Type, Temperament and Dating

An Interview between Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox and Stephanie Rogers, MPA.

Kate:  This month I’m so pleased to speak with Stephanie Rogers. Stephanie is a sociologist with expertise in personality theory. She has worked with some of the great theorists in the field of type and temperament. We had a chance to speak and I was blown away with the breadth and depth of her knowledge, so I’m so pleased she is willing to explain this for my audience this month.

Kate:  Stephanie, please start by letting us know what you do. 

Stephanie: For the past thirty years, I have used the frameworks of personality type and temperament to help clients understand themselves better, so they can be most effective in social settings. I use type and temperament to help clients understand inherent personality differences and create better relationships with others.

Kate:  I know you are an expert at working with the MBTI® (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®) and The Keirsey-Bates Temperament Sorter. The Keirsey-Bates is one of the personality tools used by Authentic Connections to get to know our clients better. Can you explain what the MBTI is and how it relates to Jung and Keirsey’s ideas about type and temperament?

Stephanie: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a psychological instrument. It was created by a mother-daughter team (Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers) in the 1940s-70s, to make Carl Jung’s psychological types accessible to the lay person. The instrument is widely used around the world in business, military, and counseling settings. MBTI scores are represented by a four-letter code, with one letter taken from each of the four preference pairs (Extraversion/Introversion, Sensing/iNtuition, Thinking/Feeling, Judging/Perceiving), i.e. ENFJ. Each of these terms comes with rich content, and great depth of knowledge. The letters/names are just the beginning.

Kate: Please explain personality type and temperament for our readers.

Stephanie:  Gladly, Kate. Psychological Type was developed by the famous Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung, in the 1920s. He was particularly interested in how people focus on their internal world or the external world, and their processes for perceiving information and making decisions. He identified eight “function-attitude” types, each having two versions of expression (for a total of sixteen). This was just one theory among a large body of his work that dealt with developing the unconscious.

Temperament was developed by David Keirsey, an American psychologist, in the 1970s. He identified “core psychic needs” of people to support good mental health. He recognized these four temperament patterns as ones that had been commonly recognized by great thinkers for centuries. He developed these four temperament patterns in a modern context for the lay person to sustain positive mental health and achieve their greatest happiness. The four temperaments are Guardian, Rational, Artisan, and Idealist.

Kate:  Did Jung and Keirsey believe that we are born with our type and temperament already established or do they develop through life experience once we “arrive?”

Your type stays the same throughout life, but there is a predictable pattern of development for each type that alters the expression of the type at different stages of life. Similar to human maturity, there is type maturity. You are always you, but you are not now as you were when you were two, but you are not entirely someone else either.

Kate: Does a person need to take the MBTI to use type and temperament?

Stephanie: No, individuals can usually identify themselves by reading the various descriptions, but what can be very helpful is having a knowledgeable practitioner interpret your four-letter type code or your temperament core needs. There are numerous online sources these days, some better than others, but nothing compares to having one-on-one coaching with someone who has expert knowledge of type and temperament.

Kate:  How can type and temperament help folks find a romantic relationship?

Stephanie:  There are many ways, but I’ll lay out a few here:

1)  Language – it gives us all a language to help us describe ourselves, our core values, and the qualities we find most important in life. We often take these things for granted, so we are not mindful of how we express them to other people. Then we are disappointed when people we care about don’t seem to understand the most basic things about us. Type and temperament give us a language to describe those qualities. Knowing that others share those qualities with us validates and reinforces those qualities in ourselves. Knowing we are different from others helps us to temper the expression of our type to help us get along better with others. It helps give us the confidence to be who we really are.

2)  Valuing Similarities and Differences – it gives us a framework for understanding personality similarities and differences. When we share some common characteristics with others, we sometimes have an expectation that we are alike in many ways – even if it isn’t true. Likewise, we may be attracted to someone that is very different, but then we expect them to behave or respond just like we do. Type and temperament reminds us that we each come with a package of qualities that is easily identifiable and equally valuable. It gives us the knowledge to appreciate others for who they are instead of trying to change them.

3)  Acceptance and Perspective – in relationships, it gives us the ability to glimpse another perspective. We have a window into another way of being in the world. Instead of writing people off, understanding the different types and temperaments allows us to get to know others from their perspective. And we have the tools to share our own perspectives. Sharing perspectives is a critical part of building human relationships. Type and temperament give us a guide to understanding other perspectives as we build relationships.

Kate: Is there a best type or temperament match for a loving relationship?

Stephanie: Yes. The best one for you! But seriously, there is no magic formula to determine which type or temperament combinations will be successful. While there are general patterns with each type and temperament, the unique life of each individual influences personal desire in a love relationship. Individual experiences influence our preferences for or against other types/temperaments. But the advantage of knowing type and temperament is invaluable because it provides a framework and language for discussing similarities and differences that can offer a short-cut to identifying a workable match. It also serves as a life-time tool for navigating the inevitable conflicts in any relationship.

Kate: In choosing a mate, does it make sense to search for someone who has the same type/temperament?

Stephanie: That can be successful, but it might also be a little bit boring. Type theory includes a clear path of development. The psyche wants to learn all the qualities that linger in our unconscious, and the universe seems to create opportunities for that development to occur at each person’s own pace. Even if a couple shares the same type, there is no guarantee their development process will be the same. With any combination there are challenges to face, but facing them with type knowledge is always better than without.

Kate: Are opposite types attracted to each other?

Stephanie:  Yes, but that does not mean that it is always the best match.  These relationships begin with a lot of intrigue, but they take great care if they are to last for the long-term. One pitfall is that often one person in the pair begins to assert their personality over the other, and the relationship lacks equity. This can happen in any pairing, but it seems common among opposite type pairs. If this pitfall can be avoided, opposites can provide a lifetime of energized development, each encouraging the type development of the other.

Kate: Are there impossible type combinations?

Stephanie: No, there have been life-long successful relationships of every type combination. The key to successful relationships is always about truly valuing your partner, and being truly valued by your partner. Type and temperament can help you to know how to ask for what you need to feel valued, and how to identify and confirm what you can do to truly value your partner.

Kate: What is the most loving type?

Stephanie: Well, that is different for everyone. What would be experienced as “loving” to one type could be “really annoying” to another type. The key is knowing what is “loving” to your partner, and offering that to them, even if it is totally different than the way you want/need to be loved. And you should never settle for less for yourself. In type, we aspire to the Platinum Rule rather than the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule states, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” The Platinum Rule states, “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” It is a true act of respect, and everyone deserves to be loved respectfully.

Kate: In your practice, how have you seen the awareness of type and temperament help someone looking for an authentic relationship?

Stephanie: So glad you asked. I love talking about success stories! There are two people that come to mind. Let’s start with “Sherry.”

Sherry had several good relationships that always seem to fail just at the proposal stage. In her mind, she had an idea of the perfect dates that would lead to the perfect relationship. She was very attracted to men that wanted to share great adventures and romantic moments because they created picture-perfect dates. She had a hectic work schedule and close friends and family that also required her attention. The men she dated worked around her busy schedule and found it easy to always create great dates during the time they shared. This worked especially well for the men who were also busy and had several interests they could pursue when Sherry was not available. With each relationship, as time and intimacy grew, Sherry began to think about marriage and the kind of family life she wanted. Her image of married life was very different than her image of dating life, and as she would communicate her desires, the men would seem to retreat. Her image of married life called for a complete shift to a co-existence that allowed little room for individual pursuits. Sherry’s type tends to want real life to match their idealized life, but the men she dated fit her perfect ideal for dating, but not her perfect ideal for marriage. The type of men Sherry dated were adventurous and independent and they thought they found a perfect match in Sherry because she seemed to want the same adventure and independence, until she suddenly wanted something very different. Sherry was frustrated with all the men that seemed to let her down, so she sought some advice about type and temperament in hopes of finding a type that would suit her better. She was quickly able to identify her own type and she could easily identify the temperament pattern of the men she had dated. With some discussion of her various relationships, and how each had dissolved, she began to see that the men were consistently behaving as their type would predict, and it was her behavior that revealed inconsistency. She admitted that even though the ideal date and ideal mate images didn’t seem contradictory to her, it was apparent why the men had felt she had been pretending to be something she wasn’t. Once Sherry was able to see herself through her partner’s eyes (using type and temperament), she was able to offer a more authentic description of the partnership she was seeking. She didn’t change the type of man she was looking for, but she did communicate early in her relationship about the image she had of building a closer bond that would lead to greater interdependence that included marriage and family, along with some great adventures. She found a man that was willing to build a more interconnected life than he had originally imagined possible for himself. They have three kids and many adventures.

“David” had a disappointing divorce after just two years of marriage, but he was ready to find someone to build a life with and have children. He wanted to get it right this time so he sought advice on finding the right type to pursue. When he described what he was looking for he said he wanted someone that was flexible, caring, and didn’t have to have everything perfect all the time. When asked, he explained that his ex-wife had all of those qualities but she just wasn’t very mature. Further discussion revealed that his mother had been very overbearing, and he resented the control she inflicted on him. He was able to identify his own type by identifying with the qualities of structure, stability, and responsibility. He gave examples of working for the same company since graduation and saving enough money for the down payment of a new house. He said he was easily attracted to women that flirted with him but was then disappointed when they didn’t seem serious. He complained that a few of the women he dated seemed flaky or too interested in how much money he had. He finally revealed that he always picked women that seemed to be the opposite of his mom. But when he was asked to describe the qualities he would want in a wife he said reliable, neat, friendly, liked her job, family oriented, and conscientious. Even David realized he was describing someone like himself. Then he realized that was not the type of person he had been dating at all. With more discussion about type and temperament he concluded that he and his mom were the same type, and probably more alike than he cared to admit. He also realized there were some things about his mom that he really respected like her organization and dependability, and the fact that he always knew he could count on her to be in his corner; qualities he hoped his own children would have in a mom. By trying to escape the over-bearing quality of his mother, he had disregarded other qualities that he really wanted in a partner. His ex-wife and the women he dated did not meet his expectations of a reliable, more traditional partner. David was able to better understand his own personality, appreciate similar qualities in the women he met, and not attribute the negative experience of his mother to them. Most importantly, he saw within himself the potential to become an over-bearing father to his own children, and he takes care to prevent that with the sons he shares with his very conscientious and dependable wife, Dara.

Kate: Thanks so much for those great examples! What can our readers do to learn more about type and temperament?

Stephanie: A good first step is to learn more about your own type and temperament. It can be very affirming to learn that there are other people like you that approach the world in the same way you do, and care about similar things. It helps to find language that you can use to communicate to others what is important and meaningful to you. Once you understand more about yourself through the lens of type and temperament, curiosity usually takes people to the next step of learning about others. You don’t need to become an expert for the knowledge of type and temperament to be useful. Just having a new appreciation for all the different ways people approach the world is an asset in building relationships. People often seek expertise in trying to manage an interpersonal conflict, or to resolve the wound of an old relationship. This can really help people increase their knowledge by exploring the concepts through a personal experience. Some people are at just the right moment of readiness for what type and temperament have to offer and they can’t get enough, for others it is a long process of discovery. There is no one right way to learn about type and temperament. However, there is one important rule, the knowledge should never, ever, be used to tell someone else who they are, who they should be, or how they are right or wrong. That goes for both practitioners and newbies.

Kate:  Is there a book you’d recommend for someone wanting to learn about temperament and types?

Stephanie: Yes! Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types, by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates.

Kate:  Thanks for sharing from your vast knowledge of type and temperament, Stephanie. It is clear that being aware and understanding these personal preferences and differences can really help those who are wanting to get into a romantic relationship, those in long-standing relationships and really anyone relating to anyone else in any way. Powerful!  Thank you!

You can reach Stephanie at stephanie@purposepoints.com or at her website at: www.purposepoints.com. 

Are Your BFOs Scaring Love Away?

“You can be right, or you can be married.” I first heard this quote at a workshop for couples given by Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage. At the time, the workshop participants responded with nervous laughter. It was something we all knew and didn't want to admit; the need to be right can be a love killer.

BFO has many different meanings:  Basic Formal Ontology, Beat Frequency Oscillator, Blood Forming Organ, Blinding Flash of the Obvious and Best Friend at the Office. For today’s purpose, BFO stands for Big Fat Opinion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the need to be right about our opinions. We will go to great lengths to discredit information that might poke a hole in our firmly held BFOs. People will go to jail for their opinions. People will sometimes die for their opinions. Sometimes that is justified, even heroic. But in everyday life, do we sometimes cling to opinions that don’t really matter?  Do we sometimes push others away who think differently than we do? Are we all losing out on a whole lot of potentially wonderful love by doing so?

As a matchmaker I take it as my responsibility to speak about this phenomenon because it is getting worse and it is making us lonelier and lonelier.  (Paradoxically, I’m espousing a BFO right now in writing this, and I hope you won’t fault me too much!) Democrats won’t date Republicans. Republicans won’t date Democrats. People who use I-Phones won’t date people who use Android phones and vice versa. (You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not!) Some people must date red-heads. Some people won’t date red-heads. Our opinions about who is “in” and who is “out” may really limit potential suitors when someone is looking for friendship or love.

BFOs can be used to help us make connections with like-minded people. However, firmly-held, dogmatic BFOs can also shield us from any challenge to our favorite prejudices or any requirement for us to rethink our pet peeves. That shielding freezes us in the past and limits our discovery, our surprise, our learning, and the spontaneous joy, compassion and connection intrinsic to being human.  We all want to be loved for who we are at the deepest part of ourselves.  Don’t bury that under BFOs about others or about yourself. 

My invitation to everyone reading this is to allow yourself to ease up on at least one opinion. It could be as simple as what is the “proper” way to load the dishwasher or whether you love or hate kombucha. It could be as complicated as what you think about politics or religion. Open yourself up to new ideas and new experiences. Don’t shun someone because they think differently than you do. Maybe you could even have an actual back and forth, give and take, CONVERSATION!! If everyone did that, the world would be a much nicer place and you might even find LOVE!

We only experience true love when we look beyond the external and see into someone’s heart and let them see into ours. Try it!  Wishing you abundant love!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

The Six Predictors of Relationship Success

Matchmaker Secrets: The Six Predictors of Dating Success

I had the chance to meet one of the authors of this insightful book at the International Matchmakers Conference in New York City last month. Elizabeth Cobey-Piper is an optimistic and upbeat matchmaker from Ohio who has a down-to-earth approach to matchmaking. She and her co-author, Susie Hardesty, came up with these six predictors of success after many years in the matchmaking business. I think what she has to say may be helpful to my clients who are currently navigating the dating scene.

The first predictor of dating success is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Priority Predictor. The Priority Predictor is pretty self-explanatory. Someone seeking love needs to make finding love a priority in life. I see a lot of singles with super busy lives who are not willing to fit finding love into their schedules. Work is important. Friends and family are important. Working out is important. Binge watching television is important. Yet, many singles long for love and still are not willing to make finding it a priority. Without making finding love a priority in life, Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say many singles won’t. So carve out the time and then take action!

The second predictor is the Belief Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that singles need to believe that love is possible. The Belief Predictor goes on to say that someone seeking love needs to believe that a person who is a good match really exists and that it is possible to find that person. I’ve seen the opposite occur when heterosexual men or women make disparaging comments about the opposite sex or when any single person spouts off all the reasons that it is impossible to find love. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty don’t weigh in on this as much, but I believe another important element of the Belief Predictor is what the single person thinks of him/herself. If you don’t believe you are worthy of love, then it can’t find you. These sometimes negative beliefs about the self often go unrecognized. It takes effort and attention to identify negative beliefs about self and others, but it is well worth it to identify the beliefs that may be getting in the way of our goals.

The Third Predictor is the Open Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say, “love is looking for you, so be open to how it shows up.  Free yourself from the constraints of your preconceived ideals and allow love to surprise you.” We live in an era where we can pop our criteria into a matchmaking application and whoosh out come all the candidates who live within ten miles of us, who are x feet tall or a size 6, who love all the things we love and think the way we think. We are sorely disappointed when Mr. Six Feet Tall meets all those criteria but isn’t particularly nice and doesn’t love us. If one is looking for love, don’t make so many hard and fast criteria. Love can present itself in many forms, with many different ways of thinking and you just never know what can work. Maybe you dated someone with curly hair in the past and it didn’t work out. Don’t write off all the curly headed individuals you may meet in the future! I know in my own experience my husband didn’t check a number of my “must have” boxes and still our marriage works. I think you'll find that to be more often true than not.

The fourth Predictor is what Cobey-Piper and Hardesty call the Balance Predictor. This one I love because it speaks directly to the emotional ups and downs of the of dating experience. I've seen it online where a dater might get so excited about someone they see online and then that person doesn't respond to an email and they are already so infatuated when perhaps that person isn’t active or is not even real. I have a client who I just adore who understands that he's going to have to meet a lot of people to find the right one. He doesn’t get overly excited about any one person nor does he get overly depressed about any one person. A date coach can really help someone with that emotional balance and perspective.

The fifth predictor is the Vehicle Predictor. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty  say “give love a way to find you and give yourself a way to find love.” They recommend at least three “vehicles” to find love. Those vehicles can be using online dating services or working with a matchmaker. A vehicle can be making a habit of going out to places where other single people hang out which includes mundane places like grocery stores, book stores and outdoor events as well as organized singles events, speed-dating and Meetup groups. When you use these methods, you can’t go one time and say, “Meetups don’t work” or “I tried Match.com for a week and didn’t meet anyone.” Be patient with yourself and others and make sure you are getting out and doing it. Everyone knows you cannot hunt from the cave.

The sixth predictor is the Action Predictor. It is all well and good to have these new concepts committed to memory, but now you have to take action. Just thinking about finding love and making your vision board of the perfect person does not bring that person to you. These thoughts and images are important and really helpful if they aren’t so specific as to blind one to other possibilities. Still, without concrete action, nothing will happen. Cobey-Piper and Hardesty say that action is needed in all the other predictors. It will take action to make finding love a priority. It will take action to examine beliefs about self and others and to change any beliefs that are getting in the way. It will take action to open up to love in all its forms. It will take action to stay balanced on the emotional roller coaster ride to love and it will take action to find and “drive” your vehicles.

These six predictors are awesome! From my own experience in life and dating it is clear that when one of these elements was missing, I didn’t reach my goal. I invite everyone to take the Six Predictors quiz that Cobey-Piper and Hardesty developed. When my friend Susan A. took the quiz, she was surprised that she was getting in her own way of finding a new love. Here’s the link to the quiz:

Http://MatchmakerSecrets.com/quiz

Have fun with it. If you find any great insights about your dating experience, feel free to share it via email or sign up for a time to talk below. Let us know if we can share your story in future issues of The Heartbeat.

What The Garden Guys Can Teach Us About Love

Gardening has a lot in common with finding, growing and keeping love. Let’s look at some principles from the garden and see how they apply to loving relationships.

#1  Prepare Your Soil Before You Plant. 

Just like plants don’t grow in soil that is undernourished or too hard, love doesn’t grow in a hard and starved heart. Do what you can to nurture yourself so that you can be softer when you are with family and friends.  It will make a difference when you are out in the dating world.

#2  Protect Your Garden From Pests.

What are the pests that hamper your love life? Are friends and co-workers a source of scrutiny and negativity? Are family members interfering in your relationship? Every relationship has to find ways to put a protective, semi-permeable barrier around itself. If you are dating, you need to surround yourself with people who believe in love and inspire you while blocking out the noise of those who lead you to fear and self-doubt.

#3  Don’t Pull Up the Plants to See How the Roots Are Doing.

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, it is tempting to check in to see how things are going. Don’t do this too early. You put the other person “on the spot” when you say seemingly innocuous things like, “where do you see this relationship going?” after only two or three dates. Relax. Chill out. Take your time and get to know the other person before trying to define things.

#4 Plants Need Water, Sunlight and Nutrition to Survive.

And in just the right amounts. Don’t drown another person with gifts, texts, invitations and accolades. Keep it steady, but not overwhelming. Likewise, don’t be too stingy with the good stuff. Relationships thrive on the right amounts of attention and affection and everyone is different in what makes them feel loved and cared for. Pay attention to the fruits of your relationship to see if you have the right combination.

#5 For Plants to Grow, You’ve Got to Keep the Weeds Under Control.

Sometimes the “weeds” in relationships are close by and choking the life out of it. These weeds can be so entangled that it is almost impossible to discern the weed from the plant. Weeds like this show up as thinking about past hurts or feelings of unworthiness. Left un-recognized and unchecked, these thoughts can crush an otherwise promising relationship. Start noticing your thoughts and questioning their veracity. You may find some of these “weeds” become easy to remove when you take a good look at them. 

#6 Learn to Survive the Hurricanes and Marauders.

I happen to know the Garden Guys and I know that these beautiful rows of corn were enjoyed only by some pesky raccoons and skunks that had figured their way around #2. Later, the fall planting was undone by warm weather and two deluges. What are you going to do when something similar happens in your love life? Do you swear off ever loving again? Or do you lick your wounds, learn what you can and get back in the garden?

#7 When the Harvest Comes In, Relish It!!

It is a real miracle when a little seed grows into a beautiful plant and even more of a miracle when that plant gives us nourishing food to eat. Appreciate the fruits of your loving relationships. Never take them for granted. Smile. Treasure the gift.

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

It’s Not Chemistry; It’s Physics!!

This month’s article features a Q&A between Dr. Kate and her longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Lacy Frazer.  Enjoy!!

Dr. Kate:  When we were both psychologists working in a federal prison complex I was so impressed by the class you taught called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” It was a life-changing course for the inmates who participated. I especially remember the presentation on “Energy” that you gave to 200 inmates. They were spellbound by what you had to say. You discussed many properties of personal energy that resonated with me. Today, I would like you to talk about these basic properties of energy and how they are relevant to people who are actively dating. Please start by telling us about some of the basic principles of energy.

Dr. Frazer:  I discovered these principles of energy following a powerful personal trauma. While on the quest to heal from that trauma, I discovered the field of quantum physics which studies atomic and subatomic systems that make up energy. I learned that everything is made of energy; we as humans have energy coursing through us at all times and we live in an energetic universe. This energy is both electrical and magnetic. My discovery of quantum physics completely changed the lens through which I view life, walk through life, and interact with everyone and everything. I see the power of each person’s energy field which includes the quality of the energy running through them and the frequency of the energy they generate and emanate. What is so crucial about this is that each person’s energy is magnetic. So we are always attracting into our life people and experiences that are an energetic match to what we are putting out.

Dr. Kate: Is that like “you reap what you sow” or “what you put out you get back”?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! This is the scientific explanation for these commonly used phrases. 

Dr. Kate: So, are you saying that people have the power to attract the mate they truly want?

Dr. Frazer: Yes. But it’s important to understand that the power to attract someone lies in one’s own energetic vibration. Most people are unaware of the quality of the energy they are putting out into the world. Essentially, the energy field we are “vibrating” can be largely negative, positive, or neutral. Whatever the overall quality is, it is also magnetic. This means that we are often unknowingly pulling into our life people and experiences that are a match to our energy output. For instance, if we always feel angry at someone or something, we are likely drawing to us people and experiences that match our anger. Similarly, people who energetically “vibrate” abundance and love, attract more of the same in their life. Does that make sense?

Dr. Kate: Absolutely! So, assuming that most people reading this want to attract the “perfect” mate, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: To put it very simply, thoughts lead to feelings and feelings are E-motions….or energy-in-motion. So, if we have over 60, 000 thoughts a day, and each thought contributes to this “energy-in-motion” AND this energy is magnetic…..then we better be paying attention to our thoughts and how we are feeling -  because it is pulling into our experience energetic matches to our predominant energetic vibration.

Dr. Kate: I see many singles who are fed up with the dating “game” because they have met people who lie about themselves online or are insensitive or callous. Maybe they have had an abusive long-term relationship in the past. The “baggage” from these experiences can really sour the next attempt at dating. Do you have any suggestions for people who have been hurt in relationships or the dating process so they don’t keep having the same experiences?

Dr. Frazer: To really change one’s predominant energetic vibration takes lots of practice. The goal is to get your own energy field clear, clean, and positive. When you do this you will automatically change the people and experiences that come into your life.

Dr. Kate: So, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: Again, this is a question that is not easy to answer in a sentence or two. However, I can say it begins with self awareness.

For example:

•    Learn the power of positive thinking. Practice it!

•    Interact with positive people.

•    Feel grateful and appreciative.

•    Engage in activities you love.

•    Spend time in nature.

In contrast, pay attention to the thoughts that contribute to negative emotional states (i.e., judgment, complaining, self-pity, resentment, competitiveness) and come up with antidotes to those negative thinking patterns.

Dr. Kate: So, getting back to our title, I hear so many singles complaining that they don’t experience any “chemistry” with another person. I’m thinking it may have more to do with “energy” or “physics.” What do you think about that?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! When we talk about chemistry in this situation, we are really talking about energy or physics. More important than visualizing the person you want to have in your life, FEEL the feelings you want to feel when you are with this person. In your daily life, practice feeling the joy, the love, the connection that you desire. The more you feel the feelings (even if just in your own mind and heart), the quicker you will call into your experience the person that matches those feelings!!!

Dr. Kate: Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I am sure many of my clients will find it helpful. I know you mentioned you are a life coach. Do you also coach people regarding relationships?

Dr. Frazer: Yes, I help people through my coaching and consulting practice. It takes some time to gain self-awareness about energy. My clients also learn and practice the necessary skills to shift the quality of the energy they are putting out which helps them heal, change, and live the life they are meant to live!

Dr. Kate: Dr. Frazer has agreed to offer a seminar, “Energy and Relationships” in October 2018. Stay tuned for information so you can attend that seminar. In the meantime, you can reach Dr. Frazer at:

Lacy Frazer Coaching and Consulting, LLC

lacyfrazer@gmail.com

919-448-4268

Let's Celebrate INTERdependence Day!

Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

Don’t you love the festive fireworks and the celebration of all things summer that come with this holiday? It’s inspiring to know that some extremely courageous people almost 250 years ago had the chutzpah to know we can make it on our own and to bid a hard-fought farewell to colonization. Beautiful, exciting, scary independence was won!

Our images of Americana are chock full of independent, scrappy pioneers who performed feats of extreme physical endurance on solitary ventures across the unknown. Our American icons look like the Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man. Stephen Covey in his famous book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, explains that the current social paradigm, “enthrones independence. It is the avowed goal of many individuals and social movements. Most of the self-improvement material puts independence on a pedestal, as though communication, teamwork, and cooperation were lesser values.” Covey posits a “higher” level of human evolution, a higher degree of maturity than independence alone – “Interdependence.” He explains, “If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own.” Only independent people are able to live in an interdependent world. When dependent people get together, they become co-dependent which is very different from interdependence.

Basking in the glory of our own independence, do we reject help from others? Sure, I can wash my own car, but why not do it together? It is a lot more fun. I can accept a ride from a friend or a stranger opening the door for me. It builds relationship. We don’t need to interpret a lover’s outstretched hand as implying we don’t have hands of our own.

On Independence Day we celebrate while we remember that it IS important to come together with others, to play nice in the sandbox, and to recognize our inextricable link to one another. We do accomplish so much more, and our lives are so much richer, when we fully appreciate the value in being and working together.

Remember The Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man? The Lone Ranger would never have made it to a second episode without the exquisite attention, love and caring of his famous friend, Tonto. And we all know what happened to the Marlboro Man. I hope this July 4th is a time when you can fully recognize your own personal independence while you savor the interdependent joy of the company of others.

With a smile and interdependent hugs!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

THE ROYAL WEDDING: A MATCHMAKER'S PERSPECTIVE

Like any matchmaker, I’m enthralled by a good love story. The story of the courtship and the May 19th wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle did not disappoint. By now, you may be completely saturated with news of this historic union, so I’ll only make a couple of points to highlight what I see is working in this relationship.

Number One:  They celebrate the differences. As Ellen Barry wrote in the NYT, “The most extraordinary thing he (Prince Harry) has done is to marry Ms. Markle, an American actress who is three years his senior, biracial, divorced and vocal about her (feminist) views.” In addition, Harry married her despite loads of “family drama.” On her part, Meghan Markle chose a man who is three years younger than she, who speaks with a different accent and has a score of well publicized previous romantic relationships. Harry never had to work and has a very different set of life experiences. Whew! It is amazing they ever got to a first date!

To those who are looking for love; are you open to such differences? Will you date a Democrat? A Republican? A person who is shorter or taller or fatter or skinnier than you? Will you date someone who has some “baggage” (aka “life experience”)? Will you date someone who practices a different religion or whose educational background or income is different than yours? OR do you only date people who meet your aesthetic standard, who think like you do, eat like you do, enjoy all the same things that you do? If so, you not only limit your dating choices, you limit yourself.  When you celebrate the differences, you open yourself up to wholly new life experiences and you enrich yourself, your partner and the world.

Number Two:  Harry and Meghan don’t expect their lives to stay the same after marriage. In an interview, Ms. Markle proudly reported that her television series had over 100 episodes. Clearly, she’s an established actress who had a promising career. Likewise, Prince Harry had been the world’s most eligible bachelor since his big brother married in 2011. With their marriage, those things are going to change. Meghan gave up a promising acting career and left her home country and her family behind. Harry is no longer number one on the eligible bachelors list (perhaps a dubious distinction) and he’ll need to accommodate his life to include his new beautiful bride.

What is the point? If you are looking for a long-term relationship, expect your life to change. As a matchmaker, I’ve heard many people express the desire to find a perfect mate who will come into their life and neatly fit into the established boundaries. This is a fantasy! If you do find a significant other, it is 100% guaranteed that you won’t have the same daily routines, the same traditions, the same friends, the same family. These things will grow and change. Are you open to welcoming new people into your circle? Are you willing to move or change jobs to accommodate your new relationship? Are you open to changing your patterns for the sake of love?

So far, Harry and Meghan seem to be completely smitten and in love, willing to accept their differences, their crazy families and the major life changes that marriage brings. We wish them well in their journey of love!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Are You Ready for Love?

Are You Ready for Love?

5/8/2018

Divorce is a Process

Don’t expect yourself to be ready to start a new relationship within weeks or months of your divorce. It is a process that can takes years. In their book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti identify fully 19 (!) stages in the process of rebuilding after a divorce. They know through their many years of research that it really does take time and conscious effort to be able to form healthy romantic relationships again.

By now, we are all familiar with this handy pain scale. Used to assess physical pain levels, this tool can also be used to gauge emotional pain. The emotional pain of the divorce can take many forms: grief, anger, shame, regret, loneliness and jealousy to name a few. What is your emotional pain number? Be honest with yourself. You should not be dating if the average of your perceived emotional pain number is over a 4. If you are crying or talking incessantly about your Ex on a first date, you are in the wrong place!  It is time to take care of yourself first and to get your emotional ship in shape before attempting to forge new romantic relationships.

What is Your Relationship Story? What is Your Divorce Story?

Can you:

• tell your divorce story without your emotional pain scale skyrocketing to 10?

• remember the good times with your Ex without sinking into a puddle of tears?

• identify anything good that has come out of being in the marriage?

• name anything positive you have learned about yourself or about life because of the divorce?

• see the part you played in the unraveling of your relationship and forgive yourself for that?

• even imagine ever forgiving your former partner?

• imagine a happy life as a single person?

• imagine happiness with a new partner?

When you are in the beginning stages of divorce, these may be lofty goals. Still, it is important to move in the direction of forgiveness and in the direction of new possibilities if you want to get on with your life, whether you choose to stay single or get re-partnered.

Caring For Yourself

Whether you know you are NOT ready for a new relationship or you believe that you are, you will need to take care of yourself. What does that look like for you? It is different for everyone. What do you enjoy doing?  Do more of that! Decrease that which brings you down and create a forcefield of positivity around you so the challenges you are facing don’t wreak emotional havoc. Eat healthfully, exercise and reach out to others! 

Getting Into a New Relationship

In the Rebuilding book, the authors emphasize avoiding rebound romantic relationships. Friends can really help your emotional growth. In contrast, a new romantic relationship – if entered into before doing the work on yourself – can divert you from the path of self-reliance and growth. It may be super tempting because of the fun and excitement of new love, but ultimately you will both end up hurt if you are not ready.

If you are ready to date again, there are TONS of resources out there. You can try online dating resources and apps. You can meet people through Meet-up groups and by venturing out on your own to enjoy a movie, meal or show. You can employ a matchmaker or date coach to help you. These folks are expert at helping you figure out if you are ready to get back into the dating scene and they will help you navigate the tricky waters of dating. 

Don’t go it alone.

If you are in extreme emotional pain and there doesn’t seem to be any let-up, get professional counselling! There is no shame in getting help to get well. The shame would be in wasting any more time feeling terrible. 

There is life after divorce. There is the possibility of loving again. You will survive this difficult time in your life. You are doing yourself a great service by choosing high quality legal services. Let your attorney stand up for you when you need it. Get the help you need to deal with difficult emotions. Work on feeling a little bit better each day and you will see the light!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

You're Not Shopping for a Car

“Back in the day” shopping for a car meant choosing exactly what make and model just like today, but a consumer could also choose the interior and exterior colors as well as what “hi-fi” package. If you were really advanced and a cautious person, you might even choose to include seat belts. Nothing was standard and you could completely customize your car.

After a New Year’s water leak in our home left my family needing to make many repairs, I found shopping for bathroom fixtures equally customizable. How many sinks in your vanity? How tall? How wide? How deep? What color? Center mount faucets? What material? What manufacturer? What style? All my purchases could be sorted through myriad filters until I arrived at the perfect product at the perfect price point.  Whew!

I wonder if we aren’t using the same framework in choosing a mate these days. Dating is no longer a fun discovery of other human beings, but a sifting of potential mates through a series of ever-refined filters until we achieve the perfect constellation of factors that we believe will produce a happy relationship. Online dating sites really thrive on matching along these dimensions and even matchmakers (myself included), spend a lot of time discussing what characteristics our clients are looking for in another. Just like my new bathroom vanity (which is gorgeous, BTW), prospective dates pass through endless filters.

Specific evidence of this filtering process was detailed in a statistic from Bottom Line, based on Match.com research. “iPhone users are 21 times more likely to judge Android-phone owners negatively… while Android owners are 15 times more likely to think poorly of iPhone users.” I mentioned this to one colleague who had recently been in the dating scene and he said that a lot of people are going to need to change their cell phones. Two other friends suggested that there really are differences between people who use Android phones and those that use Apple phones and that this is a legitimate way to narrow down the pool of suitors. I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone!

There are, indeed, many prospective mates in the world and it may seem like narrowing the field is critical to success. Still, it is important to be thoughtful about what criteria we are using to narrow the field. Is a mate’s choice of cell phone really going to matter in a long term relationship? Or is it those factors that cannot easily be quantified that will make all the difference? Factors like, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor about life and about themselves, compassion, adventure? These are just some of the non-tangibles that are the foundation of a great relationship.

So, watch out for “shopper’s mind” and start enjoying the possibilities when you look to get to know another person in a deeper way.

With love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

How to Handle the Holidays as Single, Thoughtful, Caring, Adult Human Beings

In researching the topic of being single during the holidays, I saw a recurring refrain of complaint. Singles are, almost without exception, tired of being asked, “Are you still single?” The advice given in many articles and blogs is to dodge the question or avoid the person who inevitably asks it at family gatherings.

I’d like to offer here some loving alternatives to avoiding Aunt Tillie and Uncle Bruce and their intrusive questions. And I want to offer us all some ways to express love and concern for our relatives – be they single or not.

So how can we communicate with each other to build connection instead of discomfort and alienation?

1. Give the Benefit of the Doubt. Assume your friends and family have a sincere interest in your life, even if they have an insensitive, if not downright rude, way of asking about it. If that is the case, maybe what they really want to know is how you are. Go with that. What if, instead of trying to escape your relatives’ insensitive attempts to learn about your life, you just tell them about it all – work, play, love life, vacation plans or a great book you are reading. You get the idea. Ask them about their lives too. They will be grateful and surprised that you took the time to really listen to them instead of making a bee-line to the appetizers.

2. Share Your Action Plan. You can also answer with the popular, “I’m just waiting on the right one.” The only trouble with this response is that it suggests a level of passivity that may not be true. If you think it is any of their business, you can let interested relatives know that you are actively seeking a great partner. You are working on your self to be a great catch and you are getting help from a date coach and matchmaker who is also on the lookout for a great partner for you. Maybe your relatives have some good ideas or connections to help you along. The possibilities are endless!!

3. Ask Open Ended Questions. This is Communications 101! Don’t ask a question that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Instead of, “Are you still single?”, maybe what you really meant to say was, “Hey Jack, I haven’t seen you since last year and I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. If you have a moment, I love to catch up with you. What’s happening?”

4. Resist the Urge! As a single, thoughtful, caring, adult human being, please resist any urges you may have to counter the, “Are you still single?” with similar insensitive questions like, “Have you thought about cosmetic surgery?” or “When are you and Aunt Agnes going to stop having that same argument?”

5. Embrace Your Single Status! When asked the tired old question, answer with joyful enthusiasm, “Heck Yeah!!”

I was once accused of Aunt Tillie-ism and had a great lesson in life. Seventeen years ago I got married and there were some changes in my friendships. I kept up a pretty good phone relationship with my best friend in DC. In my single days, I had time to run 5 hours up the road for a weekend visit but, with my new married life and then the birth of my son, casual weekend visits were almost impossible. In our phone conversations I would often ask my BFF about her dating life as it had been a big topic of conversation when we were both single. I still remember one call when she got really quiet and serious. With great kindness and inter-personal generosity, she let me know that she experienced my interest in her dating life as an affront to her single status; as if being single was somehow a “problem” that needed a “solution.” At the time of this conversation, I felt ashamed. Was she right? Did I think of her single status as a “problem?” Was there a part of me that enjoyed hearing about all the new and interesting people she was meeting because my own life had so quickly gone domestic? Was she being over-sensitive? Maybe it was all of the above. Since then, I don’t bring up the topic of dating and she and I have found scads of other things to talk about. If she wants to talk about her dating life, she can initiate that conversation. Our friendship withstood the test of time and our differences in marital status. I’m so thankful to my friend for speaking from her heart and setting me straight so our friendship could last all these 34 years!

So, dear friends, my invitation to you this holiday season is to remember that we are all connected by an “invisible thread.” With acknowledgement to The Rev. Dr. Nancy Petty, this thread is our understanding of how inextricably intertwined our lives are. When we understand this, we would always seek to create love, joy, comfort and understanding for and with each other. So buckle up and start relating on a deep level with those you love and those you may one day come to love!

Happy Holidays!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Don't Kill Thanksgiving With Comparison!

In this season we all want to joyfully connect to our loved ones and to be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. Still, it seems that our age-old nemesis, comparing, can get in the way of loving each other fully and of being truly aware of all that is great in our lives.

Comparing is one of the “Five Metastasizing Emotional Cancers,” according to Stephen Covey in The Eighth Habit. (The other four are criticizing, complaining, competing and contending – but that discussion is for another day!) From a very early age, we are fed on the comparison dynamic. I remember a jingle from my childhood: “My dog’s better than your dog. My dog’s better than yours. My dog’s better ‘cause he gets Ken-L-Ration. My dog’s better than yours.”  More recent versions of blatant comparison include the “Who Wore It Best?” comparisons in magazines. Lately, when a public figure is caught doing something immoral or illegal, she/he compares their actions to worse sins by some other public figure. It’s a poor defense as observers think the individual is not only immoral or guilty, but also immature and dishonest.

In everyday life we compare ourselves to others constantly. The problem is not the comparison itself, it is the judgment we make about those differences. For example, it is one thing to notice that I have grey hair and yours is brown. It is another to say, mine is grey and therefore I am somehow less worthy or, conversely, I must be wiser because of all the grey hairs I’ve earned. As for me, I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, so every person I meet is sized up as bigger or smaller than I am. It is an automatic reaction and there remains the small voice gauging my value based on an ideal that never applied to my big Latvian bones and healthy appetite. If we are honest, each one of us feels “less than” about some aspect of ourselves, even if the judge-y voice is quieter than it once was. Some of us got the idea somewhere along the way that we weren’t beautiful or smart or sexy or worthy or wealthy or that our family was too weird or that we were too weird and so on and so forth.

This comparison mode is crippling in relationships. Terrence Real describes the phenomenon in his book, The New Rules of Marriage. Whether you are married or not, the book offers great insights into all relationships. When it comes to comparing, Real talks about a continuum where one end is seeing one’s self as better than others (“Grandiosity”) and the other end is seeing one’s self as inferior to others (“Shame”). It is only in the middle of this continuum where we see each other as equals that we can experience healthy relationships. This midpoint is characterized by meeting each other eye-to-eye where I experience myself as neither better than you nor less than you. Clearly, we all have different skill levels and some of us are better at certain activities than others. The point is that we are not attaching a judgment or value to those differences. The question of who is “better” is off the table because it simply has no value if we are intent on having healthy relationships. In contrast, if we are busy proving our point, putting someone down, or confirming our secret judgments of others at the Thanksgiving gathering, those relationships will stay stuck in the muck.

Comparing is rampant in dating. If we are walking around in a state of “Shame” or “Grandiosity”, we can’t hope to have a great date. Some folks get so nervous before and during a date that the predominant feeling at the end of the date is R-E-L-I-E-F that it is over! Other folks are so sure that no one else can measure up to their high standards that they diminish the person sitting in front of them and never dig in to learn about them. They become completely right in their belief that no one else is good enough for them and, you guessed it, they often stay single and alone. They might also find someone to partner up with who feels "less-than" and have a relationship where neither partner grows or feels that they truly belong.

Another big love-kill is comparing a new person to the "Ex."  Perhaps the prospective partner has the same hair color as the "Ex."  Perhaps they drive the same car as the "Ex." Perhaps they have the same profession. The assumption is that if these external factors are similar, the person is similar. Folks sometimes even refuse a first date because of these false comparisons to an "Ex."  

HELP!!  What can we do about all this comparing? Some suggestions:

• If you find yourself constantly one-upping or putting yourself down, get some help! These are patterns that are often unconscious and not easily broken. It may require the help of a professional. Don't expect your significant other to be your therapist.

• Work on loving yourself! Develop a healthy appreciation of all that is great about you.

• Be the best YOU. There is only one. No one can be a better you. Work on the parts that can improve and, if you must measure against a standard, let it be your own standard. My son started swimming with his high school team last year. He was beaten in a race by more than a few competitors. Still, he got out of the pool beaming because he swam much faster than ever before. Be that guy or gal! Loving life, doing your best and having that be good enough.

• Around the holidays we are often in “trying interpersonal situations.” 😊 If you can't eliminate contact with those who put you down, set clear and appropriate boundaries with them. Surround yourself with others who think you are fabulous.

At this reflective time of the year, I think of the joy of having met all of you these past few years as we’ve watched Authentic Connections grow. I also think of the joy that my friends and family bring to me every day. I am so grateful for all of you!

Have a wonderful, connected, compassionate Thanksgiving!      

Much love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

The Paradox of Choice

This month I want to thank Dr. Sara Rosenquist for directing me to a great Ted Talk, “The Paradox of Choice” by Barry Schwartz. While we humans generally love to have many choices, the paradox is that such a vast array of choices can lead to unhappiness with whatever we ultimately choose. Schwartz says, “Choice has made us not freer, but more paralyzed. Not happier, but more dissatisfied.”

I know for myself, there are SO many choices of things to do! It is mind boggling! I’m often lamenting that I missed out on this music festival or that craft fair or that I haven’t hiked that trail yet or seen the new movie or the holidays are coming and I haven’t started making homemade gifts, or there is a 5K next weekend, or I haven’t talked to my college roommate in months, or what about learning French, and you know I never took a Physics class, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. It can be overwhelming and I used to regret all the things I did not get to do because I was occupied with something else. I’ve gotten better at letting go of those missed opportunities. For example, it occurred to me that I will NEVER win a Heisman trophy or a Nobel Prize or go to Antarctica. I’m now at peace with this realization! BTW, my husband, knowing me as he does, asked if I knew what a Heisman trophy was 😊!!!     

The problem is “opportunity cost” which is the benefit that a person could have received, but gave up, to take another course of action. So, when I choose butter pecan ice cream, I’m not choosing chocolate or strawberry.  When I choose one pair of pants, there is a vast array of others I did not choose and which might have, at least In my mind, produced even greater happiness.

The reader is saying, “So What? Who cares if you choose butter pecan or boot cut jeans?” And, sure enough, most of us don’t lament these little everyday choices.  But what about choosing a career or a mate? Those choices have long-range repercussions, don’t they? Maybe yes, and maybe no.

Another body of research was presented by Dan Gilbert in which he asked the question, “a year after the fact, who is happier, the individual who won the lottery or the person who lost the use of his or her legs?” Of course, we all predict that the lottery winner would be much happier. In fact, on average, the lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy a year later.  Gilbert says we “synthesize” our happiness. Happiness has very little to do with our outward circumstances. I’ve heard this for many years and still find it fascinating!

How does all this research relate to dating and relationships?

• We make our own happiness. Period. We make our own unhappiness too. Trust me, I know.

• We can be happy in multiple different circumstances. There is no Mr. or Ms. Perfect for whom you need to waste your life searching. Your partner doesn’t have to check all your boxes for you to be content with your relationship.

• We need to be “present” in life. Yes, life is full of choices, and we can’t have EVERY experience or date EVERY person on the planet. Nonetheless, we can make choices and participate fully in life. We can stop ruminating about the “road not taken.” Only then can we really learn about ourselves and about others and grow.

For folks who want a “deep dive” into being fully present, I encourage you to read Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It is very thought provoking. I can’t do it justice in writing about it here except to say that it has been profoundly helpful to me in my own life as I strive to be aware, alive and compassionate.  

Until next month!!

Peace, Love and Joy.

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox