“You can be right, or you can be married.” I first heard this quote at a workshop for couples given by Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage. At the time, the workshop participants responded with nervous laughter. It was something we all knew and didn't want to admit; the need to be right can be a love killer.
BFO has many different meanings: Basic Formal Ontology, Beat Frequency Oscillator, Blood Forming Organ, Blinding Flash of the Obvious and Best Friend at the Office. For today’s purpose, BFO stands for Big Fat Opinion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the need to be right about our opinions. We will go to great lengths to discredit information that might poke a hole in our firmly held BFOs. People will go to jail for their opinions. People will sometimes die for their opinions. Sometimes that is justified, even heroic. But in everyday life, do we sometimes cling to opinions that don’t really matter? Do we sometimes push others away who think differently than we do? Are we all losing out on a whole lot of potentially wonderful love by doing so?
As a matchmaker I take it as my responsibility to speak about this phenomenon because it is getting worse and it is making us lonelier and lonelier. (Paradoxically, I’m espousing a BFO right now in writing this, and I hope you won’t fault me too much!) Democrats won’t date Republicans. Republicans won’t date Democrats. People who use I-Phones won’t date people who use Android phones and vice versa. (You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not!) Some people must date red-heads. Some people won’t date red-heads. Our opinions about who is “in” and who is “out” may really limit potential suitors when someone is looking for friendship or love.
BFOs can be used to help us make connections with like-minded people. However, firmly-held, dogmatic BFOs can also shield us from any challenge to our favorite prejudices or any requirement for us to rethink our pet peeves. That shielding freezes us in the past and limits our discovery, our surprise, our learning, and the spontaneous joy, compassion and connection intrinsic to being human. We all want to be loved for who we are at the deepest part of ourselves. Don’t bury that under BFOs about others or about yourself.
My invitation to everyone reading this is to allow yourself to ease up on at least one opinion. It could be as simple as what is the “proper” way to load the dishwasher or whether you love or hate kombucha. It could be as complicated as what you think about politics or religion. Open yourself up to new ideas and new experiences. Don’t shun someone because they think differently than you do. Maybe you could even have an actual back and forth, give and take, CONVERSATION!! If everyone did that, the world would be a much nicer place and you might even find LOVE!
We only experience true love when we look beyond the external and see into someone’s heart and let them see into ours. Try it! Wishing you abundant love!
Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.