The Many Faces of Love

As a matchmaker I suppose I should be getting all misty-eyed since it is February and Valentine’s Day is approaching. As a person who spent a large portion of my adult years unattached, I grew to have a slight aversion to Valentine’s Day. During those single years, where were my two dozen roses? Where was the diamond studded locket? Being married now for 18 years, Valentine’s Day is still no big deal in our house. I don’t much like roses and I’m likely to see a locket as an extravagant expense. I do have the holiday tradition of making a heart-shaped meatloaf and I never forget a card for my hubby and son. We are not “over the top,” but we do try to celebrate.

Even if Valentine’s Day is over-hyped and over-commercialized, we can still use February as a great time to reflect on love. In my life and work I see many manifestations of love from my friends, family and clients. Let me share some I’ve seen this year. Maybe it can give you some creative ideas of your own to put love into practice this month!

·       Taking care of a disabled sister.

·       Sitting by a hospitalized friend’s bedside

·       Making supper for someone

·       Throwing a party

·       Saying you’re sorry

·       Truly forgiving someone

·       Saying thank you

·       Hugging

·       Giving a foot rub

·       Sending a card

·       Sharing your joy for life with everyone you meet

·       Giving gifts

·       Telling the truth, even when it is hard

·       Smiling

·       Dressing up

·       Trying something new with a friend….like bungee jumping!

·       Giving genuine compliments

·       Asking if they need anything when you go to the grocery store

·       Telling your friends and loved ones about the difference they make in your life

·       Going to a museum to see their favorite artist

·       Going to see their favorite band

·       Calling them just to let them know you are thinking of them

·       Playing their favorite board game

·       Etc., etc.!!

Happy February! Happy Making Love Happen Every Day!

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

Your Unique Snowflake Self

Hey! You’re a Snowflake!!

Apparently, it is really true that no two snowflakes are alike. It’s scientifically proven, even though we cannot retrieve all the snowflakes that ever fell or will ever fall and examine them under a microscope. In the PBS video, “The Science of Snowflakes,” Joe Hanson explains why this is so. I’m not even going to attempt to explain the science but check out the video if you are curious.

My new friend, Joe Hanson, says that the “unique snowflake/unique human” metaphor is one of the most overused of all time. That may be true, but I’m not ashamed to be cliché in the quest to remind you of your personal magnificence. 

One of my great joys as the principle matchmaker at Authentic Connections is conducting Discovery Interviews. I get to meet complete strangers and spend a couple of hours in their home talking about their past and current love life as well as their hopes and dreams for a future beautiful love connection. It is a humbling experience as people unfold before my eyes. At the end of the interview, I feel connected to, and inspired by, the wonderful human being I’ve gotten to know.

While I’m continually inspired by my clients, I don’t always know that they feel that same way about themselves. So today, I am shouting out to my clients and to all of the wonderful people I have met over the course of this month, year and lifetime that I SEE YOU! I see the beauty of you and the light in you. You are a unique gift to the world and there is no one else who can be a better you. 

While you are basking in the glow of your own unique greatness, take the time to notice the special bright light shining within those around you. That light isn’t always glaringly obvious. Sometimes it takes a while to reveal itself. Be patient with yourself and others as you look for the light.

In the dating world this means being willing to go on a first date even though the other person doesn’t meet all your selection criteria. It means taking the time to REALLY get to know another person. It means going on a second date even if you aren’t positive where this relationship is going. It means loving your self enough to believe that someone else might love you too. When you open your heart to let others in, you’ve got a chance to find the connection you’ve been longing for.

Wishing you a holiday season full of peace, joy, light and love!

Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

What The Garden Guys Can Teach Us About Love

Gardening has a lot in common with finding, growing and keeping love. Let’s look at some principles from the garden and see how they apply to loving relationships.

#1  Prepare Your Soil Before You Plant. 

Just like plants don’t grow in soil that is undernourished or too hard, love doesn’t grow in a hard and starved heart. Do what you can to nurture yourself so that you can be softer when you are with family and friends.  It will make a difference when you are out in the dating world.

#2  Protect Your Garden From Pests.

What are the pests that hamper your love life? Are friends and co-workers a source of scrutiny and negativity? Are family members interfering in your relationship? Every relationship has to find ways to put a protective, semi-permeable barrier around itself. If you are dating, you need to surround yourself with people who believe in love and inspire you while blocking out the noise of those who lead you to fear and self-doubt.

#3  Don’t Pull Up the Plants to See How the Roots Are Doing.

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, it is tempting to check in to see how things are going. Don’t do this too early. You put the other person “on the spot” when you say seemingly innocuous things like, “where do you see this relationship going?” after only two or three dates. Relax. Chill out. Take your time and get to know the other person before trying to define things.

#4 Plants Need Water, Sunlight and Nutrition to Survive.

And in just the right amounts. Don’t drown another person with gifts, texts, invitations and accolades. Keep it steady, but not overwhelming. Likewise, don’t be too stingy with the good stuff. Relationships thrive on the right amounts of attention and affection and everyone is different in what makes them feel loved and cared for. Pay attention to the fruits of your relationship to see if you have the right combination.

#5 For Plants to Grow, You’ve Got to Keep the Weeds Under Control.

Sometimes the “weeds” in relationships are close by and choking the life out of it. These weeds can be so entangled that it is almost impossible to discern the weed from the plant. Weeds like this show up as thinking about past hurts or feelings of unworthiness. Left un-recognized and unchecked, these thoughts can crush an otherwise promising relationship. Start noticing your thoughts and questioning their veracity. You may find some of these “weeds” become easy to remove when you take a good look at them. 

#6 Learn to Survive the Hurricanes and Marauders.

I happen to know the Garden Guys and I know that these beautiful rows of corn were enjoyed only by some pesky raccoons and skunks that had figured their way around #2. Later, the fall planting was undone by warm weather and two deluges. What are you going to do when something similar happens in your love life? Do you swear off ever loving again? Or do you lick your wounds, learn what you can and get back in the garden?

#7 When the Harvest Comes In, Relish It!!

It is a real miracle when a little seed grows into a beautiful plant and even more of a miracle when that plant gives us nourishing food to eat. Appreciate the fruits of your loving relationships. Never take them for granted. Smile. Treasure the gift.

Kate Freiman-Fox, Ph.D.

Lessons from the Highly Coachable

What We Can Learn From The Highly Coachable

By Traci Philips, The Innate Coach

I’m often asked what makes someone “coachable?”  Are there some people who seem to do more & go further with coaching than others? To this, my answer is, undeniably, YES!

I believe being coachable is as much about approach & attitude as it is anything else.  If you are someone who wants to improve any aspect of your life, you will want to be concerned with how coachable you are.

If it’s not someone, like me, who helps you along, you can always rely on life to coach you through the perfect opportunity to be challenged & tested.  The key is acknowledging and knowing what to do with the information that is being offered to you.  The more coachable you are, the more awareness you’ll build, the more you’ll learn about the importance of perspective and the better you’ll become for having had the experience.  Here, as we focus on “better,” being the operative word, it all boils down to attitude and individual perception.  If you want to experience more or a higher degree of anything in your life, it’s about establishing a positive relationship with change.  After all, if you would like something else, then change is exactly what you need!

So, let’s dig in and look at some of the principle traits of those who are highly coachable.

Curious            Although we might blame it for “killing the cat,” curiosity is all about leading with                              what you don’t know as opposed to what you do know.  Curious people allow themselves to be in the “unknown” in order to learn, grow & improve.  As children,  we all started out curious until we learned from others and life experience not to be.

                          We were made this way because positive growth relies, to a large extent, on  curiosity.

Open                 Just as a door that’s closed cannot be entered, when we are closed off to looking at “how we do life,” we cannot truly learn what we need to know to improve and  enter the next level of our lives.

Atypical         Let’s face it, people who are willing to lean into their discomfort in order to be,                             have & perform at their best are not the norm.  That’s why “the best of the best” constitutes a much smaller percentage of the population.  It takes a certain caliber of person to be willing to do whatever it takes to shift, refashion, augment and transform their situation and life.  Yet, anyone can become better if they choose to be this.

Cares About Growth             At the end of the day, a person who is coachable is someone who is more growth-oriented than they are comfort-driven. Our comfort zone may be, well, comfortable, but nothing ever grows or improves there.

High- Achiever           Anyone who wants to perform at their best knows that a big part of this is being able to examine “all of their parts.”  High-achievers always look at what they have  done to assess how they can do it better the next time, and this includes receiving and incorporating feedback from others, as well.  Even if you don’t consider yourself  a “high” achiever, working on being a “higher” achiever, can do a lot to create an  environment where more possibility and opportunities can enter.

Accountable            One of my favorite quotes is by Noel DeJesus.  “Continuously lying to yourself is just as fatal as suicide; only slower.  Take ownership of your life, be accountable to you.”  Coachable people embrace the opportunity to have  others help them to be self-accountable.

Believable                 No matter who you are, as a human, you have a “bull s#%&” meter.  On some level, we can all spot authenticity.  Coachable people strive to be genuine, transparent and, thus, believable.  They want to make a positive impact and they know to do this, they must show up fully as who they truly are.

Life Learner              As Brian Herbert wrote, “the capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice.”  Coachable people choose to  be life-long learners.

Enthusiastic             I mentioned before that attitude & approach are key elements of coachability.  Someone who is enthusiastic about learning & growing sees any opportunity to do this as an adventure.  With this attitude, it’s much  easier to view challenge as a necessary part of the development process.

In looking at some of the characteristics of coachable people, we can understand how these individuals can experience higher than average levels of success, fulfillment and positive life engagement.  They become models for all of us on the value of choosing growth and betterment over comfort and being right and safe.  Any one of us can be this kind of person.  It all depends on how much we want to experience what we desire in life.

Perhaps, Michael Jordan said it most succinctly, “my best skill was that I was coachable.  I was a sponge and aggressive to learn.”

About the Author: As a Leadership & Performance Strategist, Traci is a crackerjack at assisting her clients to clearly define their personality, passions and purpose to create a targeted and congruent strategy to assure success in any area of life. With unique strengths in translating both verbal and non-verbal language, Traci assists individuals and teams to apply effective tools and approaches to identify core issues and challenges that are blocking desired objectives and outcomes. Her clients learn and practice better communication & resolution strategies and are able to create and sustain more cohesive & cooperative situations and environments, while experiencing more fulfillment and pleasure in their lives. 

You can connect with Traci through her website www.theinnatecoach.com or on Facebook & LinkedIn.

Love Me? Love You!

Happy Valentine’s Day! As a matchmaker and human, I love this celebration of love. Wouldn’t it be even more wonderful if we expressed our loving sentiments EVERY day? For now, let’s break out those cards and flowers and personal expressions of love for one another in honor of February 14th.

This month’s focus is “Loving Oneself.” It is said that we can’t fully love others if we don’t love ourselves. As a person who struggles with loving myself, I’ve often found this phrase annoying or condemnatory, as if my own self-doubts somehow cast a shadow over my most significant relationships. Maybe I don’t really love my son because I’m not in love with everything I do as a parent? Maybe I’m a crappy wife because I don’t take fantastic care of myself? Perhaps the only alternative is to go to a cave and get myself straight before I subject others to my company!

Well, I’m not planning to go to a cave and I really don’t think that “working on oneself” in solitude is the answer AT ALL. We grow through our relationships with others. We learn through our interactions as well as by our own introspective process. So, don’t run from people so that you can work everything out to be ready to be in relationship. Know that relationships are imperfect and that the players are imperfect and that it is worth it anyway. Remember too, that relationships skills can always grow. Love is always fluid, always an action, never a static state. I don’t have to constantly experience love for myself in order to love you. I do need to treat myself in loving ways in order to treat you in a healthy loving way. I can’t eat horrible food, get no exercise and fill my head with negative self-talk and expect to show up for you in a positive, loving way.  

So, how do we love ourselves before we’ve reached enlightenment??

Try this exercise:

Imagine that you are the sole caretaker for a beautiful child. What would you do to nurture that child’s body, mind and spirit? Would you:

• Have the child smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol or consume my personal favorite vice, Diet Pepsi?

• Make the child stay awake even when exhausted?

• Binge-watch TV together?

• Hang around negative people who tell the child how horrible the world is or, worse yet, how unworthy he or she is?

Or would you:

• Feed your child super healthy foods.

• Get out in nature every day.

• Be with positive people who brighten the day.

• Take naps when tired.

• Run, Play, Ride Bikes, Dance.

• Go to a museum.

• Dress up.

• Make music, paint a picture, read a poem.

• Whisper words of encouragement and love to the child.

IMAGINE: You are the child. You are the caregiver. You can love yourself the way you would care for a precious child. This child doesn’t have to earn love and care. This child gets to learn love and care.

So, dear readers, my invitation to you this Valentine’s day is to treat yourself to a healthy life. As you love yourself this way, you will be better able to love others. It is true, if you want to love others, you need to be loving toward yourself! If you don’t already have a practice of being loving to yourself, start right now!! Want help? Call me!

Valentine Hugs.

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Want Results in 2018? Get a Coach!

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. It seems like we shouldn’t wait until the new year to make multiple changes in our lives. Still, there is nothing like another year rolling past to make us reflective, possibly leading to identifying things that need to be made better in the days to come.  In this month’s musing, I’d like to spend some time talking about the value of coaching in reaching your personal, professional and relationship goals whether or not you call them “New Year’s Resolutions.”

Even Michael Jordan had a coach, so why shouldn’t you?

In the matchmaking/date coaching business I’m mostly met with enthused curiosity when I talk to people about my services. Sometimes, however, the welcome is not so warm. Some people quickly walk away from me as if I had a highly contagious disease. I was bewildered by this response from adults at singles events who were presumably looking for a romantic relationship.  Why wouldn’t they want what I had to offer? So, rather than sit around wondering, I asked. The response I got was typically some variation of, “I can do this on my own” or “you want me to pay MONEY for THAT??” I get it. Matchmaking and date coaching are things that many of us are not familiar with. Still, most of us have had some experience with being on a team of some sort. Perhaps we’ve played a team sport, been part of a business team, participated in theatrical productions or played in a musical group. If so, we’ve all been coached to learn new things or to improve on our existing skills. Why should one’s dating life be any different? I know I never took a dating class nor got any coaching whatsoever to improve my dating skills other than perhaps 8th grade dance class or Seventeen magazine. Maybe it is time for that to change. Maybe it is time to treat our dating and relationship lives as conscientiously as we approach preparing for a job interview or a big test.

So what is the value of coaching?

1. We do not know what we do not know! A coach is an expert in their field. He or she likely knows something you do not know about whatever you are endeavoring to do. The coach also has a different set of eyes and different mental filters and can shine a mirror up to you so you can see yourself in a new light. Just like there is a vast store of things that you know about yourself that others do not know, there Is a great deal that others know about you that you do not know about yourself. It is a coach’s job to shine a light both on the aspects of yourself that work and those that don’t.

2. Feedback. I received a Fitbit for Christmas (Thanks, Bro!). It is a simple feedback form to let me know if I have walked my 10,000 steps each day. I can’t fake out the Fitbit. I do argue that it doesn’t always give me “credit,” 😊 but the numbers are there at the end of the day without judgment – just simple facts. In a similar way, you and your coach will set measurable goals and track your progress towards them. You may not be able to see your own progress and a coach can point out when you are getting closer to your goal or how you might make small adjustments to get even better results.

3. Motivation. Let’s face it, making big changes in our lives is not easy! A coach can spur you on when you are faltering. Way back in my college years I had a running buddy named Susan. Neither of us were “runners” but together we would run 10 miles on a pleasant Saturday or Sunday afternoon. What I remember most was that as my energy was failing and I wanted to quit, Susan would shout words of encouragement and I could keep running. Miles later when she was getting fatigued, I would do the same for her. A coach can be that person shouting, whispering or chanting words of encouragement, helping you to remember why you started on this path in the first place and keeping your eye on the goal when you’ve lost sight of it.

Shameless Advertising!

We at Authentic Connections see that value of coaching in helping our clients reach their relationship goals and we’ve created two coaching packages:

The “Keep Me Honest” package is the simplest and most affordable. Authentic Connections will serve as your weekly “accountability partner” with a 30 minute weekly check-in to help you stay true to the goals you set for yourself.

The “Relationship Ready” package provides weekly hour-long coaching to address anything that may be getting in the way of finding true love. This package includes practice dates to get the feedback that you’ve never gotten before on your real-time dating skills. You might also take an in vivo flirting class or be accompanied to your favorite singles spot by a trusty wing man or woman.

As always, there is a la carte coaching available to all Authentic Connections clients and these sporadic sessions can help you keep your head above water as you wade through the sometime turbulent waters of dating.

Parting Words:

If you are up to big things in life, there is nothing like a trusty partner to encourage you along the way. If the coaches at Authentic Connections aren’t a good fit for you, we have many associates who might be just perfect and we are happy to refer you to one.

With gratitude for who you have been in the life of Authentic Connections and with hope and great expectations for 2018, I wish you a very happy new year!

Hugs!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

How to Handle the Holidays as Single, Thoughtful, Caring, Adult Human Beings

In researching the topic of being single during the holidays, I saw a recurring refrain of complaint. Singles are, almost without exception, tired of being asked, “Are you still single?” The advice given in many articles and blogs is to dodge the question or avoid the person who inevitably asks it at family gatherings.

I’d like to offer here some loving alternatives to avoiding Aunt Tillie and Uncle Bruce and their intrusive questions. And I want to offer us all some ways to express love and concern for our relatives – be they single or not.

So how can we communicate with each other to build connection instead of discomfort and alienation?

1. Give the Benefit of the Doubt. Assume your friends and family have a sincere interest in your life, even if they have an insensitive, if not downright rude, way of asking about it. If that is the case, maybe what they really want to know is how you are. Go with that. What if, instead of trying to escape your relatives’ insensitive attempts to learn about your life, you just tell them about it all – work, play, love life, vacation plans or a great book you are reading. You get the idea. Ask them about their lives too. They will be grateful and surprised that you took the time to really listen to them instead of making a bee-line to the appetizers.

2. Share Your Action Plan. You can also answer with the popular, “I’m just waiting on the right one.” The only trouble with this response is that it suggests a level of passivity that may not be true. If you think it is any of their business, you can let interested relatives know that you are actively seeking a great partner. You are working on your self to be a great catch and you are getting help from a date coach and matchmaker who is also on the lookout for a great partner for you. Maybe your relatives have some good ideas or connections to help you along. The possibilities are endless!!

3. Ask Open Ended Questions. This is Communications 101! Don’t ask a question that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.” Instead of, “Are you still single?”, maybe what you really meant to say was, “Hey Jack, I haven’t seen you since last year and I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. If you have a moment, I love to catch up with you. What’s happening?”

4. Resist the Urge! As a single, thoughtful, caring, adult human being, please resist any urges you may have to counter the, “Are you still single?” with similar insensitive questions like, “Have you thought about cosmetic surgery?” or “When are you and Aunt Agnes going to stop having that same argument?”

5. Embrace Your Single Status! When asked the tired old question, answer with joyful enthusiasm, “Heck Yeah!!”

I was once accused of Aunt Tillie-ism and had a great lesson in life. Seventeen years ago I got married and there were some changes in my friendships. I kept up a pretty good phone relationship with my best friend in DC. In my single days, I had time to run 5 hours up the road for a weekend visit but, with my new married life and then the birth of my son, casual weekend visits were almost impossible. In our phone conversations I would often ask my BFF about her dating life as it had been a big topic of conversation when we were both single. I still remember one call when she got really quiet and serious. With great kindness and inter-personal generosity, she let me know that she experienced my interest in her dating life as an affront to her single status; as if being single was somehow a “problem” that needed a “solution.” At the time of this conversation, I felt ashamed. Was she right? Did I think of her single status as a “problem?” Was there a part of me that enjoyed hearing about all the new and interesting people she was meeting because my own life had so quickly gone domestic? Was she being over-sensitive? Maybe it was all of the above. Since then, I don’t bring up the topic of dating and she and I have found scads of other things to talk about. If she wants to talk about her dating life, she can initiate that conversation. Our friendship withstood the test of time and our differences in marital status. I’m so thankful to my friend for speaking from her heart and setting me straight so our friendship could last all these 34 years!

So, dear friends, my invitation to you this holiday season is to remember that we are all connected by an “invisible thread.” With acknowledgement to The Rev. Dr. Nancy Petty, this thread is our understanding of how inextricably intertwined our lives are. When we understand this, we would always seek to create love, joy, comfort and understanding for and with each other. So buckle up and start relating on a deep level with those you love and those you may one day come to love!

Happy Holidays!!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Don't Kill Thanksgiving With Comparison!

In this season we all want to joyfully connect to our loved ones and to be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. Still, it seems that our age-old nemesis, comparing, can get in the way of loving each other fully and of being truly aware of all that is great in our lives.

Comparing is one of the “Five Metastasizing Emotional Cancers,” according to Stephen Covey in The Eighth Habit. (The other four are criticizing, complaining, competing and contending – but that discussion is for another day!) From a very early age, we are fed on the comparison dynamic. I remember a jingle from my childhood: “My dog’s better than your dog. My dog’s better than yours. My dog’s better ‘cause he gets Ken-L-Ration. My dog’s better than yours.”  More recent versions of blatant comparison include the “Who Wore It Best?” comparisons in magazines. Lately, when a public figure is caught doing something immoral or illegal, she/he compares their actions to worse sins by some other public figure. It’s a poor defense as observers think the individual is not only immoral or guilty, but also immature and dishonest.

In everyday life we compare ourselves to others constantly. The problem is not the comparison itself, it is the judgment we make about those differences. For example, it is one thing to notice that I have grey hair and yours is brown. It is another to say, mine is grey and therefore I am somehow less worthy or, conversely, I must be wiser because of all the grey hairs I’ve earned. As for me, I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, so every person I meet is sized up as bigger or smaller than I am. It is an automatic reaction and there remains the small voice gauging my value based on an ideal that never applied to my big Latvian bones and healthy appetite. If we are honest, each one of us feels “less than” about some aspect of ourselves, even if the judge-y voice is quieter than it once was. Some of us got the idea somewhere along the way that we weren’t beautiful or smart or sexy or worthy or wealthy or that our family was too weird or that we were too weird and so on and so forth.

This comparison mode is crippling in relationships. Terrence Real describes the phenomenon in his book, The New Rules of Marriage. Whether you are married or not, the book offers great insights into all relationships. When it comes to comparing, Real talks about a continuum where one end is seeing one’s self as better than others (“Grandiosity”) and the other end is seeing one’s self as inferior to others (“Shame”). It is only in the middle of this continuum where we see each other as equals that we can experience healthy relationships. This midpoint is characterized by meeting each other eye-to-eye where I experience myself as neither better than you nor less than you. Clearly, we all have different skill levels and some of us are better at certain activities than others. The point is that we are not attaching a judgment or value to those differences. The question of who is “better” is off the table because it simply has no value if we are intent on having healthy relationships. In contrast, if we are busy proving our point, putting someone down, or confirming our secret judgments of others at the Thanksgiving gathering, those relationships will stay stuck in the muck.

Comparing is rampant in dating. If we are walking around in a state of “Shame” or “Grandiosity”, we can’t hope to have a great date. Some folks get so nervous before and during a date that the predominant feeling at the end of the date is R-E-L-I-E-F that it is over! Other folks are so sure that no one else can measure up to their high standards that they diminish the person sitting in front of them and never dig in to learn about them. They become completely right in their belief that no one else is good enough for them and, you guessed it, they often stay single and alone. They might also find someone to partner up with who feels "less-than" and have a relationship where neither partner grows or feels that they truly belong.

Another big love-kill is comparing a new person to the "Ex."  Perhaps the prospective partner has the same hair color as the "Ex."  Perhaps they drive the same car as the "Ex." Perhaps they have the same profession. The assumption is that if these external factors are similar, the person is similar. Folks sometimes even refuse a first date because of these false comparisons to an "Ex."  

HELP!!  What can we do about all this comparing? Some suggestions:

• If you find yourself constantly one-upping or putting yourself down, get some help! These are patterns that are often unconscious and not easily broken. It may require the help of a professional. Don't expect your significant other to be your therapist.

• Work on loving yourself! Develop a healthy appreciation of all that is great about you.

• Be the best YOU. There is only one. No one can be a better you. Work on the parts that can improve and, if you must measure against a standard, let it be your own standard. My son started swimming with his high school team last year. He was beaten in a race by more than a few competitors. Still, he got out of the pool beaming because he swam much faster than ever before. Be that guy or gal! Loving life, doing your best and having that be good enough.

• Around the holidays we are often in “trying interpersonal situations.” 😊 If you can't eliminate contact with those who put you down, set clear and appropriate boundaries with them. Surround yourself with others who think you are fabulous.

At this reflective time of the year, I think of the joy of having met all of you these past few years as we’ve watched Authentic Connections grow. I also think of the joy that my friends and family bring to me every day. I am so grateful for all of you!

Have a wonderful, connected, compassionate Thanksgiving!      

Much love,

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

The Paradox of Choice

This month I want to thank Dr. Sara Rosenquist for directing me to a great Ted Talk, “The Paradox of Choice” by Barry Schwartz. While we humans generally love to have many choices, the paradox is that such a vast array of choices can lead to unhappiness with whatever we ultimately choose. Schwartz says, “Choice has made us not freer, but more paralyzed. Not happier, but more dissatisfied.”

I know for myself, there are SO many choices of things to do! It is mind boggling! I’m often lamenting that I missed out on this music festival or that craft fair or that I haven’t hiked that trail yet or seen the new movie or the holidays are coming and I haven’t started making homemade gifts, or there is a 5K next weekend, or I haven’t talked to my college roommate in months, or what about learning French, and you know I never took a Physics class, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. It can be overwhelming and I used to regret all the things I did not get to do because I was occupied with something else. I’ve gotten better at letting go of those missed opportunities. For example, it occurred to me that I will NEVER win a Heisman trophy or a Nobel Prize or go to Antarctica. I’m now at peace with this realization! BTW, my husband, knowing me as he does, asked if I knew what a Heisman trophy was 😊!!!     

The problem is “opportunity cost” which is the benefit that a person could have received, but gave up, to take another course of action. So, when I choose butter pecan ice cream, I’m not choosing chocolate or strawberry.  When I choose one pair of pants, there is a vast array of others I did not choose and which might have, at least In my mind, produced even greater happiness.

The reader is saying, “So What? Who cares if you choose butter pecan or boot cut jeans?” And, sure enough, most of us don’t lament these little everyday choices.  But what about choosing a career or a mate? Those choices have long-range repercussions, don’t they? Maybe yes, and maybe no.

Another body of research was presented by Dan Gilbert in which he asked the question, “a year after the fact, who is happier, the individual who won the lottery or the person who lost the use of his or her legs?” Of course, we all predict that the lottery winner would be much happier. In fact, on average, the lottery winners and paraplegics are equally happy a year later.  Gilbert says we “synthesize” our happiness. Happiness has very little to do with our outward circumstances. I’ve heard this for many years and still find it fascinating!

How does all this research relate to dating and relationships?

• We make our own happiness. Period. We make our own unhappiness too. Trust me, I know.

• We can be happy in multiple different circumstances. There is no Mr. or Ms. Perfect for whom you need to waste your life searching. Your partner doesn’t have to check all your boxes for you to be content with your relationship.

• We need to be “present” in life. Yes, life is full of choices, and we can’t have EVERY experience or date EVERY person on the planet. Nonetheless, we can make choices and participate fully in life. We can stop ruminating about the “road not taken.” Only then can we really learn about ourselves and about others and grow.

For folks who want a “deep dive” into being fully present, I encourage you to read Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It is very thought provoking. I can’t do it justice in writing about it here except to say that it has been profoundly helpful to me in my own life as I strive to be aware, alive and compassionate.  

Until next month!!

Peace, Love and Joy.

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Are You Having a Total Eclipse of the Heart?

I know I promised to write about “The Paradox of Choice” this month, but I couldn’t

resist the timeliness of the recent total solar eclipse and a lesson that may relate to my

life and yours.

My eclipse experience started on Sunday, August 20th when I rose early to catch a ride

with family to Hendersonville, NC. We scoped out potential viewing sites and chose

Gorges State Park, which is located in the “Zone of Totality.” We were instructed to

arrive around 5am the next day so that we would be assured of a place to park. So, the

day of the eclipse started at 2:45am with arrival at Gorges at 4:45am. We did our best to

pick a good spot in the dark and then hunkered down to start the big wait for the big

Event.

Gorges State Park did an absolutely AWESOME job managing the steady flow of

people. The cars arrived for a solid five hours before reaching maximum capacity. It was

amazing how the rangers answered everyone’s questions with freshness and joy as if

they hadn’t heard that very same question a thousand times already that day.

The crowd was also in a joyful mood. People chose Gorges State Park to view the

eclipse having researched extensively and travelling from all over the eastern states.

There were huge telescopes with fancy filters and cameras on tripods placed

everywhere the eye could see. There was music and laughter and sharing.

Around 1pm the eclipse began. Everyone in sight donned their special eclipse viewing

glasses or gazed through their specially equipped cameras and binoculars or brought

out their crafty viewing boxes. We got to see the classic crescent shape of the sun as

the moon passed in front of it.

And then….. and then……and then…... ? A huge rain cloud passed in front of the

sun/moon! It totally obscured what everyone there had come many miles and many

hours to see. To add insult to injury, the cloud dumped a hefty dose of rain on us – the

patient questors of celestial grandeur. What the %^&*%!!

At the time of “totality” there was no hope of that cloud moving out of the way. There

would be no witnessing the sun’s corona, the coronal streamers, the coronal loops and

prominence. (I got these out of National Geographic, so don’t quiz me!) We got plenty

of soggy “umbra,” but no brilliance.

Then a strange thing happened. At 2:36, the predicted time of complete eclipse, the

crowd began to cheer loudly. It echoed through the trees. It was the sound of complete

joy. It was the Who-s down in Whoville singing even after the Grinch attempted to steal

Christmas. It was people turning disappointment on its head and rejoicing at the wonder

of these forces of nature -whether we could see them or not.

I wonder about myself and about you, too. Am I living my life rejoicing even when a

cloud gets in the way of my well-laid plans? Or am I kicking myself for spending time

and money on something so chancy? Are we enjoying the heck out of this journey of

life? Or are we constantly moaning and groaning, complaining that life hasn’t turned out

how we’d like? Do we go to singles gatherings, Meet-ups and networking events happy

about the people we are with or are we being judgmental and critical saying that there is

“no one interesting here.”

Maybe we do a little bit of both. Rejoicing and complaining. Trusting and shrinking in

fear. Loving and disconnecting. What is so incredible is that we can 100% choose how

we respond. It may not be our natural “go to” to trust, to open our hearts, to be the one

reaching out to another person, but we can try and stumble and learn and grow and try

some more. Every one of us can.

Let this be the day/month/year where your heart doesn’t eclipse like the 1983 lyrics of

the Bonnie Tyler song. Instead let your heart celebrate life’s moments, much like the

whooping and hollering of pure joy when something magnificent is happening. That

magnificent happening is you!

Fondly!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox

Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets

In midnights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles

In laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure a year in the life

How about love?

How about love?

How about love?

Measure in love

Seasons of love

Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Journeys to plan

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure the life

Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned

Or in times that he cried

In bridges he burned

Or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out

Tho' the story never ends

Let's celebrate

Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love

Remember the love

Remember the love

Measure in love

Measure, measure your life in love

Seasons of love

Seasons of love

Written by Jonathan D. Larson • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group

I thank Mark C. for reminding me of the words to this great song from the musical, Rent. So, how do these "seasons" play out in our lives? Am I stressed and rushing and too in my own head to be kind, to offer a smile, to take the time to understand another? Or am I savoring the full moon, the green of early summer, the beauty of old friends and the joy of making new friends. It is easy to feel disconnected but - dare I say - equally easy to connect. Reach out!  Everybody wants to be seen and appreciated by another. Authentic Connections is all about Love - in all its forms. So, whether you are blissfully wrapped up in an idyllic romantic relationship or you are helping your neighbor fix a bike, that is love. Savor it! Share it!

With a tight hug!

-Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox