Are Your BFOs Scaring Love Away?

“You can be right, or you can be married.” I first heard this quote at a workshop for couples given by Terrence Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage. At the time, the workshop participants responded with nervous laughter. It was something we all knew and didn't want to admit; the need to be right can be a love killer.

BFO has many different meanings:  Basic Formal Ontology, Beat Frequency Oscillator, Blood Forming Organ, Blinding Flash of the Obvious and Best Friend at the Office. For today’s purpose, BFO stands for Big Fat Opinion. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the need to be right about our opinions. We will go to great lengths to discredit information that might poke a hole in our firmly held BFOs. People will go to jail for their opinions. People will sometimes die for their opinions. Sometimes that is justified, even heroic. But in everyday life, do we sometimes cling to opinions that don’t really matter?  Do we sometimes push others away who think differently than we do? Are we all losing out on a whole lot of potentially wonderful love by doing so?

As a matchmaker I take it as my responsibility to speak about this phenomenon because it is getting worse and it is making us lonelier and lonelier.  (Paradoxically, I’m espousing a BFO right now in writing this, and I hope you won’t fault me too much!) Democrats won’t date Republicans. Republicans won’t date Democrats. People who use I-Phones won’t date people who use Android phones and vice versa. (You may think I’m kidding, but I’m not!) Some people must date red-heads. Some people won’t date red-heads. Our opinions about who is “in” and who is “out” may really limit potential suitors when someone is looking for friendship or love.

BFOs can be used to help us make connections with like-minded people. However, firmly-held, dogmatic BFOs can also shield us from any challenge to our favorite prejudices or any requirement for us to rethink our pet peeves. That shielding freezes us in the past and limits our discovery, our surprise, our learning, and the spontaneous joy, compassion and connection intrinsic to being human.  We all want to be loved for who we are at the deepest part of ourselves.  Don’t bury that under BFOs about others or about yourself. 

My invitation to everyone reading this is to allow yourself to ease up on at least one opinion. It could be as simple as what is the “proper” way to load the dishwasher or whether you love or hate kombucha. It could be as complicated as what you think about politics or religion. Open yourself up to new ideas and new experiences. Don’t shun someone because they think differently than you do. Maybe you could even have an actual back and forth, give and take, CONVERSATION!! If everyone did that, the world would be a much nicer place and you might even find LOVE!

We only experience true love when we look beyond the external and see into someone’s heart and let them see into ours. Try it!  Wishing you abundant love!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

The Many Faces of Love

As a matchmaker I suppose I should be getting all misty-eyed since it is February and Valentine’s Day is approaching. As a person who spent a large portion of my adult years unattached, I grew to have a slight aversion to Valentine’s Day. During those single years, where were my two dozen roses? Where was the diamond studded locket? Being married now for 18 years, Valentine’s Day is still no big deal in our house. I don’t much like roses and I’m likely to see a locket as an extravagant expense. I do have the holiday tradition of making a heart-shaped meatloaf and I never forget a card for my hubby and son. We are not “over the top,” but we do try to celebrate.

Even if Valentine’s Day is over-hyped and over-commercialized, we can still use February as a great time to reflect on love. In my life and work I see many manifestations of love from my friends, family and clients. Let me share some I’ve seen this year. Maybe it can give you some creative ideas of your own to put love into practice this month!

·       Taking care of a disabled sister.

·       Sitting by a hospitalized friend’s bedside

·       Making supper for someone

·       Throwing a party

·       Saying you’re sorry

·       Truly forgiving someone

·       Saying thank you

·       Hugging

·       Giving a foot rub

·       Sending a card

·       Sharing your joy for life with everyone you meet

·       Giving gifts

·       Telling the truth, even when it is hard

·       Smiling

·       Dressing up

·       Trying something new with a friend….like bungee jumping!

·       Giving genuine compliments

·       Asking if they need anything when you go to the grocery store

·       Telling your friends and loved ones about the difference they make in your life

·       Going to a museum to see their favorite artist

·       Going to see their favorite band

·       Calling them just to let them know you are thinking of them

·       Playing their favorite board game

·       Etc., etc.!!

Happy February! Happy Making Love Happen Every Day!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

What The Garden Guys Can Teach Us About Love

Gardening has a lot in common with finding, growing and keeping love. Let’s look at some principles from the garden and see how they apply to loving relationships.

#1  Prepare Your Soil Before You Plant. 

Just like plants don’t grow in soil that is undernourished or too hard, love doesn’t grow in a hard and starved heart. Do what you can to nurture yourself so that you can be softer when you are with family and friends.  It will make a difference when you are out in the dating world.

#2  Protect Your Garden From Pests.

What are the pests that hamper your love life? Are friends and co-workers a source of scrutiny and negativity? Are family members interfering in your relationship? Every relationship has to find ways to put a protective, semi-permeable barrier around itself. If you are dating, you need to surround yourself with people who believe in love and inspire you while blocking out the noise of those who lead you to fear and self-doubt.

#3  Don’t Pull Up the Plants to See How the Roots Are Doing.

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, it is tempting to check in to see how things are going. Don’t do this too early. You put the other person “on the spot” when you say seemingly innocuous things like, “where do you see this relationship going?” after only two or three dates. Relax. Chill out. Take your time and get to know the other person before trying to define things.

#4 Plants Need Water, Sunlight and Nutrition to Survive.

And in just the right amounts. Don’t drown another person with gifts, texts, invitations and accolades. Keep it steady, but not overwhelming. Likewise, don’t be too stingy with the good stuff. Relationships thrive on the right amounts of attention and affection and everyone is different in what makes them feel loved and cared for. Pay attention to the fruits of your relationship to see if you have the right combination.

#5 For Plants to Grow, You’ve Got to Keep the Weeds Under Control.

Sometimes the “weeds” in relationships are close by and choking the life out of it. These weeds can be so entangled that it is almost impossible to discern the weed from the plant. Weeds like this show up as thinking about past hurts or feelings of unworthiness. Left un-recognized and unchecked, these thoughts can crush an otherwise promising relationship. Start noticing your thoughts and questioning their veracity. You may find some of these “weeds” become easy to remove when you take a good look at them. 

#6 Learn to Survive the Hurricanes and Marauders.

I happen to know the Garden Guys and I know that these beautiful rows of corn were enjoyed only by some pesky raccoons and skunks that had figured their way around #2. Later, the fall planting was undone by warm weather and two deluges. What are you going to do when something similar happens in your love life? Do you swear off ever loving again? Or do you lick your wounds, learn what you can and get back in the garden?

#7 When the Harvest Comes In, Relish It!!

It is a real miracle when a little seed grows into a beautiful plant and even more of a miracle when that plant gives us nourishing food to eat. Appreciate the fruits of your loving relationships. Never take them for granted. Smile. Treasure the gift.

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

Love and Money

This month’s article focuses on the commonalities in human behavior when it comes to love and money. My dear friend told me about a class he took based on the workbook, How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything. The fact that he never cracked the book during the course was a powerful and funny lesson for him. Perhaps our behaviors around love and money follow the same anything/everything pattern.

Three of my favorite Financial Planners, Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors, Debbie Ash of  Ashbridge Financial Solutions and Martin Noble of Edward Jones have agreed to weigh in on this article, just to make sure we are keeping it between the lines. Together, let’s address some common aspects in love and money.

Do Your Homework

Charles had a lot to say on this topic, not just from a financial advisor point of view, but also as a matchmaker (Go Charles!!) He asks his single friends to address the following questions when looking for a mate.

·      Has your intended been married before? What was the learning from that relationship?

    How does your intended treat his/her parents and strangers?

    How does your intended act when s/he doesn’t get what s/he wants?

In today’s world you can do your homework by checking out a new love interest on line. How does this person show up on social media? Do they have a history of trouble with the law? It is all pretty accessible through the wonders of modern technology.

Your financial homework is to go to a third party source to corroborate your investment plan. Get others’ perspectives before forging ahead financially.

Don’t Judge a Book By Its’ Cover

Financial investments as well as love can sometimes be swayed by what is glitzy or pretty. Martin noted, “It may be tempting to buy a popular investment, however it may not fit with the rest of your portfolio, and it may be risker that you expect.  When considering an investment, it is important to evaluate how it fits with your overall goals, comfort level with risk and your diversification.  Buying into an investment that is popular or hyped may actually distance you from reaching your financial goals.” 

In love, don’t be swayed by glitzy glamor photos that reflect only the exterior of a person on an extraordinary day. Look deeper to understand the character of an individual. 

Staying the Course

Charles, Debbie and Martin agree that when you have a good financial plan, you sometimes need to “stay the course” through ups and downs, knowing that the plan is sound. Charles says, “invest in a strategy that has a high probability of you reaching your goals.” It doesn’t mean you don’t “tweak” your portfolio from time to time, but you don’t change your entire investment strategy because of temporary circumstances. Martin adds, “it is important to hold a long-term perspective when investing.  This will help you weather storms and allow you to focus on what you can control – holding a diversified portfolio of quality investments designed for your specific goals, time horizon and comfort level with risk.  Frequent reviews of your portfolio and strategy help you stay on track through proactive adjustments when necessary.”

Similarly, successful long-term relationships didn’t get to be long without wading through significant ups and downs. Expect that any long-term relationship is going to have its highs and lows and sometimes you need to “stay the course” if you’ve committed to another person. If you are on solid ground, keep working at it, tweak what you can and have faith.

Understand There are No Guarantees

In finances and in love, there are no guarantees. Being married doesn’t guarantee you will never experience loneliness. Having an investment plan doesn’t mean the market won’t tank. Protect yourself with diversification. Even though you are in a long-term committed relationship with another, do you have great relationships with friends, family and yourself so you can survive should you lose your significant other to death or divorce?

Martin reminds us, “In financial planning, it is important to manage risk.  A diversified portfolio is a key component to help you ride the ups and downs of the market.  An investment that underperforms inside a diversified portfolio becomes a disappointment rather than a disaster.  Also, make sure you have the right protection in place to help you and your loved ones should unexpected death or disability occur.”

Bad Investments

In love and in money how often do we “throw good money after bad?” Do we sometimes fail to own up to bad financial choices we’ve made? Do we keep at a love “investment” even after realizing it was a poor choice?  Do feelings of shame prevent us from owning up to our poor choices so that we can make changes? It’s important to be honest with ourselves and others both in our financial and our love lives and to take the necessary steps to make things right.

Seek Professional Advice

Debbie, Charles and Martin agree that we shouldn’t make big investments without a trusted financial planner. Debbie says that retirement is our biggest financial goal and it should never be taken lightly.  She feels it important to work with a financial planner who understands your unique situation and can coach you to your goals. 

Similarly, in our love relationships it pays to get expert advice from a matchmaker, date coach or therapist. Why go it alone? In the world of love, you can get help in all the following areas: finding someone special, recognizing a destructive relationship, maintaining a relationship through the inevitable ups and downs and surviving the loss of a relationship.

You Cannot Win If You Do Not Play

In all aspects of life, you can’t sit in your home all alone with your head buried in the sand and expect to grow your relationships or your money. It takes action on your part. Don’t be an ostrich!

Thank you to

Charles Calloway of Primerica Advisors (Primerica.com/charlescalloway),

Debbie Ash of Ashbridge Financial Solutions (www.ashbridgefs.com) and

Martin Noble of Edward Jones (www.edwardjones.com/martin-noble) for their thoughts on this topic. If you are looking for a financial advisor, you won’t go wrong with any of these fine people!   

Wishing you abundance in all aspects of life!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

It’s Not Chemistry; It’s Physics!!

This month’s article features a Q&A between Dr. Kate and her longtime friend and colleague, Dr. Lacy Frazer.  Enjoy!!

Dr. Kate:  When we were both psychologists working in a federal prison complex I was so impressed by the class you taught called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” It was a life-changing course for the inmates who participated. I especially remember the presentation on “Energy” that you gave to 200 inmates. They were spellbound by what you had to say. You discussed many properties of personal energy that resonated with me. Today, I would like you to talk about these basic properties of energy and how they are relevant to people who are actively dating. Please start by telling us about some of the basic principles of energy.

Dr. Frazer:  I discovered these principles of energy following a powerful personal trauma. While on the quest to heal from that trauma, I discovered the field of quantum physics which studies atomic and subatomic systems that make up energy. I learned that everything is made of energy; we as humans have energy coursing through us at all times and we live in an energetic universe. This energy is both electrical and magnetic. My discovery of quantum physics completely changed the lens through which I view life, walk through life, and interact with everyone and everything. I see the power of each person’s energy field which includes the quality of the energy running through them and the frequency of the energy they generate and emanate. What is so crucial about this is that each person’s energy is magnetic. So we are always attracting into our life people and experiences that are an energetic match to what we are putting out.

Dr. Kate: Is that like “you reap what you sow” or “what you put out you get back”?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! This is the scientific explanation for these commonly used phrases. 

Dr. Kate: So, are you saying that people have the power to attract the mate they truly want?

Dr. Frazer: Yes. But it’s important to understand that the power to attract someone lies in one’s own energetic vibration. Most people are unaware of the quality of the energy they are putting out into the world. Essentially, the energy field we are “vibrating” can be largely negative, positive, or neutral. Whatever the overall quality is, it is also magnetic. This means that we are often unknowingly pulling into our life people and experiences that are a match to our energy output. For instance, if we always feel angry at someone or something, we are likely drawing to us people and experiences that match our anger. Similarly, people who energetically “vibrate” abundance and love, attract more of the same in their life. Does that make sense?

Dr. Kate: Absolutely! So, assuming that most people reading this want to attract the “perfect” mate, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: To put it very simply, thoughts lead to feelings and feelings are E-motions….or energy-in-motion. So, if we have over 60, 000 thoughts a day, and each thought contributes to this “energy-in-motion” AND this energy is magnetic…..then we better be paying attention to our thoughts and how we are feeling -  because it is pulling into our experience energetic matches to our predominant energetic vibration.

Dr. Kate: I see many singles who are fed up with the dating “game” because they have met people who lie about themselves online or are insensitive or callous. Maybe they have had an abusive long-term relationship in the past. The “baggage” from these experiences can really sour the next attempt at dating. Do you have any suggestions for people who have been hurt in relationships or the dating process so they don’t keep having the same experiences?

Dr. Frazer: To really change one’s predominant energetic vibration takes lots of practice. The goal is to get your own energy field clear, clean, and positive. When you do this you will automatically change the people and experiences that come into your life.

Dr. Kate: So, how does one do that?

Dr. Frazer: Again, this is a question that is not easy to answer in a sentence or two. However, I can say it begins with self awareness.

For example:

•    Learn the power of positive thinking. Practice it!

•    Interact with positive people.

•    Feel grateful and appreciative.

•    Engage in activities you love.

•    Spend time in nature.

In contrast, pay attention to the thoughts that contribute to negative emotional states (i.e., judgment, complaining, self-pity, resentment, competitiveness) and come up with antidotes to those negative thinking patterns.

Dr. Kate: So, getting back to our title, I hear so many singles complaining that they don’t experience any “chemistry” with another person. I’m thinking it may have more to do with “energy” or “physics.” What do you think about that?

Dr. Frazer: Yes! When we talk about chemistry in this situation, we are really talking about energy or physics. More important than visualizing the person you want to have in your life, FEEL the feelings you want to feel when you are with this person. In your daily life, practice feeling the joy, the love, the connection that you desire. The more you feel the feelings (even if just in your own mind and heart), the quicker you will call into your experience the person that matches those feelings!!!

Dr. Kate: Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I am sure many of my clients will find it helpful. I know you mentioned you are a life coach. Do you also coach people regarding relationships?

Dr. Frazer: Yes, I help people through my coaching and consulting practice. It takes some time to gain self-awareness about energy. My clients also learn and practice the necessary skills to shift the quality of the energy they are putting out which helps them heal, change, and live the life they are meant to live!

Dr. Kate: Dr. Frazer has agreed to offer a seminar, “Energy and Relationships” in October 2018. Stay tuned for information so you can attend that seminar. In the meantime, you can reach Dr. Frazer at:

Lacy Frazer Coaching and Consulting, LLC

lacyfrazer@gmail.com

919-448-4268

Let's Celebrate INTERdependence Day!

Happy Fourth of July Everyone!!

Don’t you love the festive fireworks and the celebration of all things summer that come with this holiday? It’s inspiring to know that some extremely courageous people almost 250 years ago had the chutzpah to know we can make it on our own and to bid a hard-fought farewell to colonization. Beautiful, exciting, scary independence was won!

Our images of Americana are chock full of independent, scrappy pioneers who performed feats of extreme physical endurance on solitary ventures across the unknown. Our American icons look like the Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man. Stephen Covey in his famous book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, explains that the current social paradigm, “enthrones independence. It is the avowed goal of many individuals and social movements. Most of the self-improvement material puts independence on a pedestal, as though communication, teamwork, and cooperation were lesser values.” Covey posits a “higher” level of human evolution, a higher degree of maturity than independence alone – “Interdependence.” He explains, “If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving and for receiving love from others. If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own.” Only independent people are able to live in an interdependent world. When dependent people get together, they become co-dependent which is very different from interdependence.

Basking in the glory of our own independence, do we reject help from others? Sure, I can wash my own car, but why not do it together? It is a lot more fun. I can accept a ride from a friend or a stranger opening the door for me. It builds relationship. We don’t need to interpret a lover’s outstretched hand as implying we don’t have hands of our own.

On Independence Day we celebrate while we remember that it IS important to come together with others, to play nice in the sandbox, and to recognize our inextricable link to one another. We do accomplish so much more, and our lives are so much richer, when we fully appreciate the value in being and working together.

Remember The Lone Ranger and the Marlboro Man? The Lone Ranger would never have made it to a second episode without the exquisite attention, love and caring of his famous friend, Tonto. And we all know what happened to the Marlboro Man. I hope this July 4th is a time when you can fully recognize your own personal independence while you savor the interdependent joy of the company of others.

With a smile and interdependent hugs!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

THE ROYAL WEDDING: A MATCHMAKER'S PERSPECTIVE

Like any matchmaker, I’m enthralled by a good love story. The story of the courtship and the May 19th wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle did not disappoint. By now, you may be completely saturated with news of this historic union, so I’ll only make a couple of points to highlight what I see is working in this relationship.

Number One:  They celebrate the differences. As Ellen Barry wrote in the NYT, “The most extraordinary thing he (Prince Harry) has done is to marry Ms. Markle, an American actress who is three years his senior, biracial, divorced and vocal about her (feminist) views.” In addition, Harry married her despite loads of “family drama.” On her part, Meghan Markle chose a man who is three years younger than she, who speaks with a different accent and has a score of well publicized previous romantic relationships. Harry never had to work and has a very different set of life experiences. Whew! It is amazing they ever got to a first date!

To those who are looking for love; are you open to such differences? Will you date a Democrat? A Republican? A person who is shorter or taller or fatter or skinnier than you? Will you date someone who has some “baggage” (aka “life experience”)? Will you date someone who practices a different religion or whose educational background or income is different than yours? OR do you only date people who meet your aesthetic standard, who think like you do, eat like you do, enjoy all the same things that you do? If so, you not only limit your dating choices, you limit yourself.  When you celebrate the differences, you open yourself up to wholly new life experiences and you enrich yourself, your partner and the world.

Number Two:  Harry and Meghan don’t expect their lives to stay the same after marriage. In an interview, Ms. Markle proudly reported that her television series had over 100 episodes. Clearly, she’s an established actress who had a promising career. Likewise, Prince Harry had been the world’s most eligible bachelor since his big brother married in 2011. With their marriage, those things are going to change. Meghan gave up a promising acting career and left her home country and her family behind. Harry is no longer number one on the eligible bachelors list (perhaps a dubious distinction) and he’ll need to accommodate his life to include his new beautiful bride.

What is the point? If you are looking for a long-term relationship, expect your life to change. As a matchmaker, I’ve heard many people express the desire to find a perfect mate who will come into their life and neatly fit into the established boundaries. This is a fantasy! If you do find a significant other, it is 100% guaranteed that you won’t have the same daily routines, the same traditions, the same friends, the same family. These things will grow and change. Are you open to welcoming new people into your circle? Are you willing to move or change jobs to accommodate your new relationship? Are you open to changing your patterns for the sake of love?

So far, Harry and Meghan seem to be completely smitten and in love, willing to accept their differences, their crazy families and the major life changes that marriage brings. We wish them well in their journey of love!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Are You Ready for Love?

Are You Ready for Love?

5/8/2018

Divorce is a Process

Don’t expect yourself to be ready to start a new relationship within weeks or months of your divorce. It is a process that can takes years. In their book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti identify fully 19 (!) stages in the process of rebuilding after a divorce. They know through their many years of research that it really does take time and conscious effort to be able to form healthy romantic relationships again.

By now, we are all familiar with this handy pain scale. Used to assess physical pain levels, this tool can also be used to gauge emotional pain. The emotional pain of the divorce can take many forms: grief, anger, shame, regret, loneliness and jealousy to name a few. What is your emotional pain number? Be honest with yourself. You should not be dating if the average of your perceived emotional pain number is over a 4. If you are crying or talking incessantly about your Ex on a first date, you are in the wrong place!  It is time to take care of yourself first and to get your emotional ship in shape before attempting to forge new romantic relationships.

What is Your Relationship Story? What is Your Divorce Story?

Can you:

• tell your divorce story without your emotional pain scale skyrocketing to 10?

• remember the good times with your Ex without sinking into a puddle of tears?

• identify anything good that has come out of being in the marriage?

• name anything positive you have learned about yourself or about life because of the divorce?

• see the part you played in the unraveling of your relationship and forgive yourself for that?

• even imagine ever forgiving your former partner?

• imagine a happy life as a single person?

• imagine happiness with a new partner?

When you are in the beginning stages of divorce, these may be lofty goals. Still, it is important to move in the direction of forgiveness and in the direction of new possibilities if you want to get on with your life, whether you choose to stay single or get re-partnered.

Caring For Yourself

Whether you know you are NOT ready for a new relationship or you believe that you are, you will need to take care of yourself. What does that look like for you? It is different for everyone. What do you enjoy doing?  Do more of that! Decrease that which brings you down and create a forcefield of positivity around you so the challenges you are facing don’t wreak emotional havoc. Eat healthfully, exercise and reach out to others! 

Getting Into a New Relationship

In the Rebuilding book, the authors emphasize avoiding rebound romantic relationships. Friends can really help your emotional growth. In contrast, a new romantic relationship – if entered into before doing the work on yourself – can divert you from the path of self-reliance and growth. It may be super tempting because of the fun and excitement of new love, but ultimately you will both end up hurt if you are not ready.

If you are ready to date again, there are TONS of resources out there. You can try online dating resources and apps. You can meet people through Meet-up groups and by venturing out on your own to enjoy a movie, meal or show. You can employ a matchmaker or date coach to help you. These folks are expert at helping you figure out if you are ready to get back into the dating scene and they will help you navigate the tricky waters of dating. 

Don’t go it alone.

If you are in extreme emotional pain and there doesn’t seem to be any let-up, get professional counselling! There is no shame in getting help to get well. The shame would be in wasting any more time feeling terrible. 

There is life after divorce. There is the possibility of loving again. You will survive this difficult time in your life. You are doing yourself a great service by choosing high quality legal services. Let your attorney stand up for you when you need it. Get the help you need to deal with difficult emotions. Work on feeling a little bit better each day and you will see the light!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Love Songs

This month our own Stacey Hardy, Outreach Kahuna and Matchmaking Apprentice, shares her thoughts on rock and roll and relationships. Have fun reading!

 Everybody loves a good love song, right? Like those songs that seems to perfectly express every relatable emotion of the heart. You know... those songs that make us swoon and yearn and set up our fledgling framework for the kind of relationship we all aspire to. Yet, if you really think about it, there is often an underbelly to those catchy little tunes. Those heartbreaking ballads and tales of desperate desires can set us up for unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. Virtually every genre of music is littered with good examples of bad relationships. Let’s turn the radio on and see what we can find.

 Back in 1970, Eric Clapton wrote the song, Layla, as he pined for Pattie Boyd, George Harrison’s wife. The song was inspired by a 12th century Persian poem about a desperate, unreciprocated love. Boyd might have faired better had she not mistaken unhealthy obsession for romantic desire.

“ Let’s make the best of the situation

Before I finally go insane.

Please don’t say we’ll never find a way

And tell me all my love’s in vain.

Layla, you’ve got me on my knees.

Layla, I’m begging, darling please

Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind.”

Their eventual marriage was fraught with unhappiness, infidelity and addiction, which is often the case when built on a base of dysfunction. They later divorced.

The best-selling single in 1983 in the U.S. was the Police’s, Every Breath You Take. The song won numerous Grammys and MTV awards. Yet, if you listen to the lyrics, the song is about control and stalking...hardly a love song.

“Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every bond you break

Every step you take

I’ll be watching you”

Perhaps the darkness reflected here was due to Sting’s pending divorce. Scratch this one from the wedding playlists!

Rihanna’s relationships have certainly been tabloid fodder over the years, and who can be surprised with lyrics like:

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie”.

A relationship whose foundation is built on mistrust and abuse, isn’t just unhealthy, it’s downright dangerous. There’s nothing sexy or romantic about an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.

 Joan Jett has maintained her tough chick status in rock n’ roll for 4 decades, but even she’s not above falling for the wrong person:

“I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can’t break free from the things that you do

I want to walk but I run back to you

I hate myself for loving you.”

Yet another relationship about desperation and obsession. If you’re not being valued or respected in a relationship, its time to hit the road. Let’s hope Joan jumped on her motorcycle and left this relationship in the dust.

What does a happy, healthy relationship sound like in a song? Look no further than this little ditty written by George Harrison, for his then wife, Pattie Boyd. That’s right Pattie had not one, but two famous love songs written for her! Something was hailed as one of the greatest love songs of the era by Ole Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra...

“Somewhere in her smile she knows

That I don’t need no other lover

Something in her style that shows me

I don’t want to leave her now

You know I believe and how”

Boyd would have been better served to have headed these lyrics, instead of being swayed by Clapton’s desperate pleas thru verse.

Unfortunately, many unhealthy lyrics have woven their way through our pop culture psyche. Though these songs may be catchy, they are also cautionary tales. Love should never inspire suffering. Here’s to embracing both the songs and relationships that inspire our best and healthiest selves, and healthy, lasting love. And remember, if your new love presents you with a playlist of desperate love songs, you can always follow the advice of Paul Simon:

“There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover.

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan.

Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me.

Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much.

Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”

Signing off with fondness and affection on that musical note,

-Stacey

You're Not Shopping for a Car

“Back in the day” shopping for a car meant choosing exactly what make and model just like today, but a consumer could also choose the interior and exterior colors as well as what “hi-fi” package. If you were really advanced and a cautious person, you might even choose to include seat belts. Nothing was standard and you could completely customize your car.

After a New Year’s water leak in our home left my family needing to make many repairs, I found shopping for bathroom fixtures equally customizable. How many sinks in your vanity? How tall? How wide? How deep? What color? Center mount faucets? What material? What manufacturer? What style? All my purchases could be sorted through myriad filters until I arrived at the perfect product at the perfect price point.  Whew!

I wonder if we aren’t using the same framework in choosing a mate these days. Dating is no longer a fun discovery of other human beings, but a sifting of potential mates through a series of ever-refined filters until we achieve the perfect constellation of factors that we believe will produce a happy relationship. Online dating sites really thrive on matching along these dimensions and even matchmakers (myself included), spend a lot of time discussing what characteristics our clients are looking for in another. Just like my new bathroom vanity (which is gorgeous, BTW), prospective dates pass through endless filters.

Specific evidence of this filtering process was detailed in a statistic from Bottom Line, based on Match.com research. “iPhone users are 21 times more likely to judge Android-phone owners negatively… while Android owners are 15 times more likely to think poorly of iPhone users.” I mentioned this to one colleague who had recently been in the dating scene and he said that a lot of people are going to need to change their cell phones. Two other friends suggested that there really are differences between people who use Android phones and those that use Apple phones and that this is a legitimate way to narrow down the pool of suitors. I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone!

There are, indeed, many prospective mates in the world and it may seem like narrowing the field is critical to success. Still, it is important to be thoughtful about what criteria we are using to narrow the field. Is a mate’s choice of cell phone really going to matter in a long term relationship? Or is it those factors that cannot easily be quantified that will make all the difference? Factors like, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor about life and about themselves, compassion, adventure? These are just some of the non-tangibles that are the foundation of a great relationship.

So, watch out for “shopper’s mind” and start enjoying the possibilities when you look to get to know another person in a deeper way.

With love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

The Paradox of Choice

This month I want to thank Dr. Sara Rosenquist for directing me to a great Ted Talk, “The Paradox of Choice” by Barry Schwartz. While we humans generally love to have many choices, the paradox is that such a vast array of choices can lead to unhappiness with whatever we ultimately choose. Schwartz says, “Choice has made us not freer, but more paralyzed. Not happier, but more dissatisfied.”

I know for myself, there are SO many choices of things to do! It is mind boggling! I’m often lamenting that I missed out on this music festival or that craft fair or that I haven’t hiked that trail yet or seen the new movie or the holidays are coming and I haven’t started making homemade gifts, or there is a 5K next weekend, or I haven’t talked to my college roommate in months, or what about learning French, and you know I never took a Physics class, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. It can be overwhelming and I used to regret all the things I did not get to do because I was occupied with something else. I’ve gotten better at letting go of those missed opportunities. For example, it occurred to me that I will NEVER win a Heisman trophy or a Nobel Prize or go to Antarctica. I’m now at peace with this realization! BTW, my husband, knowing me as he does, asked if I knew what a Heisman trophy was 😊!!!     

The problem is “opportunity cost” which is the benefit that a person could have received, but gave up, to take another course of action. So, when I choose butter pecan ice cream, I’m not choosing chocolate or strawberry.  When I choose one pair of pants, there is a vast array of others I did not choose and which might have, at least In my mind, produced even greater happiness.

The reader is saying, “So What? Who cares if you choose butter pecan or boot cut jeans?” And, sure enough, most of us don’t lament these little everyday choices.  But what about choosing a career or a mate? Those choices have long-range repercussions, don’t they? Maybe yes, and maybe no.

Another body of research was presented by Dan Gilbert in which he asked the question, “a year after the fact, who is happier, the individual who won the lottery or the person who lost the use of his or her legs?” Of course, we all predict that the lottery winner would be much happier. In fact, on average, the lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy a year later.  Gilbert says we “synthesize” our happiness. Happiness has very little to do with our outward circumstances. I’ve heard this for many years and still find it fascinating!

How does all this research relate to dating and relationships?

• We make our own happiness. Period. We make our own unhappiness too. Trust me, I know.

• We can be happy in multiple different circumstances. There is no Mr. or Ms. Perfect for whom you need to waste your life searching. Your partner doesn’t have to check all your boxes for you to be content with your relationship.

• We need to be “present” in life. Yes, life is full of choices, and we can’t have EVERY experience or date EVERY person on the planet. Nonetheless, we can make choices and participate fully in life. We can stop ruminating about the “road not taken.” Only then can we really learn about ourselves and about others and grow.

For folks who want a “deep dive” into being fully present, I encourage you to read Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It is very thought provoking. I can’t do it justice in writing about it here except to say that it has been profoundly helpful to me in my own life as I strive to be aware, alive and compassionate.  

Until next month!!

Peace, Love and Joy.

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Are You Having a Total Eclipse of the Heart?

I know I promised to write about “The Paradox of Choice” this month, but I couldn’t

resist the timeliness of the recent total solar eclipse and a lesson that may relate to my

life and yours.

My eclipse experience started on Sunday, August 20th when I rose early to catch a ride

with family to Hendersonville, NC. We scoped out potential viewing sites and chose

Gorges State Park, which is located in the “Zone of Totality.” We were instructed to

arrive around 5am the next day so that we would be assured of a place to park. So, the

day of the eclipse started at 2:45am with arrival at Gorges at 4:45am. We did our best to

pick a good spot in the dark and then hunkered down to start the big wait for the big

Event.

Gorges State Park did an absolutely AWESOME job managing the steady flow of

people. The cars arrived for a solid five hours before reaching maximum capacity. It was

amazing how the rangers answered everyone’s questions with freshness and joy as if

they hadn’t heard that very same question a thousand times already that day.

The crowd was also in a joyful mood. People chose Gorges State Park to view the

eclipse having researched extensively and travelling from all over the eastern states.

There were huge telescopes with fancy filters and cameras on tripods placed

everywhere the eye could see. There was music and laughter and sharing.

Around 1pm the eclipse began. Everyone in sight donned their special eclipse viewing

glasses or gazed through their specially equipped cameras and binoculars or brought

out their crafty viewing boxes. We got to see the classic crescent shape of the sun as

the moon passed in front of it.

And then….. and then……and then…... ? A huge rain cloud passed in front of the

sun/moon! It totally obscured what everyone there had come many miles and many

hours to see. To add insult to injury, the cloud dumped a hefty dose of rain on us – the

patient questors of celestial grandeur. What the %^&*%!!

At the time of “totality” there was no hope of that cloud moving out of the way. There

would be no witnessing the sun’s corona, the coronal streamers, the coronal loops and

prominence. (I got these out of National Geographic, so don’t quiz me!) We got plenty

of soggy “umbra,” but no brilliance.

Then a strange thing happened. At 2:36, the predicted time of complete eclipse, the

crowd began to cheer loudly. It echoed through the trees. It was the sound of complete

joy. It was the Who-s down in Whoville singing even after the Grinch attempted to steal

Christmas. It was people turning disappointment on its head and rejoicing at the wonder

of these forces of nature -whether we could see them or not.

I wonder about myself and about you, too. Am I living my life rejoicing even when a

cloud gets in the way of my well-laid plans? Or am I kicking myself for spending time

and money on something so chancy? Are we enjoying the heck out of this journey of

life? Or are we constantly moaning and groaning, complaining that life hasn’t turned out

how we’d like? Do we go to singles gatherings, Meet-ups and networking events happy

about the people we are with or are we being judgmental and critical saying that there is

“no one interesting here.”

Maybe we do a little bit of both. Rejoicing and complaining. Trusting and shrinking in

fear. Loving and disconnecting. What is so incredible is that we can 100% choose how

we respond. It may not be our natural “go to” to trust, to open our hearts, to be the one

reaching out to another person, but we can try and stumble and learn and grow and try

some more. Every one of us can.

Let this be the day/month/year where your heart doesn’t eclipse like the 1983 lyrics of

the Bonnie Tyler song. Instead let your heart celebrate life’s moments, much like the

whooping and hollering of pure joy when something magnificent is happening. That

magnificent happening is you!

Fondly!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets

In midnights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles

In laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year in the life

How about love?

How about love?

How about love?

Measure in love

Seasons of love

Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Journeys to plan

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure the life

Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned

Or in times that he cried

In bridges he burned

Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out

Tho' the story never ends

Let's celebrate

Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love

Remember the love

Remember the love

Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love

Seasons of love

Written by Jonathan D. Larson • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group

I thank Mark C. for reminding me of the words to this great song from the musical, Rent. So, how do these "seasons" play out in our lives? Am I stressed and rushing and too in my own head to be kind, to offer a smile, to take the time to understand another? Or am I savoring the full moon, the green of early summer, the beauty of old friends and the joy of making new friends. It is easy to feel disconnected but - dare I say - equally easy to connect. Reach out!  Everybody wants to be seen and appreciated by another. Authentic Connections is all about Love - in all its forms. So, whether you are blissfully wrapped up in an idyllic romantic relationship or you are helping your neighbor fix a bike, that is love. Savor it! Share it!

With a tight hug!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox