic devices and impersonal forms of communication. Still, I do think we’ve become used to interacting with others through texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram. Meeting face-to-face and eye-to-eye has become less frequent. I know of many people who will rattle off lengthy texts back and forth, but who do not have the energy for or interest in an actual phone conversation. Many clients have told me they do not meet others in “real” life anymore. They only meet others online and then later in person. All these factors are cause or symptom of our collective decrease in social skills. If you are out on a date with someone who simply doesn’t understand the natural flow of conversation, all you can do is try to model how conversation works; the give and take, back and forth of enjoyable exchange.

Problem Four:  The Need to Impress.

Sometimes people will talk too much on a first date because they are trying to impress. I had one very nice male client who was getting feedback from multiple women that he was talking too much. A born salesman, he explained that he felt he had done a good job on the date because he kept the “conversation” going. He had been trying to make a good impression by mentioning some of his achievements. He’s now happily married to someone who enjoys his enthusiasm in social situations and he doesn’t need to boast any longer. If you find yourself on a date with someone who is trying to impress you with all their accomplishments, allow yourself to be impressed. Know that they are doing this to win your favor – and isn’t it nice that they care to do so. Unfortunately, when someone is extolling his or her own virtues, we tend to shut down and look mildly annoyed and this only makes the individual redouble their efforts. Again, be excited for them and then make sure to jump in and share some of your own joys and interests.

Problem Five:  S/he’s Just Not That Into You.

Oftentimes when people meet for the first time in person, they may not find as great an interest in one another as was expected when they met online or when their friends set them up on a blind date. If a person is talking too much and not asking any questions, it could be a sign that they really aren’t interested in getting to know their date at all. They are just biding their time until the coffee, lunch or dinner are over. If this is the case, I just want to stand up on my matchmaker soapbox and shout, “Shame on you!” If your date is able to discern that you have absolutely no interest in them, you have done a poor job. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. You are not obliged to go on another date with anyone, but each one of us has a responsibility to be kind to our fellow humans. If you think your date may fall into this category, you could simply ask if they would like to learn a little about you. (e.g., “I see we are almost done with dessert and I’m wondering if you’d like me to share a little bit about myself before the evening is over.”) If they give anything other than a whole-hearted “Yes, of course!,” you have your answer.

The Bottom Line.

No matter how much of a chatterbox your date may be, remember you are not a helpless victim of another person’s lack of conversational skill. You can jump into the conversation at any time with friendly banter. You disempower yourself when you get annoyed by another’s long story. Just see what you can get out of the conversation. One client realized a man she was on a date with was just not that interested in her. Instead of getting down in the dumps, she asked him lots of questions about business. She was interested in the topic and he knew a lot about it, so she created her own “Win” for the evening.

Unless a person has offended you on a date, I always recommend you give someone a second chance. The anxious individual or someone who is trying to impress on a first date might be a lot calmer on a second date. You aren’t likely to be able to discern what is really going on behind all those words until you’ve given them a second look.

Happy Dating!

Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Type, Temperament and Dating

An Interview between Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox and Stephanie Rogers, MPA.

Kate:  This month I’m so pleased to speak with Stephanie Rogers. Stephanie is a sociologist with expertise in personality theory. She has worked with some of the great theorists in the field of type and temperament. We had a chance to speak and I was blown away with the breadth and depth of her knowledge, so I’m so pleased she is willing to explain this for my audience this month.

Kate:  Stephanie, please start by letting us know what you do. 

Stephanie: For the past thirty years, I have used the frameworks of personality type and temperament to help clients understand themselves better, so they can be most effective in social settings. I use type and temperament to help clients understand inherent personality differences and create better relationships with others.

Kate:  I know you are an expert at working with the MBTI® (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®) and The Keirsey-Bates Temperament Sorter. The Keirsey-Bates is one of the personality tools used by Authentic Connections to get to know our clients better. Can you explain what the MBTI is and how it relates to Jung and Keirsey’s ideas about type and temperament?

Stephanie: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a psychological instrument. It was created by a mother-daughter team (Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers) in the 1940s-70s, to make Carl Jung’s psychological types accessible to the lay person. The instrument is widely used around the world in business, military, and counseling settings. MBTI scores are represented by a four-letter code, with one letter taken from each of the four preference pairs (Extraversion/Introversion, Sensing/iNtuition, Thinking/Feeling, Judging/Perceiving), i.e. ENFJ. Each of these terms comes with rich content, and great depth of knowledge. The letters/names are just the beginning.

Kate: Please explain personality type and temperament for our readers.

Stephanie:  Gladly, Kate. Psychological Type was developed by the famous Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, in the 1920s. He was particularly interested in how people focus on their internal world or the external world, and their processes for perceiving information and making decisions. He identified eight “function-attitude” types, each having two versions of expression (for a total of sixteen). This was just one theory among a large body of his work that dealt with developing the unconscious.

Temperament was developed by David Keirsey, an American psychologist, in the 1970s. He identified “core psychic needs” of people to support good mental health. He recognized these four temperament patterns as ones that had been commonly recognized by great thinkers for centuries. He developed these four temperament patterns in a modern context for the lay person to sustain positive mental health and achieve their greatest happiness. The four temperaments are Guardian, Rational, Artisan, and Idealist.

Kate:  Did Jung and Keirsey believe that we are born with our type and temperament already established or do they develop through life experience once we “arrive?”

Your type stays the same throughout life, but there is a predictable pattern of development for each type that alters the expression of the type at different stages of life. Similar to human maturity, there is type maturity. You are always you, but you are not now as you were when you were two, but you are not entirely someone else either.

Kate: Does a person need to take the MBTI to use type and temperament?

Stephanie: No, individuals can usually identify themselves by reading the various descriptions, but what can be very helpful is having a knowledgeable practitioner interpret your four-letter type code or your temperament core needs. There are numerous online sources these days, some better than others, but nothing compares to having one-on-one coaching with someone who has expert knowledge of type and temperament.

Kate:  How can type and temperament help folks find a romantic relationship?

Stephanie:  There are many ways, but I’ll lay out a few here:

1)  Language – it gives us all a language to help us describe ourselves, our core values, and the qualities we find most important in life. We often take these things for granted, so we are not mindful of how we express them to other people. Then we are disappointed when people we care about don’t seem to understand the most basic things about us. Type and temperament give us a language to describe those qualities. Knowing that others share those qualities with us validates and reinforces those qualities in ourselves. Knowing we are different from others helps us to temper the expression of our type to help us get along better with others. It helps give us the confidence to be who we really are.

2)  Valuing Similarities and Differences – it gives us a framework for understanding personality similarities and differences. When we share some common characteristics with others, we sometimes have an expectation that we are alike in many ways – even if it isn’t true. Likewise, we may be attracted to someone that is very different, but then we expect them to behave or respond just like we do. Type and temperament reminds us that we each come with a package of qualities that is easily identifiable and equally valuable. It gives us the knowledge to appreciate others for who they are instead of trying to change them.

3)  Acceptance and Perspective – in relationships, it gives us the ability to glimpse another perspective. We have a window into another way of being in the world. Instead of writing people off, understanding the different types and temperaments allows us to get to know others from their perspective. And we have the tools to share our own perspectives. Sharing perspectives is a critical part of building human relationships. Type and temperament give us a guide to understanding other perspectives as we build relationships.

Kate: Is there a best type or temperament match for a loving relationship?

Stephanie: Yes. The best one for you! But seriously, there is no magic formula to determine which type or temperament combinations will be successful. While there are general patterns with each type and temperament, the unique life of each individual influences personal desire in a love relationship. Individual experiences influence our preferences for or against other types/temperaments. But the advantage of knowing type and temperament is invaluable because it provides a framework and language for discussing similarities and differences that can offer a short-cut to identifying a workable match. It also serves as a life-time tool for navigating the inevitable conflicts in any relationship.

Kate: In choosing a mate, does it make sense to search for someone who has the same type/temperament?

Stephanie: That can be successful, but it might also be a little bit boring. Type theory includes a clear path of development. The psyche wants to learn all the qualities that linger in our unconscious, and the universe seems to create opportunities for that development to occur at each person’s own pace. Even if a couple shares the same type, there is no guarantee their development process will be the same. With any combination there are challenges to face, but facing them with type knowledge is always better than without.

Kate: Are opposite types attracted to each other?

Stephanie:  Yes, but that does not mean that it is always the best match.  These relationships begin with a lot of intrigue, but they take great care if they are to last for the long-term. One pitfall is that often one person in the pair begins to assert their personality over the other, and the relationship lacks equity. This can happen in any pairing, but it seems common among opposite type pairs. If this pitfall can be avoided, opposites can provide a lifetime of energized development, each encouraging the type development of the other.

Kate: Are there impossible type combinations?

Stephanie: No, there have been life-long successful relationships of every type combination. The key to successful relationships is always about truly valuing your partner, and being truly valued by your partner. Type and temperament can help you to know how to ask for what you need to feel valued, and how to identify and confirm what you can do to truly value your partner.

Kate: What is the most loving type?

Stephanie: Well, that is different for everyone. What would be experienced as “loving” to one type could be “really annoying” to another type. The key is knowing what is “loving” to your partner, and offering that to them, even if it is totally different than the way you want/need to be loved. And you should never settle for less for yourself. In type, we aspire to the Platinum Rule rather than the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule states, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” The Platinum Rule states, “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” It is a true act of respect, and everyone deserves to be loved respectfully.

Kate: In your practice, how have you seen the awareness of type and temperament help someone looking for an authentic relationship?

Stephanie: So glad you asked. I love talking about success stories! There are two people that come to mind. Let’s start with “Sherry.”

Sherry had several good relationships that always seem to fail just at the proposal stage. In her mind, she had an idea of the perfect dates that would lead to the perfect relationship. She was very attracted to men that wanted to share great adventures and romantic moments because they created picture-perfect dates. She had a hectic work schedule and close friends and family that also required her attention. The men she dated worked around her busy schedule and found it easy to always create great dates during the time they shared. This worked especially well for the men who were also busy and had several interests they could pursue when Sherry was not available. With each relationship, as time and intimacy grew, Sherry began to think about marriage and the kind of family life she wanted. Her image of married life was very different than her image of dating life, and as she would communicate her desires, the men would seem to retreat. Her image of married life called for a complete shift to a co-existence that allowed little room for individual pursuits. Sherry’s type tends to want real life to match their idealized life, but the men she dated fit her perfect ideal for dating, but not her perfect ideal for marriage. The type of men Sherry dated were adventurous and independent and they thought they found a perfect match in Sherry because she seemed to want the same adventure and independence, until she suddenly wanted something very different. Sherry was frustrated with all the men that seemed to let her down, so she sought some advice about type and temperament in hopes of finding a type that would suit her better. She was quickly able to identify her own type and she could easily identify the temperament pattern of the men she had dated. With some discussion of her various relationships, and how each had dissolved, she began to see that the men were consistently behaving as their type would predict, and it was her behavior that revealed inconsistency. She admitted that even though the ideal date and ideal mate images didn’t seem contradictory to her, it was apparent why the men had felt she had been pretending to be something she wasn’t. Once Sherry was able to see herself through her partner’s eyes (using type and temperament), she was able to offer a more authentic description of the partnership she was seeking. She didn’t change the type of man she was looking for, but she did communicate early in her relationship about the image she had of building a closer bond that would lead to greater interdependence that included marriage and family, along with some great adventures. She found a man that was willing to build a more interconnected life than he had originally imagined possible for himself. They have three kids and many adventures.

“David” had a disappointing divorce after just two years of marriage, but he was ready to find someone to build a life with and have children. He wanted to get it right this time so he sought advice on finding the right type to pursue. When he described what he was looking for he said he wanted someone that was flexible, caring, and didn’t have to have everything perfect all the time. When asked, he explained that his ex-wife had all of those qualities but she just wasn’t very mature. Further discussion revealed that his mother had been very overbearing, and he resented the control she inflicted on him. He was able to identify his own type by identifying with the qualities of structure, stability, and responsibility. He gave examples of working for the same company since graduation and saving enough money for the down payment of a new house. He said he was easily attracted to women that flirted with him but was then disappointed when they didn’t seem serious. He complained that a few of the women he dated seemed flaky or too interested in how much money he had. He finally revealed that he always picked women that seemed to be the opposite of his mom. But when he was asked to describe the qualities he would want in a wife he said reliable, neat, friendly, liked her job, family oriented, and conscientious. Even David realized he was describing someone like himself. Then he realized that was not the type of person he had been dating at all. With more discussion about type and temperament he concluded that he and his mom were the same type, and probably more alike than he cared to admit. He also realized there were some things about his mom that he really respected like her organization and dependability, and the fact that he always knew he could count on her to be in his corner; qualities he hoped his own children would have in a mom. By trying to escape the over-bearing quality of his mother, he had disregarded other qualities that he really wanted in a partner. His ex-wife and the women he dated did not meet his expectations of a reliable, more traditional partner. David was able to better understand his own personality, appreciate similar qualities in the women he met, and not attribute the negative experience of his mother to them. Most importantly, he saw within himself the potential to become an over-bearing father to his own children, and he takes care to prevent that with the sons he shares with his very conscientious and dependable wife, Dara.

Kate: Thanks so much for those great examples! What can our readers do to learn more about type and temperament?

Stephanie: A good first step is to learn more about your own type and temperament. It can be very affirming to learn that there are other people like you that approach the world in the same way you do, and care about similar things. It helps to find language that you can use to communicate to others what is important and meaningful to you. Once you understand more about yourself through the lens of type and temperament, curiosity usually takes people to the next step of learning about others. You don’t need to become an expert for the knowledge of type and temperament to be useful. Just having a new appreciation for all the different ways people approach the world is an asset in building relationships. People often seek expertise in trying to manage an interpersonal conflict, or to resolve the wound of an old relationship. This can really help people increase their knowledge by exploring the concepts through a personal experience. Some people are at just the right moment of readiness for what type and temperament have to offer and they can’t get enough, for others it is a long process of discovery. There is no one right way to learn about type and temperament. However, there is one important rule, the knowledge should never, ever, be used to tell someone else who they are, who they should be, or how they are right or wrong. That goes for both practitioners and newbies.

Kate:  Is there a book you’d recommend for someone wanting to learn about temperament and types?

Stephanie: Yes! Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types, by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates.

Kate:  Thanks for sharing from your vast knowledge of type and temperament, Stephanie. It is clear that being aware and understanding these personal preferences and differences can really help those who are wanting to get into a romantic relationship, those in long-standing relationships and really anyone relating to anyone else in any way. Powerful!  Thank you!

You can reach Stephanie at stephanie@purposepoints.com or at her website at: www.purposepoints.com. 

The Six Predictors of Relationship Success

Matchmaker Secrets: The Six Predictors of Dating Success

I had the chance to meet one of the authors of this insightful book at the International Matchmakers Conference in New York City last month. Elizabeth Cobey-Piper is an optimistic and upbeat matchmaker from Ohio who has a down-to-earth approach to matchmaking. She and her co-author, Susie Hardesty, came up with these six predictors of success after many years in the matchmaking business. I think what she has to say may be helpful to my clients who are currently navigating the dating scene.

The first predictor of dating success is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Priority Predictor. The Priority Predictor is pretty self-explanatory. Someone seeking love needs to make finding love a priority in life. I see a lot of singles with super busy lives who are not willing to fit finding love into their schedules. Work is important. Friends and family are important. Working out is important. Binge watching television is important. Yet, many singles long for love and still are not willing to make finding it a priority. Without making finding love a priority in life, Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say many singles won’t. So carve out the time and then take action!

The second predictor is the Belief Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that singles need to believe that love is possible. The Belief Predictor goes on to say that someone seeking love needs to believe that a person who is a good match really exists and that it is possible to find that person. I’ve seen the opposite occur when heterosexual men or women make disparaging comments about the opposite sex or when any single person spouts off all the reasons that it is impossible to find love. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty don’t weigh in on this as much, but I believe another important element of the Belief Predictor is what the single person thinks of him/herself. If you don’t believe you are worthy of love, then it can’t find you. These sometimes negative beliefs about the self often go unrecognized. It takes effort and attention to identify negative beliefs about self and others, but it is well worth it to identify the beliefs that may be getting in the way of our goals.

The Third Predictor is the Open Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say, “love is looking for you, so be open to how it shows up.  Free yourself from the constraints of your preconceived ideals and allow love to surprise you.” We live in an era where we can pop our criteria into a matchmaking application and whoosh out come all the candidates who live within ten miles of us, who are x feet tall or a size 6, who love all the things we love and think the way we think. We are sorely disappointed when Mr. Six Feet Tall meets all those criteria but isn’t particularly nice and doesn’t love us. If one is looking for love, don’t make so many hard and fast criteria. Love can present itself in many forms, with many different ways of thinking and you just never know what can work. Maybe you dated someone with curly hair in the past and it didn’t work out. Don’t write off all the curly headed individuals you may meet in the future! I know in my own experience my husband didn’t check a number of my “must have” boxes and still our marriage works. I think you'll find that to be more often true than not.

The fourth Predictor is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Balance Predictor. This one I love because it speaks directly to the emotional ups and downs of the of dating experience. I've seen it online where a dater might get so excited about someone they see online and then that person doesn't respond to an email and they are already so infatuated when perhaps that person isn’t active or is not even real. I have a client who I just adore who understands that he's going to have to meet a lot of people to find the right one. He doesn’t get overly excited about any one person nor does he get overly depressed about any one person. A date coach can really help someone with that emotional balance and perspective.

The fifth predictor is the Vehicle Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty  say “give love a way to find you and give yourself a way to find love.” They recommend at least three “vehicles” to find love. Those vehicles can be using online dating services or working with a matchmaker. A vehicle can be making a habit of going out to places where other single people hang out which includes mundane places like grocery stores, book stores and outdoor events as well as organized singles events, speed-dating and Meetup groups. When you use these methods, you can’t go one time and say, “Meetups don’t work” or “I tried Match.com for a week and didn’t meet anyone.” Be patient with yourself and others and make sure you are getting out and doing it. Everyone knows you cannot hunt from the cave.

The sixth predictor is the Action Predictor. It is all well and good to have these new concepts committed to memory, but now you have to take action. Just thinking about finding love and making your vision board of the perfect person does not bring that person to you. These thoughts and images are important and really helpful if they aren’t so specific as to blind one to other possibilities. Still, without concrete action, nothing will happen. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that action is needed in all the other predictors. It will take action to make finding love a priority. It will take action to examine beliefs about self and others and to change any beliefs that are getting in the way. It will take action to open up to love in all its forms. It will take action to stay balanced on the emotional roller coaster ride to love and it will take action to find and “drive” your vehicles.

These six predictors are awesome! From my own experience in life and dating it is clear that when one of these elements was missing, I didn’t reach my goal. I invite everyone to take the Six Predictors quiz that Cobey-Piper and Hardesty developed. When my friend Susan A. took the quiz, she was surprised that she was getting in her own way of finding a new love. Here’s the link to the quiz:

Http://MatchmakerSecrets.com/quiz

Have fun with it. If you find any great insights about your dating experience, feel free to share it via email or sign up for a time to talk below. Let us know if we can share your story in future issues of The Heartbeat.

What The Garden Guys Can Teach Us About Love

Gardening has a lot in common with finding, growing and keeping love. Let’s look at some principles from the garden and see how they apply to loving relationships.

#1  Prepare Your Soil Before You Plant. 

Just like plants don’t grow in soil that is undernourished or too hard, love doesn’t grow in a hard and starved heart. Do what you can to nurture yourself so that you can be softer when you are with family and friends.  It will make a difference when you are out in the dating world.

#2  Protect Your Garden From Pests.

What are the pests that hamper your love life? Are friends and co-workers a source of scrutiny and negativity? Are family members interfering in your relationship? Every relationship has to find ways to put a protective, semi-permeable barrier around itself. If you are dating, you need to surround yourself with people who believe in love and inspire you while blocking out the noise of those who lead you to fear and self-doubt.

#3  Don’t Pull Up the Plants to See How the Roots Are Doing.

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, it is tempting to check in to see how things are going. Don’t do this too early. You put the other person “on the spot” when you say seemingly innocuous things like, “where do you see this relationship going?” after only two or three dates. Relax. Chill out. Take your time and get to know the other person before trying to define things.

#4 Plants Need Water, Sunlight and Nutrition to Survive.

And in just the right amounts. Don’t drown another person with gifts, texts, invitations and accolades. Keep it steady, but not overwhelming. Likewise, don’t be too stingy with the good stuff. Relationships thrive on the right amounts of attention and affection and everyone is different in what makes them feel loved and cared for. Pay attention to the fruits of your relationship to see if you have the right combination.

#5 For Plants to Grow, You’ve Got to Keep the Weeds Under Control.

Sometimes the “weeds” in relationships are close by and choking the life out of it. These weeds can be so entangled that it is almost impossible to discern the weed from the plant. Weeds like this show up as thinking about past hurts or feelings of unworthiness. Left un-recognized and unchecked, these thoughts can crush an otherwise promising relationship. Start noticing your thoughts and questioning their veracity. You may find some of these “weeds” become easy to remove when you take a good look at them. 

#6 Learn to Survive the Hurricanes and Marauders.

I happen to know the Garden Guys and I know that these beautiful rows of corn were enjoyed only by some pesky raccoons and skunks that had figured their way around #2. Later, the fall planting was undone by warm weather and two deluges. What are you going to do when something similar happens in your love life? Do you swear off ever loving again? Or do you lick your wounds, learn what you can and get back in the garden?

#7 When the Harvest Comes In, Relish It!!

It is a real miracle when a little seed grows into a beautiful plant and even more of a miracle when that plant gives us nourishing food to eat. Appreciate the fruits of your loving relationships. Never take them for granted. Smile. Treasure the gift.

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

Love and Money

This month’s article focuses on the commonalities in human behavior when it comes to love and money. My dear friend told me about a class he took based on the workbook, How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything. The fact that he never cracked the book during the course was a powerful and funny lesson for him. Perhaps our behaviors around love and money follow the same anything/everything pattern.

Three of my favorite Financial Planners, Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors, Debbie Ash of  Ashbridge Financial Solutions and Martin Noble of Edward Jones have agreed to weigh in on this article, just to make sure we are keeping it between the lines. Together, let’s address some common aspects in love and money.

Do Your Homework

Charles had a lot to say on this topic, not just from a financial advisor point of view, but also as a matchmaker (Go Charles!!) He asks his single friends to address the following questions when looking for a mate.

·      Has your intended been married before? What was the learning from that relationship?

    How does your intended treat his/her parents and strangers?

    How does your intended act when s/he doesn’t get what s/he wants?

In today’s world you can do your homework by checking out a new love interest on line. How does this person show up on social media? Do they have a history of trouble with the law? It is all pretty accessible through the wonders of modern technology.

Your financial homework is to go to a third party source to corroborate your investment plan. Get others’ perspectives before forging ahead financially.

Don’t Judge a Book By Its’ Cover

Financial investments as well as love can sometimes be swayed by what is glitzy or pretty. Martin noted, “It may be tempting to buy a popular investment, however it may not fit with the rest of your portfolio, and it may be risker that you expect.  When considering an investment, it is important to evaluate how it fits with your overall goals, comfort level with risk and your diversification.  Buying into an investment that is popular or hyped may actually distance you from reaching your financial goals.” 

In love, don’t be swayed by glitzy glamor photos that reflect only the exterior of a person on an extraordinary day. Look deeper to understand the character of an individual. 

Staying the Course

Charles, Debbie and Martin agree that when you have a good financial plan, you sometimes need to “stay the course” through ups and downs, knowing that the plan is sound. Charles says, “invest in a strategy that has a high probability of you reaching your goals.” It doesn’t mean you don’t “tweak” your portfolio from time to time, but you don’t change your entire investment strategy because of temporary circumstances. Martin adds, “it is important to hold a long-term perspective when investing.  This will help you weather storms and allow you to focus on what you can control – holding a diversified portfolio of quality investments designed for your specific goals, time horizon and comfort level with risk.  Frequent reviews of your portfolio and strategy help you stay on track through proactive adjustments when necessary.”

Similarly, successful long-term relationships didn’t get to be long without wading through significant ups and downs. Expect that any long-term relationship is going to have its highs and lows and sometimes you need to “stay the course” if you’ve committed to another person. If you are on solid ground, keep working at it, tweak what you can and have faith.

Understand There are No Guarantees

In finances and in love, there are no guarantees. Being married doesn’t guarantee you will never experience loneliness. Having an investment plan doesn’t mean the market won’t tank. Protect yourself with diversification. Even though you are in a long-term committed relationship with another, do you have great relationships with friends, family and yourself so you can survive should you lose your significant other to death or divorce?

Martin reminds us, “In financial planning, it is important to manage risk.  A diversified portfolio is a key component to help you ride the ups and downs of the market.  An investment that underperforms inside a diversified portfolio becomes a disappointment rather than a disaster.  Also, make sure you have the right protection in place to help you and your loved ones should unexpected death or disability occur.”

Bad Investments

In love and in money how often do we “throw good money after bad?” Do we sometimes fail to own up to bad financial choices we’ve made? Do we keep at a love “investment” even after realizing it was a poor choice?  Do feelings of shame prevent us from owning up to our poor choices so that we can make changes? It’s important to be honest with ourselves and others both in our financial and our love lives and to take the necessary steps to make things right.

Seek Professional Advice

Debbie, Charles and Martin agree that we shouldn’t make big investments without a trusted financial planner. Debbie says that retirement is our biggest financial goal and it should never be taken lightly.  She feels it important to work with a financial planner who understands your unique situation and can coach you to your goals. 

Similarly, in our love relationships it pays to get expert advice from a matchmaker, date coach or therapist. Why go it alone? In the world of love, you can get help in all the following areas: finding someone special, recognizing a destructive relationship, maintaining a relationship through the inevitable ups and downs and surviving the loss of a relationship.

You Cannot Win If You Do Not Play

In all aspects of life, you can’t sit in your home all alone with your head buried in the sand and expect to grow your relationships or your money. It takes action on your part. Don’t be an ostrich!

Thank you to

Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors (Primerica.com/charlescalloway),

Debbie Ash of Ashbridge Financial Solutions (www.ashbridgefs.com) and

Martin Noble of Edward Jones (www.edwardjones.com/martin-noble) for their thoughts on this topic. If you are looking for a financial advisor, you won’t go wrong with any of these fine people!   

Wishing you abundance in all aspects of life!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

It’s Not Chemistry; It’s Physics!!

This month’s article features a Q&A between Dr. Kate and her longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Lacy Frazer.  Enjoy!!

Dr. Kate:  When we were both psychologists working in a federal prison complex I was so impressed by the class you taught called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” It was a life-changing course for the inmates who participated. I especially remember the presentation on “Energy” that you gave to 200 inmates. They were spellbound by what you had to say. You discussed many properties of personal energy that resonated with me. Today, I would like you to talk about these basic properties of energy and how they are relevant to people who are actively dating. Please start by telling us about some of the basic principles of energy.

Dr. Frazer:  I discovered these principles of energy following a powerful personal trauma. While on the quest to heal from that trauma, I discovered the field of quantum physics which studies atomic and subatomic systems that make up energy. I learned that everything is made of energy; we as humans have energy coursing through us at all times and we live in an energetic universe. This energy is both electrical and magnetic. My discovery of quantum physics completely changed the lens through which I view life, walk through life, and interact with everyone and everything. I see the power of each person’s energy field which includes the quality of the energy running through them and the frequency of the energy they generate and emanate. What is so crucial about this is that each person’s energy is magnetic. So we are always attracting into our life people and experiences that are an energetic match to what we are putting out.

Dr. Kate: Is that like “you reap what you sow” or “what you put out you get back”?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! This is the scientific explanation for these commonly used phrases. 

Dr. Kate: So, are you saying that people have the power to attract the mate they truly want?

Dr. Frazer: Yes. But it’s important to understand that the power to attract someone lies in one’s own energetic vibration. Most people are unaware of the quality of the energy they are putting out into the world. Essentially, the energy field we are “vibrating” can be largely negative, positive, or neutral. Whatever the overall quality is, it is also magnetic. This means that we are often unknowingly pulling into our life people and experiences that are a match to our energy output. For instance, if we always feel angry at someone or something, we are likely drawing to us people and experiences that match our anger. Similarly, people who energetically “vibrate” abundance and love, attract more of the same in their life. Does that make sense?

Dr. Kate: Absolutely! So, assuming that most people reading this want to attract the “perfect” mate, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: To put it very simply, thoughts lead to feelings and feelings are E-motions….or energy-in-motion. So, if we have over 60, 000 thoughts a day, and each thought contributes to this “energy-in-motion” AND this energy is magnetic…..then we better be paying attention to our thoughts and how we are feeling -  because it is pulling into our experience energetic matches to our predominant energetic vibration.

Dr. Kate: I see many singles who are fed up with the dating “game” because they have met people who lie about themselves online or are insensitive or callous. Maybe they have had an abusive long-term relationship in the past. The “baggage” from these experiences can really sour the next attempt at dating. Do you have any suggestions for people who have been hurt in relationships or the dating process so they don’t keep having the same experiences?

Dr. Frazer: To really change one’s predominant energetic vibration takes lots of practice. The goal is to get your own energy field clear, clean, and positive. When you do this you will automatically change the people and experiences that come into your life.

Dr. Kate: So, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: Again, this is a question that is not easy to answer in a sentence or two. However, I can say it begins with self awareness.

For example:

•    Learn the power of positive thinking. Practice it!

•    Interact with positive people.

•    Feel grateful and appreciative.

•    Engage in activities you love.

•    Spend time in nature.

In contrast, pay attention to the thoughts that contribute to negative emotional states (i.e., judgment, complaining, self-pity, resentment, competitiveness) and come up with antidotes to those negative thinking patterns.

Dr. Kate: So, getting back to our title, I hear so many singles complaining that they don’t experience any “chemistry” with another person. I’m thinking it may have more to do with “energy” or “physics.” What do you think about that?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! When we talk about chemistry in this situation, we are really talking about energy or physics. More important than visualizing the person you want to have in your life, FEEL the feelings you want to feel when you are with this person. In your daily life, practice feeling the joy, the love, the connection that you desire. The more you feel the feelings (even if just in your own mind and heart), the quicker you will call into your experience the person that matches those feelings!!!

Dr. Kate: Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I am sure many of my clients will find it helpful. I know you mentioned you are a life coach. Do you also coach people regarding relationships?

Dr. Frazer: Yes, I help people through my coaching and consulting practice. It takes some time to gain self-awareness about energy. My clients also learn and practice the necessary skills to shift the quality of the energy they are putting out which helps them heal, change, and live the life they are meant to live!

Dr. Kate: Dr. Frazer has agreed to offer a seminar, “Energy and Relationships” in October 2018. Stay tuned for information so you can attend that seminar. In the meantime, you can reach Dr. Frazer at:

Lacy Frazer Coaching and Consulting, LLC

lacyfrazer@gmail.com

919-448-4268

Dog Fashion Sense

Do You Have As Much Sense of Style as Dr. Kate’s Dog?

By Susan Preston of Geek Adonis

Guest Contributor

When Kate presented this provocative title to me for the July newsletter, I definitely wanted to explore it further because I’ve met Rocky and he is a mighty fine dog.

Turns out that what Kate was talking about is that Rocky often responds to her style of dress with differing levels of enthusiasm. His most joyful response to her of course is when she’s wearing her dog-walking outfit; no surprise there! Kate also reports that Rocky will look at her somewhat wistfully when she’s dressed to head out for a business meeting. She added that he has an even different canine response when she’s headed out to a Singles’ Event but I’m not entirely sure that I believe that one although he is a smart fellow.

This started me thinking that my favorite and most oft-repeated mantra “people respond to you based on how you’re dressed” may actually cross species!  This further emphasizes how important it is to project the image you want to present to the world when you walk out your front door.

As a professional stylist, I’ve heard many reasons from my clients why they feel they shouldn’t have to do this. Do any of these sound familiar?

“I’m just more comfortable in shorts and T-shirts.”

“It shouldn’t matter how I look; it’s inside that counts.”

“Why should I dress to impress at work? I’m good at my job and that’s what matters.”

“I don’t have to dress a certain way to meet a new woman/man. If they’re that shallow, they’re not for me anyway.”

Believe me when I say it DOES matter. When you take the time and make the effort to dress better in well-fitting and flattering clothes, you’re telling the world that you care about your appearance. You’re confident. You’re self-assured. You’re into self-care. If you’re taking care of your personal appearance you’re perceived as being more competent and more trustworthy. And able to take care of important matters in your life, like your job and people you care about.

So give your appearance more than just a passing thought…and others will sit up and take notice! Maybe even your best canine friend J

You can find Susan at:  www.geek-adonis.com

THE ROYAL WEDDING: A MATCHMAKER'S PERSPECTIVE

Like any matchmaker, I’m enthralled by a good love story. The story of the courtship and the May 19th wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle did not disappoint. By now, you may be completely saturated with news of this historic union, so I’ll only make a couple of points to highlight what I see is working in this relationship.

Number One:  They celebrate the differences. As Ellen Barry wrote in the NYT, “The most extraordinary thing he (Prince Harry) has done is to marry Ms. Markle, an American actress who is three years his senior, biracial, divorced and vocal about her (feminist) views.” In addition, Harry married her despite loads of “family drama.” On her part, Meghan Markle chose a man who is three years younger than she, who speaks with a different accent and has a score of well publicized previous romantic relationships. Harry never had to work and has a very different set of life experiences. Whew! It is amazing they ever got to a first date!

To those who are looking for love; are you open to such differences? Will you date a Democrat? A Republican? A person who is shorter or taller or fatter or skinnier than you? Will you date someone who has some “baggage” (aka “life experience”)? Will you date someone who practices a different religion or whose educational background or income is different than yours? OR do you only date people who meet your aesthetic standard, who think like you do, eat like you do, enjoy all the same things that you do? If so, you not only limit your dating choices, you limit yourself.  When you celebrate the differences, you open yourself up to wholly new life experiences and you enrich yourself, your partner and the world.

Number Two:  Harry and Meghan don’t expect their lives to stay the same after marriage. In an interview, Ms. Markle proudly reported that her television series had over 100 episodes. Clearly, she’s an established actress who had a promising career. Likewise, Prince Harry had been the world’s most eligible bachelor since his big brother married in 2011. With their marriage, those things are going to change. Meghan gave up a promising acting career and left her home country and her family behind. Harry is no longer number one on the eligible bachelors list (perhaps a dubious distinction) and he’ll need to accommodate his life to include his new beautiful bride.

What is the point? If you are looking for a long-term relationship, expect your life to change. As a matchmaker, I’ve heard many people express the desire to find a perfect mate who will come into their life and neatly fit into the established boundaries. This is a fantasy! If you do find a significant other, it is 100% guaranteed that you won’t have the same daily routines, the same traditions, the same friends, the same family. These things will grow and change. Are you open to welcoming new people into your circle? Are you willing to move or change jobs to accommodate your new relationship? Are you open to changing your patterns for the sake of love?

So far, Harry and Meghan seem to be completely smitten and in love, willing to accept their differences, their crazy families and the major life changes that marriage brings. We wish them well in their journey of love!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Are You Ready for Love?

Are You Ready for Love?

5/8/2018

Divorce is a Process

Don’t expect yourself to be ready to start a new relationship within weeks or months of your divorce. It is a process that can takes years. In their book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti identify fully 19 (!) stages in the process of rebuilding after a divorce. They know through their many years of research that it really does take time and conscious effort to be able to form healthy romantic relationships again.

By now, we are all familiar with this handy pain scale. Used to assess physical pain levels, this tool can also be used to gauge emotional pain. The emotional pain of the divorce can take many forms: grief, anger, shame, regret, loneliness and jealousy to name a few. What is your emotional pain number? Be honest with yourself. You should not be dating if the average of your perceived emotional pain number is over a 4. If you are crying or talking incessantly about your Ex on a first date, you are in the wrong place!  It is time to take care of yourself first and to get your emotional ship in shape before attempting to forge new romantic relationships.

What is Your Relationship Story? What is Your Divorce Story?

Can you:

• tell your divorce story without your emotional pain scale skyrocketing to 10?

• remember the good times with your Ex without sinking into a puddle of tears?

• identify anything good that has come out of being in the marriage?

• name anything positive you have learned about yourself or about life because of the divorce?

• see the part you played in the unraveling of your relationship and forgive yourself for that?

• even imagine ever forgiving your former partner?

• imagine a happy life as a single person?

• imagine happiness with a new partner?

When you are in the beginning stages of divorce, these may be lofty goals. Still, it is important to move in the direction of forgiveness and in the direction of new possibilities if you want to get on with your life, whether you choose to stay single or get re-partnered.

Caring For Yourself

Whether you know you are NOT ready for a new relationship or you believe that you are, you will need to take care of yourself. What does that look like for you? It is different for everyone. What do you enjoy doing?  Do more of that! Decrease that which brings you down and create a forcefield of positivity around you so the challenges you are facing don’t wreak emotional havoc. Eat healthfully, exercise and reach out to others! 

Getting Into a New Relationship

In the Rebuilding book, the authors emphasize avoiding rebound romantic relationships. Friends can really help your emotional growth. In contrast, a new romantic relationship – if entered into before doing the work on yourself – can divert you from the path of self-reliance and growth. It may be super tempting because of the fun and excitement of new love, but ultimately you will both end up hurt if you are not ready.

If you are ready to date again, there are TONS of resources out there. You can try online dating resources and apps. You can meet people through Meet-up groups and by venturing out on your own to enjoy a movie, meal or show. You can employ a matchmaker or date coach to help you. These folks are expert at helping you figure out if you are ready to get back into the dating scene and they will help you navigate the tricky waters of dating. 

Don’t go it alone.

If you are in extreme emotional pain and there doesn’t seem to be any let-up, get professional counselling! There is no shame in getting help to get well. The shame would be in wasting any more time feeling terrible. 

There is life after divorce. There is the possibility of loving again. You will survive this difficult time in your life. You are doing yourself a great service by choosing high quality legal services. Let your attorney stand up for you when you need it. Get the help you need to deal with difficult emotions. Work on feeling a little bit better each day and you will see the light!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

You're Not Shopping for a Car

“Back in the day” shopping for a car meant choosing exactly what make and model just like today, but a consumer could also choose the interior and exterior colors as well as what “hi-fi” package. If you were really advanced and a cautious person, you might even choose to include seat belts. Nothing was standard and you could completely customize your car.

After a New Year’s water leak in our home left my family needing to make many repairs, I found shopping for bathroom fixtures equally customizable. How many sinks in your vanity? How tall? How wide? How deep? What color? Center mount faucets? What material? What manufacturer? What style? All my purchases could be sorted through myriad filters until I arrived at the perfect product at the perfect price point.  Whew!

I wonder if we aren’t using the same framework in choosing a mate these days. Dating is no longer a fun discovery of other human beings, but a sifting of potential mates through a series of ever-refined filters until we achieve the perfect constellation of factors that we believe will produce a happy relationship. Online dating sites really thrive on matching along these dimensions and even matchmakers (myself included), spend a lot of time discussing what characteristics our clients are looking for in another. Just like my new bathroom vanity (which is gorgeous, BTW), prospective dates pass through endless filters.

Specific evidence of this filtering process was detailed in a statistic from Bottom Line, based on Match.com research. “iPhone users are 21 times more likely to judge Android-phone owners negatively… while Android owners are 15 times more likely to think poorly of iPhone users.” I mentioned this to one colleague who had recently been in the dating scene and he said that a lot of people are going to need to change their cell phones. Two other friends suggested that there really are differences between people who use Android phones and those that use Apple phones and that this is a legitimate way to narrow down the pool of suitors. I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone!

There are, indeed, many prospective mates in the world and it may seem like narrowing the field is critical to success. Still, it is important to be thoughtful about what criteria we are using to narrow the field. Is a mate’s choice of cell phone really going to matter in a long term relationship? Or is it those factors that cannot easily be quantified that will make all the difference? Factors like, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor about life and about themselves, compassion, adventure? These are just some of the non-tangibles that are the foundation of a great relationship.

So, watch out for “shopper’s mind” and start enjoying the possibilities when you look to get to know another person in a deeper way.

With love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Dating Tips for Men

Arrive on time; this means 5-10 minutes early. If you are on time, consider yourself late. Why not a little earlier? Because she’s still getting ready… Life happens and if you are going to be late, let her know immediately and tell her why. And it better be good.

• Attire: Dress for the setting, but dress up just a notch, and be careful about over doing it. You don’t want to out-dress her, woman tend to frown upon that. If you’re doing lunch or coffee, stay away from anything that you would wear at the gym or food shopping. It is casual, but remember: this is a date. Lean towards a shirt with a collar, and wear clean shoes. They pay attention to their shoes and might notice your dingy gym shoes. If you’re headed to dinner, wear a jacket. If you don’t have one, buy one. It’s amazing how much more dialed in you will look even if you’re wearing jeans and a t-shirt. First impressions count.

• Cologne: one or two sprays. She should only smell it if she gets close to you, not from across the table.

• Grooming: Manage that hair, and that doesn’t just mean the kind on your head. Get rid of the Ewok coming out of your ears and nose. And clean up the eyebrows. Again, women spend a lot of time on their small details so they will notice if you have made a similar effort. The details matter. Fingernails: clean and trimmed.

• The setting: Find a place that is agreeable. Going to an Indian restaurant; does she even like Indian? Get a reservation, it shows you’re on top of things and have made an effort. Will you be able to hear one another? Bars are great for hanging out with the guys, but not for hearing what she has to say. That leads me to my next point.

• Conversation: No woman has ever had a date and gone back to her girlfriends and said, “It was horrible, all I did was talk about myself.” Seriously, at least 60% of the conversation should be about her. Most women tend to communicate more than we do so let them. Keep it positive. The goal of a date is to get to know each other and to have a good time. If you start complaining about your job, congratulations, you have just exited the fun zone. Good luck getting a 1second date. Keep the conversation light. There’s no need to dig deep with the details. Just see if you guys get along and if there is a mutual attraction.

• Picking her up: If you are, go to the door. Dropping her off, walk her to the door. Don’t be scared, be a man.

• The kiss: Unless it is super obvious that this is going to happen (we’re talking about the first date) save it for another time. Wrap it up with a hug. If she really wanted one, you just had a great date and left her “wanting” a kiss from “you.” That is a good thing, not a mistake. And for the date when it is right, don’t wait until the end of the night when you drop her off. It’s too much pressure for both of you. Wait for a right time, like after the meal and you’re opening up a car door for her (do that as well gentlemen), or if you’re walking back to the car. She won’t expect it: score one for the spontaneous guy (that’s you Einstein).

• Who pays?: You. If she objects, then gracefully stand down and allow her to do so (this is not the 1950’s, it’s okay). She likely has a reason, but don’t push for an explanation. Smile and say thank you.

• How to handle silence: A moment of silence is fine, but of course can lead to discomfort. So, resort to your bank of talking point and questions. Oh, you don’t have one. Make one, preparation reduces anxiety.

• Your phone: Leave it in your pocket or better yet, your car. By no means should it touch that table and don’t “check it.” If you’re waiting for an organ donor, you shouldn’t be on this date. She should be getting all of your attention, not 90% of it.

• When to contact her again: Rules of dating say 2-3 days so you don’t look desperate. Screw the rules, show her that you’re interested, and since you broke the rules, she’ll notice… Wait a day, but don’t go overboard. Let her know you had a great time, then feel out the conversation and go from there. Don’t push for the next date… Be cool.

• When the date goes bad: Don’t wait forever to wrap things up, but don’t be too abrupt. Most important, BE NICE. So what if this isn’t your soulmate, show her some respect and that karma thing will come back around.

• Most important: Have fun and be nice!

                   -Ken Miller

Restaurant Pet Peeves

Authentic Connections is constantly working to meet new people throughout the NC Triangle in order to increase our pool of wonderful singles.  Recently, I (Kate) met a fellow named George who has been a restaurant manager for over 25 years here in our lovely state. George and I talked about restaurants that might be good for Mother’s Day and his advice was to treat my mother to a home-cooked meal!!  Because of the multiple college graduations going on simultaneously, there are few seats available at our local eateries. George also complained about Mother’s Day bringing out all the “amateurs” to his restaurant. I was VERY curious about this and asked him to tell me about signs of being an unsophisticated diner:  He came up with the following top ten list that you might find interesting. Ever the psychologist and Wanna-Be-Eternal-Optimist, I have followed each item in italics with a George-Approved solution so you don’t fall into the “inexperienced diner” category anymore.

Top 10 Restaurant Pet Peeves Your Server Won’t Tell You

George:  #1 Faking Food Allergies: Please do not claim to be “deathly allergic” to certain ingredients if you simply prefer to avoid certain foods. Implying that the server and kitchen staff is responsible for your survival, when in fact, you simply “Don’t like onions”, is completely unacceptable!

Kate:  Our dear friend, Ruth, has extreme food sensitivities and she simply brings her own food to events.  If you are going to meet a group at a restaurant, buy what you can eat off the menu or ask for reasonable accommodations.  If you eat ahead of time and don’t eat the restaurant food, you should still tip your server as you would have if you had eaten a meal.

George:  #2 Ready, Set, Stop!!: Please don’t frantically flag down your server and say you are “ready to order” if you aren’t.  It is OK to ask questions about the menu, but you need to place your order without staring into the menu for another 5 minutes as the server stands idly by.  This wastes the server’s time and affects other diners. Super pet peeve: Don’t try to order while on your phone. Most servers are trained to walk away if you are on your phone.

Kate:  If you are an inexperienced diner like me, you might want to review the menu on-line before you get to a restaurant, especially if you are on a first date.  If you do your homework, you’ll reduce at least one form of stress on that first date.

George:  #3 Whine about Wine:  If you are not a wine drinker, DO NOT order wine! Busy restaurants suffer severely due to servers scrambling to provide inexperienced wine drinkers with multiple samples of wine that will eventually be rejected by guests at the cost of the restaurant.

Kate: My solution:  get a glass of wine, just don’t expect it to change your life.  It is a learning experience! If you make a bad choice out of ignorance, don’t make that someone else’s problem.  Just learn and move on. To really improve your skills, take a wine tasting class where the whole purpose is to give you a chance to sip lots of varieties of wines so you know what you like.  Authentic Connections is hoping to offer such a class in the next few months. Stay posted!

George:  #4 Food Poisoning: Unless you have specifically been diagnosed by a licensed physician with this condition, and you have undeniable evidence that a particular dining establishment is to blame, do not call with your complaints or spread rumors that restaurant XYZ caused your GI distress! Stomach bugs are rampant all year round and affect everyone! Wash your hands!

Kate:  I do remember that correlation does not equal causation. Germs are truly everywhere.  Obviously, cooked foods are less likely to cause you a problem than uncooked.

George:  #5 Read Your Menu: Pay attention to menu descriptions and ingredients. It costs restaurants thousands of dollars per year when patrons send back $30 entrées in exchange for another because they simply want “something else” or they didn’t pay attention to the ingredients listed on the menu.

Kate: For most of us over 40, bring your readers.  Many menus have small print and restaurants often have low lighting.  Know what you are getting!

George:  #6 Restrooms: Seriously? What the hell is going on in there?

Men: Are you freakin’ blind?   Women: I’m simply speechless.

Kate:  George would not elaborate (thank goodness!), but we’ve all seen horrors with our own eyes.  If you clog the toilet, do not allow your personal embarrassment to prevent you from doing the right thing.  Let the management know so they can do something about it. Better yet, fix the problem yourself if you can.

George:  #7 We’ve got a stake in your steak:  Let’s make sure we are all singing out of the same hymnbook. This is the International code of red meat preparation:

Rare: Cool red center

Medium Rare: Warm red center

Medium: Hot Pink center

Medium Well: Thin pink center

Well Done: No Color. Fully Grey!

 If you ask for something like “rare to medium rare”, you will get rare.

Kate:  Learn how you like your meat cooked so you can ask for that with confidence.  Practice at home.

George:  #8 The “Bad Day” Syndrome: If you’ve had a bad day, or, if your life just sucks in general, please leave that at the front door. We are not licensed psychologists, nor can we administer lethal doses of poison at your request.

Kate:  If you are truly out of sorts, it might be a good day to get take-out, have a pizza delivered, or eat ice cream right out of the carton! If a nice meal might improve your outlook, go out and allow yourself to be cheered by nice people who really want you to have a great experience.

George:  #9 Take Out Orders: Calling in for a 10 item pick up order at 12:15 p.m. during Mother’s Day Brunch?  If you think your order will magically leapfrog the two-hour wait at the front door, you clearly need some schooling.

Kate:  ‘Nuff said.

George:  #10 Mass Media: The posting of unreasonably exaggerated complaints and unsubstantiated poor reviews on Yelp, Yahoo, City Search, etc. is truly the most unacceptable empowerment of the dining community. 70% of Americans are classified as “inexperienced diners,” yet many voice uninformed opinions which can really hurt businesses.  

Kate:  Perhaps there are better ways to channel our BFOs (Big Fat Opinions) than blasting an eating establishment on the internet.  If we are all following the Golden Rule (as 90% of people believe they are), we should privately let the management know of any problems encountered at their restaurant.  This gives them a chance to make corrections and allows them to stay in business – which benefits us all.

George: Thanks for your time. I hope y’all learned a little something’.

Kate:  Thanks for the great advice, George!

I hope this information was helpful to our readers whether you are single or “attached.”  Almost all first dates happen in restaurants, so you might as well get schooled in the proper way to handle yourself while you are there so you make a good impression!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox