I recently heard from a client who voiced a common concern for many singles:
Dear Dr. Kate,
I am noticing that ALL of my dates just ramble on, talking and talking. No questions about me. The one common denominator is me. What can I do differently? I have tried different approaches and end up with the same frustrating result. Please help!
Nan
Dear Nan,
This is a really common problem and, while you likely haven’t caused your dates’ talkativeness, there are certainly some things you can do to minimize your own distress, to turn things around and to maybe even have an enjoyable time.
It is important to understand that overtalkativeness can be a symptom of many different problems and the response to each should be based on what the underlying cause is.
Problem One: Anxiety.
Anxiety can cause people to be overly talkative. Perhaps you’ve even been guilty of running off at the mouth when you are feeling particularly nervous. If you think your date is suffering from first date jitters, do your best to calm things down. While it is easy to let another person’s anxieties make you feel more anxious, resist. There’s no need for both of you to whirl off into a state of shared agitation. Instead, do your own little calming rituals; maybe breathing a little more deeply, smiling kindly and listening for places to join the conversation. Slow your own rate of talking and keep breathing calmly. Keep the conversational topics light to avoid touchy subjects which could add to another’s fears. A first date isn’t a time to get into heavy stuff anyway, so you’ll be right on course.
Problem Two: Narcissism.
Some people are truly enamored of their own story. Sometimes called narcissists, they don’t really care to know much about you. This is the type of personality is summed up in this exchange: “So enough about me, what do you think about me?” What the narcissist doesn’t understand is that we aren’t thinking such great things when we’ve been overwhelmed by their incessant self-aggrandizing soliloquies and when we haven’t been asked a single question. It is tough to handle these personalities. They will become disappointed or even angry if you point out this shortcoming. You can try to interject, but a true narcissist won’t really take in what you are saying about yourself. If you want to hear the sound of your own voice during the date, you can certainly interrupt to ask questions that are aimed at getting the narcissist to talk more about him or herself. Just don’t count on them asking you any questions about you.
Problem Three: Poor Social Skills.
I hate to be another baby boomer lamenting the mushrooming of electronic devices and impersonal forms of communication. Still, I do think we’ve become used to interacting with others through texts, emails, Facebook and Instagram. Meeting face-to-face and eye-to-eye has become less frequent. I know of many people who will rattle off lengthy texts back and forth, but who do not have the energy for or interest in an actual phone conversation. Many clients have told me they do not meet others in “real” life anymore. They only meet others online and then later in person. All these factors are cause or symptom of our collective decrease in social skills. If you are out on a date with someone who simply doesn’t understand the natural flow of conversation, all you can do is try to model how conversation works; the give and take, back and forth of enjoyable exchange.
Problem Four: The Need to Impress.
Sometimes people will talk too much on a first date because they are trying to impress. I had one very nice male client who was getting feedback from multiple women that he was talking too much. A born salesman, he explained that he felt he had done a good job on the date because he kept the “conversation” going. He had been trying to make a good impression by mentioning some of his achievements. He’s now happily married to someone who enjoys his enthusiasm in social situations and he doesn’t need to boast any longer. If you find yourself on a date with someone who is trying to impress you with all their accomplishments, allow yourself to be impressed. Know that they are doing this to win your favor – and isn’t it nice that they care to do so. Unfortunately, when someone is extolling his or her own virtues, we tend to shut down and look mildly annoyed and this only makes the individual redouble their efforts. Again, be excited for them and then make sure to jump in and share some of your own joys and interests.
Problem Five: S/he’s Just Not That Into You.
Oftentimes when people meet for the first time in person, they may not find as great an interest in one another as was expected when they met online or when their friends set them up on a blind date. If a person is talking too much and not asking any questions, it could be a sign that they really aren’t interested in getting to know their date at all. They are just biding their time until the coffee, lunch or dinner are over. If this is the case, I just want to stand up on my matchmaker soapbox and shout, “Shame on you!” If your date is able to discern that you have absolutely no interest in them, you have done a poor job. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. You are not obliged to go on another date with anyone, but each one of us has a responsibility to be kind to our fellow humans. If you think your date may fall into this category, you could simply ask if they would like to learn a little about you. (e.g., “I see we are almost done with dessert and I’m wondering if you’d like me to share a little bit about myself before the evening is over.”) If they give anything other than a whole-hearted “Yes, of course!,” you have your answer.
The Bottom Line.
No matter how much of a chatterbox your date may be, remember you are not a helpless victim of another person’s lack of conversational skill. You can jump into the conversation at any time with friendly banter. You disempower yourself when you get annoyed by another’s long story. Just see what you can get out of the conversation. One client realized a man she was on a date with was just not that interested in her. Instead of getting down in the dumps, she asked him lots of questions about business. She was interested in the topic and he knew a lot about it, so she created her own “Win” for the evening.
Unless a person has offended you on a date, I always recommend you give someone a second chance. The anxious individual or someone who is trying to impress on a first date might be a lot calmer on a second date. You aren’t likely to be able to discern what is really going on behind all those words until you’ve given them a second look.
Happy Dating!
Dr. Kate Freiman-Fox